You'll All Be Sorry: 8-Page Back Up

Mon, October 18th, 1999 at 12:00am PST

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor

DC DIRECT CURRENTS DECEMBER 1999

CD: Direct CurrentsACTION COMICS #762

Written by Joe Kelly, Art by German Garcia

It's ALL BETS ARE OFF time with the Man of Steel as

this hot new creative team focuses on, what else?

ACTION. BIFF! POW! Even when Superman is just SITTING

in a CHAIR, it's LOADED with ZAP BANG ACTION! Look

out! Duck, Superman! That guy's gonna CLOBBER you!

But, WAIT! You were just PRETENDING to be hurt! Now

you're POUNDING him in the HEAD! You're the MAN, SUPERMAN!

Plus, Jimmy is killed by locusts.

AUTHORITY #10

Written by Warren Ellis, Art by Bryan Hitch and Paul

Neary

Tension mounts within the team as newest teammate, The

Lord Thy God, questions Jenny's leadership. Jenny

makes some jokes, and Paris is destroyed. You heard me

right. Destroyed. AGAIN. Hey, I don't make this stuff

up, you know? This is my JOB. Anyway, greatest threat

the world has ever known blah blah blah strange

invaders from another dimension blah blah blah girl

with no clothes on blah blah blah you get the idea.

Superheroes like you've never seen them before,

assuming you've never read a comic, of course. Sorry.

I've been drinking. But I'm a PROFESSIONAL, dammit!

BATMAN: GOTHAM ADVENTURES
Written by Various, Drawn by Various

DC is proud to announce yet ANOTHER Eisner for the

former creative team of this book. Boy, were they

great. They managed to produce a book that put the

regular batbooks to shame, WITHOUT gimmicks or

"events". They were critical darlings, all right.

What a great team this book had. Wow. They were sure

great. Man. This issue has the Penguin.

BIRDS OR PREY #14
Written by Chuck Dixon, Art by Greg Land

More TRU-WOMEN adventures as the Birds of Prey do all

those real-girl things like eat ice cream, talk about

men's butts, fuss with their hair and go shopping.

Plus, Canary faces her deadly new villain, "BUTTSHOT"

or maybe that's just the story title, or possibly the

plot synopsis.

CATWOMAN #77
Written by John Ostrander, Art by Jim Balent

Selina follows the brave lead of Pamela Anderson and

has breast reduction surgery. Yep, we figger this is

pretty much the last issue.

CRIMSON #15
Written by Brian Augustyn, Art by Humberto Ramos

Vampires. Breasts. Breasts. Vampires. Breastpires.

Vampbreasts. Breasts breasts breasts Vampires

Vampires Vampires. Finally, comics that are ABOUT

something.

DANGER GIRL #6
Written by Andy Hartnell and J. Scott Campbell, Art by

J. Scott Campbell

We just put this here as a joke.

DETECTIVE COMICS #741
Written by Chuck Dixon, Art by Sergio Cariello

In what's certain to be the comic event of the decade,

Earth is destroyed, leaving only Gotham City and it's

protector, Batman. Batman surrounds everyone with

barbed wire and institutes a policy where everyone

must eat better and work out more. How does the

destruction of Earth affect the rest of the denizens

of the DCU? We'll tell you when we get around to it.

Quit your whining or I'll give you something to cry

ABOUT.

FLASH #157
Written by Mark Waid and Brian Augustyn, Art by Paul Pelletier

The mystery of who Dark Flash is under the mask

continues! The mystery of who kidnapped Linda

continues! The mystery of the mysterious mystery man

continues! And in the slam-bang climax of this issue,

another 45 Flashes are revealed, and get this, they're

ALL EVIL TWINS!! Man, that's FLASH-TASTIC!

