You'll All Be Sorry

Mon, November 29th, 1999 at 12:00am PST

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor

Universal Brothers

UNIVERSAL BROTHERS STUDIOS
Special Projects Office

Mike Carlin
Mike Carlin
A clearly jet-lagged MIKE CARLIN enters the

sumptuously-appointed office, and is met with great

enthusiasm by Project Developers THAD and BECKA.

THAD: (Firmly clasping Mike's hand…) MIKE!

Oh, it's SUPER to meet you…hey, that's funny!

"Super!", get it?

BECKA: Oh, Thad, you're PRICELESS! That's PRICELESS!

THAD: Thanks, Becks! Listen, Mike…We're all BIG fans

of comics here at Universal Brothers, what with the

Ninja Turtles and Star Kid and Super Mario and all.

Really, it's a thrill for us. FYI, I'm Thad, and this

is Becka, and we're here in Special Projects to just

sort of "pick your brain."

BECKA: That's right, Mike! We want to peel

back that scalp and get at that juicy knowledge in

that brain of yours!

MIKE: Well, we're always anxious to work with you

movie people…

THAD: Oh, sure…'cause when you get right down to it,

aren't we ALL just storytellers? Isn't that WHAT WE

DO?

BECKA: (Nodding sagely…) It sure is, Thad.

You're REALLY onto something there…

MIKE: Um. I guess so…

BECKA: Mike, can we be honest here? Can we, you know,

(makes interlocked fingers gesture…) connect?

Thad and I know that some film adaptations have been

real underperformers. I'm thinking of, say, STEEL.

What did that gross, Thad?

THAD: (Shaking head…looking unconvincingly

saddened…) Buppity million, Becka. A real

disappointment. I thought that was the Shaq's

breakthrough showpiece.

MIKE: Well, it wasn't a very good movie…

BECKA: (Pointing a finger at Mike…) EXACTLY,

Mike! You see where I'm going with this, right? Of

course you do. That's why we've come to YOU,

DIRECTLY, as President of Superman Comics…

MIKE: I'm Executive Editor of DC Comics, Becka.

BECKA: …Right, Editor of …well, whatever. The key

here is SYNERGY. Am I right, Thad?

THAD: Couldn't be righter, Becks! See, Mike, we want

to get YOUR input…what comics do YOU think would make

good movies? I mean real blockbusters. The kinds of

films that put asses in the seat, you know? Thoughts,

Mike?

BECKA: Don't hold back, Mike. We're all friends, here!

We're just riffing!

MIKE: Okay, well, one concept that we've been shopping

around that might be fun is The METAL MEN.

BECKA: Ooooh! Sort of a Stallone/Van Damme type

vehicle?

THAD: I can see the poster! It's Bruce Willis, and his

shirt is ripped, and he's PISSED OFF!

BECKA: He should wear a hat on the poster. That bald

head of his is SO unattractive…

MIKE: No no no. The Metal Men are ROBOTS. They're a

team.

THAD: (Clapping hands…) Ah! Like POKEMON!

MIKE: (Stunned…) Huh? Well, I guess, but, see

there're six of them, and

they're robots, and each one represents a metal, see?

There's Gold, Platinum, Iron, Lead…

BECKA: Ah! Who do you see playing Gold, Thad?

THAD: Becka, I have two words: MATTHEW PERRY.

MIKE: (Interrupting…) I was thinking maybe an

animated film. See, the beauty of the series is

the way these robots work together, like a family.

BECKA: A family? Like on Family Ties? Is Tina

Yothers available? And Isn't it awful that Mike Fox got that horrible leprosy or

whatever it was? He still looks great,

though.

THAD: Oh, Mike Fox looks TERRIF! What a trooper. Say, you know who says "family" to me?

BECKA: Who, Todd?

THAD: Jennifer Lopez. To me, she's just very

maternal. I don't know why.

She'd be great as Silver. Hell, she IS Silver! I

honestly can't imagine anyone else playing Silver at

this point.

MIKE: (Losing patience...) There's no "Silver"

in the Metal Men,

Thad. There's just Platinum.

THAD: Hmmm. (Frowning…) I don't know, Mike.

Silver is MUCH sexier. Let's not change course in the middle of the race,

here. Let's stick to Silver, and maybe put a Platinum in the sequel, or the

cartoon tie-in. It might be a sticking point about makeup for Jennifer, though. Does Silver HAVE to be a

robot, Mike? Maybe she could be a jewel thief? A sexy jewel thief single parent with an adorable but

smart-talking kid?

BECKA: You know who ELSE might be good for Silver? Rosanne! Do a whole smart-ass vibe! And what about making two of

the robots gay? They ADORE gay robots upstairs.

THAD: Woah, Becka! You're WAY ahead of yourself,

there, Tiger! We haven't even talked SOUNDTRACK yet!

Now, I'm thinking it'd be GREAT to get a Metal

Soundtrack, for the Metal Men! What do you think, too

obscure? I wonder if KISS

would regroup for this?

MIKE: KISS has ALREADY regrouped.

THAD: NOW you're cooking, Mike! EXCELLENT idea.

BECKA: OUTSTANDING! I smell TENTPOLE, fellas!

