You'll All Be Sorry

Mon, December 13th, 1999 at 12:00am PST

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor


Stamping the Plebis... - An interview with Grant Morrison.

13 Questions - Robert Kanigher

Dear Kady Mae

Tart of the Month - Lisa Webster


Stamping The Plebis…

An informal visit with Grant Morrison

by Barb Lien

When I first found out that I'd be interviewing Grant

Morrison at Wizard World, I got a bit nervous, as I'm a big fan of his. Most people are fans of Grant's writing, and I am, too, but also I like how he

drinks. He's like a modern-day Bob Eubanks. No, not Bob Eubanks…who is that guy who drinks a lot? He was in a book? Not like

a Stephen King book…more like a book by one of the Dickens brothers. Like in Good Expecations. Or a book by Hemmingway, like Moby Dick. He's like

someone in that book who drinks. Like Robert Burns or Wink Martindale. No, not Wink Martindale. He's not a

big drinker. But you get the idea. He looks really cool when he's passed out.

Second, I like the way he talks. He's like a Scotsman who is trying to speak English or something. He reminds me of my hamster if my hamster

was from Scotsland. So soft and warm and snuggly! Pwetty widdle fluffykins!!! I miss my hamster the MOST.

Third, I like the way he looks wearing pants and stuff. He looks like someone who would really UNDERSTAND me, I mean, understand writing. He looks

like someone who would understand writing. And me. One look at his pants and I felt a real connection. He's got really good taste in pants. I could get lost

looking at those pants. I really feel like his pants see through this faade into the heart of me. I mean, his readers. Excuse me a moment, I have to get a

drink of water.

Back. Okay, fourth, even though we haven't spoken, in my fantasies he has a marvelous sense of humor and a deft yet bold touch and isn't afraid to sit back and let a woman

watch tv and order take-out. So few men these days are comfortable with that, and it's a pleasure to meet someone who is brave and noble and wearing pants. I

mean, I assume it would be. This is my first time out of the house in six years.

Fifth, he's a gifted storyteller. Anyone who has read his Animal Man

or Invisibles, or drawn thousands of pictures of him dressed as a Viking would know that Grant Morrison is the REAL deal. Even

his feet smell nice, at least in theory.

My time with Grant was over far too soon. He was witty, charming, then apprehensive, then a bit concerned, then he started getting really nervous and had that

LOOK in his eyes, like he was scared or something, then right back to witty and charming again when the security people showed up. I could have asked him

questions all day, and in fact I would have had he not given me the slip by jumping out the window of the men's restroom.

So, sixth, he's CLEVER.

Sequential Tarts: Thanks for agreeing to this

interview, Grant…It's totally hot of you, I mean, it's

real real nice. REALLY! Now, let's start off with a

question about sexuality. How do you feel about girl comics fans?

Especially interviewers? Tell about how you feel

towards girl interviewers. Be as descriptive as you

like, I won't mind.

Grant Morrison: Eh?

Sequential Tarts: Finish this sentence…I think

girl interviewers are sexy because…

Grant Morrison: Uh…I'm not available, you know.

Sequential Tarts:

Grant Morrison: I mean…sorry, but I thought we

were going to talk about my work…? Eh, are you all


Sequential Tarts: I'm not crying about that! I'm

thinking of SOMETHING ELSE and it's VERY SAD and I

just started crying!

Grant Morrison: May I ask why you've drawn our

intitial all over your sketchpad with hearts all


Sequential Tarts: Those aren't our initials! It's

for a test at school! These are my crib notes! And

it's an ANATOMY test and that's why I drew all those

hearts! And the cupids are there because I have a

POETRY test later that same day...HONEST.

Story continues below

Grant Morrison: Oh. Hmm...time's really

flown...perhaps we could


Sequential Tarts: Oh, you'd LIKE that, wouldn't

you? You make me SICK! I HATE YOU!!! BURN IN HELL,


Grant Morrison: I don't even KNOW you!!!

Sequential Tarts: I'm sorry! Oh, god I'm

sorry, Grant! Let's never quarrel again! Look! I baked

you some banana nut bread in the shape of King Mob's


Next week, part two of my exclusive interview with

Grant Morrison, featuring me asking Grant about what

color kitchen he might like to have in our dreamhouse!

Hope he lives, unlike my hamster!

13 Questions

Robert Kanigher The Seminal Punk

by Katherine Keller

Robert Kanigher rocks so HARD, he's rockety rock rock.

SGT. Rock. PET Rock. ACID ROCK! He's written thousands

of comics, featuring top pops like Metal Men, and…some

others. I met him at a shopping mall and blocked the

doorway with my cart til he answered some hard-hitting

wet-dream slam-bang questions! He's real real handsome

in a great great grandpa way...I found Bobrob to

be smart, funny, strange, mind-blowing and turn it up

turn it up go wild FREAK OUT!

1) Hey na na na na sha BOOM! I dig you the MOST,

hep mature Kanigher Kat! Of all the characters you've

worked on, which is your fave rave early grave?

Well, I suppose it would be Sgt.


2) Pierced nipples or au natural?


3) If you were king of Mars, what kind of

government would you set up?

Here now, young lady…I thought you were

going to ask me about being a WRITER.

4) If you had to marry the devil, who would play

"Here Comes The Bride?" KORN or METALLICA?

If I had to…now, stop this foolishness at

once, or I'm going to yell for the


5) Stump rump flumpy gump!

Now, that's not even a proper


6) What was it like working with comics legend Joe


Eh? Oh, well, since you've asked an

intelligent question, I'll respond in a like fashion.