GREEN LANTERN #121
Written by Ron Marz, Art by Darryl Banks

Every female in the DCU, including Ma Hunkle and

Element Girl, has fallen for (and gotten into a

catfight over--meeeeoooww! Hss hss!!) Kyle Rayner, and

now, in the next inevitable step in his character arc,

"HERE COME THE LESBIANS!" as Kyle, our hapless hunky

hero harnesses his hormones for homosexuality! And did

I mention that THESE lesbians are wearing SWIMSUITS? I

didn't THINK so! This is the kind of titillation that

used to be relegated to bad films on CINEMAX, but now

it's IN GREEN LANTERN and IN YOUR FACE, fanboy!

HITMAN #46
Written by Garth Ennis, Art by John McCrea

Hijinx ensue as Hitman Tommy Monaghan is shot, beaten,

tortured, kicked in the crotch, castrated by a

Howitzer, kicked in the gaping hole where his crotch

USED to be, thrown out of a building and swallowed by

a 50 ft mutant pair of stripper Siamese Twins (both of

whom are named Bambi), all on the same night as his

long-promised date with Teigel! Set a course for

HILARITY as not one, but TWO of Tommy's best friends

are killed with his name on their lips as their blood

spills out onto the snowy streets of Gotham City in a

very special holiday issue of Hitman!

HOURMAN #11
Written by Tom Peyer, Art by Rags Morales

Read the book that has comics giant John Byrne raving,

"I'VE SEEN WORSE!" In this pivotal issue, Hourman,

who is a robot or something, talks with his friend

Snapper, who is some sort of beatnik, I guess, and

Snapper's Ex-Wife Bethany, who I assume is supposed to

be sort of hippie-like, and they talk some more, and

they drink some coffee, and there's some talk about

how Hourman wants to be more human, or less human, I

really don't remember, and suddenly Amazo attacks, and

I remember there's a cat in it. Yes, I definitely

remember a cat. They should put more of that cat in

there. The cat's HILARIOUS.

IMPULSE #56
Written by some guy who isn't Mark Waid, Art by some

guy who isn't Humberto Ramos

I had to double-check, but the answer is YES! We still

publish this book! Thrill to some fast adventures of

Bart as he infuriates Max and does some stuff that is

just TOO ADORABLE.

INVISIBLES #RED TRIANGLE TACO
Written by Grant Morrison, Art by Phil Jiminez

It's a story with characters as fresh as five years

ago! The Invisibles, who are TOTALLY "CUTTING EDGE"

and "HIP" are assigned to investigate the pleasures

and dangers of the "GRUNGE" movement-the only problem

is, when they GET to SEATTLE, everyone POINTS at them

and LAUGHS! These are the kinds of comics your

grandmother warned your dad about! More mind-bending

"weirdness" from Grant Morrison's ghost writers!

JLA #38
Written by Grant Morrison, Art by Howard Porter

THIS IS IT, JLA fans! The FINAL ISSUE of Grant and

Howard's critically-acclaimed, fan-favorite run on

DC's premier team book! Words can scarely describe

the emotions we feel here at DC as the torch is

prepared to be passed with this DOUBLE-SIZED issue.

Every dangling plot thread, every character

revelation since issue #1 has been leading to this

moment, and Grant and Howard plan to go out with a

BANG. THIS is what we've all waited for--the reason

we've been buying this book all along as Grant and

Howard have planned this magnificent uber-arc climax since the very beginning!

And while, unfortunately, Grant and Howard left no

notes or anything for this issue's fill-in creative

team of Gerard Jones and Don Heck, I just want to go

on record as saying they did the BEST THEY COULD and

maybe Grant MEANT for Mageddon to be Captain Boomerang

ALL ALONG.

KURT BUSIEK'S ASTRO CITY VOL 2 #21
Written by Kurt Busiek, Art by Brent Anderson

KURT BUSIEK action as you requested as KURT BUSIEK's

Steeljack goes up against KURT BUSIEK's Black Mask

Killer in KURT BUSIEK's Astro City! Yes, we're still

on that SAME STORY! KURT BUSIEK's plots sometimes

GO ON, don't they? As an added bonus, KURT BUSIEK's

ALEX ROSS paints the cover. Ever wonder what it's

like at KURT BUSIEK's house? "Hey! Those are KURT

BUSIEK'S Pudding Pops! Put those DOWN and leave KURT

BUSIEK's kitchen nook immediately!"

LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN #5
Written by Alan Moore, Art by Mr. Squiggles

Another book by "GENIUS" Alan Moore, who is sort of a

pain in the ass, if you ask me. He makes us answer the

phone, "Hello, BC Comics, may I help you?" just in

CASE it's him. Plus, we have to erase the little

picture of Superman that goes out on his paycheck and

draw in SUPREME, of all things. He made beloved President

Janette Kahn change her name to Banette Bahn, and when

an intern said, "Welcome back to DC, Mr. Moore!",

Alan bit off his nose and spit it at him. He refers

to Washington DC as Washington BC and he once beat on

our Clark Kent statue in the waiting room til its

head fell off. He's an angry, angry man. Anyway,

this is more stuff lifted from Philip Jose Farmer,

um, I mean, more great stuff from the mind of Alan

Moore, exclusively for BC Comics!

LEGION OF SUPERHEROES #124
Written by Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning, Art by Olivier Coipel

ASTOUNDING NEVER BEFORE-ATTEMPTED DOUBLE REBOOT ISSUE!

The first half of this story features a complete reboot of the Legion of

Superheroes, taking the best from all previous incarnations

and twisting it with just the right amount of new ideas, so that

the whole things seems pleasantly familiar, yet fresh and vital and

exciting! Then, about halfway through the issue, we AGAIN

reboot the fan-favorites, the LSH, with a fresh new approach that

manages to combine the most popular elements from previous

versions, but with bold new ideas!

MARTIAN MANHUNTER #15
Written by John Ostrander, Art by Mandrake

A JUSTICE LEAGUE TITLE! THIS ISSUE ALSO CROSSES

OVER WITH THE JLAPHID EVENT! GUEST-STARRING

SUPERMAN, BATMAN, YOUNG JUSTICE, AND AQUAMAN! AND LOBO, DID WE

MENTION LOBO? GUEST-STARRING LOBO! OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

PLEASE BUY THIS BOOK! WE'LL DO ANYTHING! I MEAN IT, ANYTHING!!!

LISTEN, MAYBE HE'S NOT MARTIAN, WOULD THAT BE BETTER?

MAYBE HE'S, SAY, A NINJA! AND MAYBE HE HUNTS, SAY, WOMEN WITH HUGE

BREASTS? WOULD THAT DO IT? OH, GOD, WE'RE LIKE ONE ISSUE AWAY FROM

BEING REPLACED BY BLACKHAWK REPRINTS!

PLANETARY #9
Written by Warren Ellis, Art by John Cassaday

The PLANETARY team is sent to investigate a modern

stone-age family that insists on pushing a granite and

sabre-tooth hide vehicle through town with their FEET. As

always, the Planetary team is completely extraneous to the

plot and perform no real function. Drummer dialogue

highlight: "Weesa got a GRAND army! That's why yousa no

likin' us, meesa think!"

PREACHER #58
Written by Garth Ennis, Art by Steve Dillon

Special ALL ANAL RAPE issue, with buggery as-u-like-it! This

is the issue where Garth's fascination with forced sodomy

really picks up steam, as Jessie, Cassady, Arseface and Tulip

finally give in and just start goin' at it--16 pages of action you

should DEFINTELY keep in that "special" box of periodicals

you keep hidden in the closet. Plus, in a surprise back-up

story, the question almost NONE of you asked is answered in

the poignant tale, "Whatever Happened To That Load Of Shite Jessie Dumped

Way Back In Issue 12?" Wub, indeed!