MIKE: Look, why don't we forget about the Metal Men

for now…how about Jonah Hex? It's the lonely story of

a former Confederate soldier, who loses everything,

and vultures tear off his face off. It's a serious

piece about loss and redemp…

BECKA: (Eyes alight…)Thad, are you thinking

what I'm thinking?

THAD: I bet I am!

BECKA And THAD: SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR!!!

MIKE: WHAT?!?! Listen, JONAH HEX is a MAN! I mean, I

expect SOME liberties will get taken, but…

BECKA: LIBERTIES. What a sweet word. Mike, I think

you've really got something here. Sarah Michelle is

hot hot hot AND she's PERFECT for Johnny Hex! She's

BUFFY! She's PROVEN she can kick vampire ass!

THAD: Oh, man…Johnny Hex Happy Meal toys…this is

GOLDEN, baby! A girl vampire-hunting cowboy! I have

GOT to start reading comics! These ideas are

DYNAMITE! Listen, Mike, about these vultures…how

about if, instead of vultures, what about if they're

hookers? And instead of tearing Johnny Hex's face off,

how about if they build her a fifty-foot tall giant

spider robot, so she can keep fighting those Indian

Vampires? I'm just talking here you know, just

shooting ideas back, trying to get into your world…

BECKA: NATIVE AMERICAN vampires, Thad….

THAD: I stand corrected!

MIKE: Oh, for the love of…

THAD: You know who would be GREAT in the video?

KORN!

BECKA: Oh, my Tai Chi instructor LOVES KORN! Oh man,

is Frank Sinatra still alive? I bet a duet with Frank

and Korn would KILL. It would simply SLAY.

MIKE: (Peeved…)Well, since you're not going to

listen to what I say, why not just go ahead and do

Superman?

BECKA: Oh, we LOVE Superman here. Maybe you've heard

of the FABULOUS work we did here with him before Tim

Burton and Kevin Smith got involved? Superman would

be…what's the word I'm looking for here, Thad?

THAD: "Inspiring."

BECKA: No, more like Independence Day, and yet not,

you know?

THAD: "UPLIFTING!"

BECKA: EXACTLY! Like Con Air, yet different! Too bad

about Nicholas Cage no longer being attached to the

project. Hey, Mike! BRAINSTORM! Now, listen, this

just now hit me I haven't done any background on it,

but get ready for THIS image. Superman? WILL SMITH.

THAD: My mind is blown. You just blew my mind right

then, Becka. You GO, girl!

BECKA: Superman, yet hip and street! Do you LOVE it?

Tell me, Mike, do you just love it?

THAD: Stick in a couple of gay robots and you're IN!

You're GOOD at this, Mike!

BECKA: HEY! I just had an idea…how about ROBERTO

BEGNINI as Superman? Bring in that whole crazy EUROPEAN thing?

MIKE: Now, wait a minute…

THAD: Hey! How about if we had Lois and Jimmy

filming the whole movie on the spot? Do a whole BLAIR

WITCH thing?

BECKA: We could have the gay robots filming the whole

thing! Maybe bring in Johnny Hex to kick some cowboy

vampire ass!

THAD: Pokemon is hot, too…isn't there something we

could do to make Superman a small creature that fits

in your pocket?

MIKE: STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!!

THAD: …?

MIKE: Goddammit, now you two listen here. I don't know

what planet you came from, or how you got these jobs,

but you are NOT going to **** up Superman like you've

screwed up nearly every other comic book adaptation.

If you people are so much smarter than we are, how do

you explain BATMAN AND ROBIN? Or SUPERMAN IV? Or

HOWARD THE DUCK? Or CAPTAIN AMERICA?

BECKA: Mike…we're just trying to make a few changes,

to make your concepts more accessible to a wider

audience…

MIKE: RIGHT! And when you DO that, eventually, not

even COMIC fans show up! If there's one thing comics

CAN do, it's create a sense of wonder, and you guys

have NO ****ing CLUE how to reproduce that! Some of

these characters have been around for SIXTY YEARS.

People will still know who Superman is when you two go

back to your home planet! These characters have

MEANING. They're ALREADY well-realized. They don't

need YOU TWO to decide that REGIS PHILBIN should do a

CAMEO!

THAD: Hey! REGIS PHILBIN!

BECKA: Is he available?

THAD: What if, at the end of the movie, Regis realizes

that he's ALREADY DEAD? He's been DEAD ALL ALONG?!?!

MIKE: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP, you stupid

latte-drinking bastards! Why can't you, for once,

just keep your grubby paws out of it, and afford these

characters the same measure of respect you give to a

bad John Grisham novel?!? That's it…there's no point

talking to you. I'm leaving. Call us when you want

to make a GOOD comic book movie.

Mike exits, slamming the door behind him…

BECKA: Well!

THAD: My my…little hissy fit, huh?

BECKA: Yeah. Wow. I didn't realize those comic book

people were so scared of new ideas.

THAD: How do you suppose he figured out that we're

from another planet?

BECKA: I don't know. Weird. Listen, hand me another

one of those frozen human embryos, would you mind?

You'll All Be Sorry Home | You'll All Be Sorry Archives

 
You'll All Be Sorry

Send This Article to a Friend

Separate multiple email address with commas.

You must state your name.

You must enter your email address.