Joe Kubert and I didn't always agree, but I always

respected him, and I have no reason to believe he

didn't feel the same way about me. I could TRUST him.

He was an artist in a way these new kids don't fully

understand. I felt no compunction about asking him to

draw a "lonely tree" or a "mournful sky." I remember

one time, in an Our Army At War story, I asked Joe to.

7) Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater! If you did Madonna,

would you beat 'er?

All right. I've had enough of this. Move

your cart, Miss.

8) If you were a thousand feet tall, and could

wear any kind of hat you wanted...derby or beret?

Leave me alone!

9) If you had to kiss BECK on the mouth, what do

you think his tongue would smell like?

Please! I'm an old man! Let me by!

10) What country has grosser people, France or Belgium?

My foot is caught in your cart! Ow! Ow!

Stop it!!!

11) Wasn't CHEMO a BUTTFACE?!


12) Ginger or Mary Ann? Assuming you're straight, I mean?

13) Woah! Did you faint?

14-16) Shit...did anyone SEE that? Am I in trouble? Does anyone know C.P.R.?


Dear Kady Mae

Are you angry at the world? Filled with bile and hate and rage? Want to just lash out at someone till their red red blood flows like wine? Wouldn't it be nice if someone cared?

I sure don't! But write me anyway! I'm Kady Mae, and I'm here to make you laugh, even though your letters are so goddamn STUPID!

Dear Kady Mae,

I don't know where to turn. My life is just a hopeless

mishmash. It's a struggle just to get up in the

morning. My family hates me, my boss doesn't respect

me, and I'm so very alone. I honestly don't know how I

can make it another day.

- Needs help and understanding

Dear Needs Help,

Go to Hell. Do us all a favor and kill yourself now.

- Kady Mae

Dear Kady Mae,

My favorite comic is Authority. I'm really enjoying its skewed take on superheroes. Do you like Authority?

- Likes Authority in NYC

Dear NYC,

If you love Authority so much, why don't you marry them? And shut up while you're at it!

- Kady Mae

Dear Kady Mae,

My name is cody Im six years old. I like comics. I don't get your colum it seems like its supposed to be funny or something but I don't get the joke part. One time I acid aksid akxid mistaked bought an issue of Preacher and my mom sent me to a deprogrammer. She

said she was afraid my mind was rooned. I like the name of your web sight cause Sweet Tarts are my favoirit candy after chukles will you be my friend?

- Cody Likes Chukles and Wolverine

Dear Cody,

You stink and your mom's a whore. You'll never be truly happy.

- Kady Mae






miss him so. Maybe he'll take me back if I let him

date other women? Maybe I should call him…do you

think I should call him? What if he just laughs at me

Story continues below

and hangs up? What if that other woman answers? I'm

not gonna call him. Oh, god…I'm calling him. That's

it. It's time to swallow my pride. Hello? Is Phil

there? Well, when do you think he'll be back? Why do

you need to know who this is? All right all right,

it's me, Kady Mae. What do you mean he doesn't want to

talk to me? Can't I just…now, listen, I just want

to TALK to him...goddammit!


Good thing I still have this bag of hair from his hairbrush!

Til next time, sweeties!

- Kady Mae

Tart of the Month

Lisa Webster

How do I describe Lisa Webster? Well, she's fresh,

kicky, happy-go-lucky, and the owner of 18 cats! Since

Lisa is me, and I'm the world's authority on me, I

guess I'll be asking MYSELF this month's hard-hitting

questions, cause no one else was available! So, settle

back, and MEET LISA WEBSTER! :)

Lisa, what do the Tarts mean to you?

Oh, the Tarts are great. So smart and

witty and well-dressed. It's an honor to be a Tart!

And my kitties love the Tarts, too. They're like kitty

Tarts, honestly, cause they take no dookie from

anyone, just like their mommy!

That's great, Lisa. So you're enjoying your

newfound respect and acceptance here?

Very much so! It's a pleasure to be

affiliated with a site where comics are discussed so

intelligently. And everyone here has been wonderful to

me. It's a cliche, but they really made me feel like

one of the family.

...And you would NEVER do anything to hurt

your new friends, would you?

Of COURSE not! Hey, aren't you SUPPOSED

to be asking me questions like, "WCW or WWF?" or "Hot

fudge vs. Strawberry"? What's with all these

questions about whether or not I like it


All right, all right. Kingdom


or Marvels?

Oh, I guess I'd have to take Marvels there...I enjoyed KC, but Marvels was just more fulfilling for me!

That's nice.

Do you have another question, Interviewer Lisa?

Yes, Interviewee Lisa. I DO have another question. Interviewee Lisa, you'd NEVER set fire to the Tarts' office building, would you?

What? No! Of COURSE not! Why, the very IDEA!

Even to see the yellOw oRange ReD firE go CRackle

CracKLE cRAckLE?

...No...never. Please, let's just move

on...that was a LONG time ago. I'm BETTER now.

IaN wAnts to TaLk to yOU, LisA...I'm goINg AWaY NoW, baCK TO tHe DARk PLacE. I'm SORRY, LiSA. SO SoRRy!

NO! Please! Not IAN!!!

Heh...too late, Little Lisa! It's yer ol' pal, IAN!!! Long time, no viddy! Now, I'm gonna ask ye some PROPER questions and ye'd BETTER GET THEM RIGHT, I WARNS ye!!!

Yes, o Great Lord of the Raging Conflagration...I hear and obey...I hear and obey...

Can yez recite the DARK OATH OF THE SACRED ASH, Lisa? And what's better, Deep Space Nine or Babylon 5?

Next month: Honorary Tart Squeaky Fromme!

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