STARMAN #62
Written by James Robinson, Art by Peter Snejbjerg

This issue, Jack speaks with the

ghost of his great uncle on

his mother's side, who was a

plumber. A plumber for Justice

at a time when Opal City most

needed such a man!

STARS AND S.T.R.I.P.E. #7
Written by Geoff Johns, Art by Lee Moder

In this issue, Courtney switches Pat's heart medication with Ex-Lax, shortsheets his bed, and

then attempts to set fire to the house while he's still in it! Then, spunky Courtney runs

away from the house screaming, "You're not my FATHER!", and becomes a heroin addict, using

the original Star-Spangled Kid's belt to beg strangers for spare change! Plus, in this issue,

Pat becomes sullen and abusive! It's a generation gap comedy-of-terrors for THIS odd couple!

SUPERGIRL #40
Written by Peter David, Art by Leonard Kirk

I called Peter and asked him what this issue was about and he said, "I don't know. Demons, I

guess. No, wait! Ghosts. Yes, definitely. It's about ghosts." This issue: Ghosts!

THE TITANS #12

Written by Devin Grayson, Art by Mark Buckingham

In our first anniversary issue, all romantic subplots are tied up as the main focus of the story is

just a big ol' pile of naked Titans discussing their dysfunctions! Plus, in a much-needed move,

another eight Titans join the team. Sorry, I've just been handed a note--it's now TWELVE new

Titans!

TOMMOROW STORIES #4

Written by Alan Moore; art by Kevin Nowlan, Rick Veitch, Jim Baikie, and Melinda Gebbie; cover by Baikie

And this one time, Alan came in and insisted that we all look like HIM, you know? So, we all had

to stop bathing and wear these false beards, and I remember that the grubby clothes we had to put on really started

itching after awhile. It was harder on we women, I think, cause after a while we started really feeling unattractive, but

DC staffers are made of stern stuff, and we even got used to him monitoring our total bathroom usage. Then Alan forced

us all to watch his one man play -- that would have been okay but it was like six hours long and for some reason he

did all the dialogue backwards. I think it was about how he grew up, as told by his toenail. Afterwards, as a

joke, I suggested maybe he should do a Tom Strong/Superman team-up...I knew it was wrong, but the play

had made us ALL a bit loopy. Anyway, Alan splashed acid in my face. This issue features the usual four serials,

all of which are supposed to be a bit creepy, I guess. I wish my hair would grow back on that one side.

TRANSMETROPOLITAN #30
Written by Warren Ellis, Art by Darick Robinson

In the final chapter of the three-part masterpiece, "Lonely City", Spider Jerusalem is forced

to choose between saying things that sound really really cool and quotable, or actually

speaking like a human being might speak. Plus, a broad sense of ennui pervades as the

seeming aloof quality of Warren Ellis' characters finally topples their desire to live in a

story we HAD to call, "There's No Snooze Alarm To Life!"

WONDER WOMAN #153
Written by Eric Luke, Art by Matt Clark

Diana faces her greatest challenge as a new villaness named FUGUE or something casts like a SPELL of some kind which

forces humanity to submit to their primal urges in a way, seemingly. A horrified Diana is called to beat the **** out of

humanity, but can even a WONDER WOMAN pummel the world's citizens into peace?

YOUNG JUSTICE #17
Written by Peter David, Art by Todd Nauck

So, I called Peter David AGAIN and asked what was happening in YJ, and he said something about Robin being

the Professor and Impulse was Gilligan and Arrowette was Ginger, and then he started laughing really HARD, but I'm not

sure what he was laughing AT, exactly.

SPECIAL NOTE FROM DC: Please note that the revised

Elseworlds 80 Page Giant has again been recalled, in

order to avoid children poking out their own eyes and

replacing them with flamethrowers to emulate

Superman's "heat vision".

You'll All Be Sorry Home | You'll All Be Sorry Archives

 
You'll All Be Sorry

Send This Article to a Friend

Separate multiple email address with commas.

You must state your name.

You must enter your email address.