|Stamping the Plebis... - An interview with Grant Morrison.
||Dear Kady Mae
Stamping The Plebis…
An informal visit with Grant Morrison
by Barb Lien
When I first found out that I'd be interviewing Grant
Morrison at Wizard World, I got a bit nervous, as I'm a big fan of his. Most people are fans of Grant's writing, and I am, too, but also I like how he
drinks. He's like a modern-day Bob Eubanks. No, not Bob Eubanks…who is that guy who drinks a lot? He was in a book? Not like
a Stephen King book…more like a book by one of the Dickens brothers. Like in Good Expecations. Or a book by Hemmingway, like Moby Dick. He's like
someone in that book who drinks. Like Robert Burns or Wink Martindale. No, not Wink Martindale. He's not a
big drinker. But you get the idea. He looks really cool when he's passed out.
Second, I like the way he talks. He's like a Scotsman who is trying to speak English or something. He reminds me of my hamster if my hamster
was from Scotsland. So soft and warm and snuggly! Pwetty widdle fluffykins!!! I miss my hamster the MOST.
Third, I like the way he looks wearing pants and stuff. He looks like someone who would really UNDERSTAND me, I mean, understand writing. He looks
like someone who would understand writing. And me. One look at his pants and I felt a real connection. He's got really good taste in pants. I could get lost
looking at those pants. I really feel like his pants see through this faade into the heart of me. I mean, his readers. Excuse me a moment, I have to get a
drink of water.
Back. Okay, fourth, even though we haven't spoken, in my fantasies he has a marvelous sense of humor and a deft yet bold touch and isn't afraid to sit back and let a woman
watch tv and order take-out. So few men these days are comfortable with that, and it's a pleasure to meet someone who is brave and noble and wearing pants. I
mean, I assume it would be. This is my first time out of the house in six years.
Fifth, he's a gifted storyteller. Anyone who has read his Animal Man
or Invisibles, or drawn thousands of pictures of him dressed as a Viking would know that Grant Morrison is the REAL deal. Even
his feet smell nice, at least in theory.
My time with Grant was over far too soon. He was witty, charming, then apprehensive, then a bit concerned, then he started getting really nervous and had that
LOOK in his eyes, like he was scared or something, then right back to witty and charming again when the security people showed up. I could have asked him
questions all day, and in fact I would have had he not given me the slip by jumping out the window of the men's restroom.
So, sixth, he's CLEVER.
Sequential Tarts: Thanks for agreeing to this
interview, Grant…It's totally hot of you, I mean, it's
real real nice. REALLY! Now, let's start off with a
question about sexuality. How do you feel about girl comics fans?
Especially interviewers? Tell about how you feel
towards girl interviewers. Be as descriptive as you
like, I won't mind.
Grant Morrison: Eh?
Sequential Tarts: Finish this sentence…I think
girl interviewers are sexy because…
Grant Morrison: Uh…I'm not available, you know.
Sequential Tarts: …
Grant Morrison: I mean…sorry, but I thought we
were going to talk about my work…? Eh, are you all
Sequential Tarts: I'm not crying about that! I'm
thinking of SOMETHING ELSE and it's VERY SAD and I
just started crying!
Grant Morrison: May I ask why you've drawn our
intitial all over your sketchpad with hearts all
Sequential Tarts: Those aren't our initials! It's
for a test at school! These are my crib notes! And
it's an ANATOMY test and that's why I drew all those
hearts! And the cupids are there because I have a
POETRY test later that same day...HONEST.
Grant Morrison: Oh. Hmm...time's really
flown...perhaps we could
Sequential Tarts: Oh, you'd LIKE that, wouldn't
you? You make me SICK! I HATE YOU!!! BURN IN HELL,
Grant Morrison: I don't even KNOW you!!!
Sequential Tarts: I'm sorry! Oh, god I'm
sorry, Grant! Let's never quarrel again! Look! I baked
you some banana nut bread in the shape of King Mob's
Next week, part two of my exclusive interview with
Grant Morrison, featuring me asking Grant about what
color kitchen he might like to have in our dreamhouse!
Hope he lives, unlike my hamster!
Robert Kanigher The Seminal Punk
by Katherine Keller
Robert Kanigher rocks so HARD, he's rockety rock rock.
SGT. Rock. PET Rock. ACID ROCK! He's written thousands
of comics, featuring top pops like Metal Men, and…some
others. I met him at a shopping mall and blocked the
doorway with my cart til he answered some hard-hitting
wet-dream slam-bang questions! He's real real handsome
in a great great grandpa way...I found Bobrob to
be smart, funny, strange, mind-blowing and turn it up
turn it up go wild FREAK OUT!
1) Hey na na na na sha BOOM! I dig you the MOST,
hep mature Kanigher Kat! Of all the characters you've
worked on, which is your fave rave early grave?
Well, I suppose it would be Sgt.
2) Pierced nipples or au natural?
What? SPEAK UP!
3) If you were king of Mars, what kind of
government would you set up?
Here now, young lady…I thought you were
4) If you had to marry the devil, who would play
"Here Comes The Bride?" KORN or METALLICA?
If I had to…now, stop this foolishness at
5) Stump rump flumpy gump!
Now, that's not even a proper
6) What was it like working with comics legend Joe
Eh? Oh, well, since you've asked an
7) Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater! If you did Madonna,
would you beat 'er?
All right. I've had enough of this. Move
8) If you were a thousand feet tall, and could
wear any kind of hat you wanted...derby or beret?
Leave me alone!
9) If you had to kiss BECK on the mouth, what do
you think his tongue would smell like?
Please! I'm an old man! Let me by!
10) What country has grosser people, France or Belgium?
My foot is caught in your cart! Ow! Ow!
11) Wasn't CHEMO a BUTTFACE?!
12) Ginger or Mary Ann? Assuming you're straight, I mean?
13) Woah! Did you faint?
14-16) Shit...did anyone SEE that? Am I in trouble? Does anyone know C.P.R.?
NEXT WEEK: KATHERINE ASKS THIRTEEN QUESTIONS OF THE NICE OFFICER WHO ARRESTED HER! ROCK ON!!!
Are you angry at the world? Filled with bile and hate and rage? Want to just lash out at someone till their red red blood flows like wine? Wouldn't it be nice if someone cared?
I sure don't! But write me anyway! I'm Kady Mae, and I'm here to make you laugh, even though your letters are so goddamn STUPID!
Dear Kady Mae,
I don't know where to turn. My life is just a hopeless
- Needs help and understanding
Dear Needs Help,
Go to Hell. Do us all a favor and kill yourself now.
- Kady Mae
Dear Kady Mae,
My favorite comic is Authority. I'm really enjoying its skewed take on superheroes. Do you like Authority?
- Likes Authority in NYC
If you love Authority so much, why don't you marry them? And shut up while you're at it!
- Kady Mae
Dear Kady Mae,
My name is cody Im six years old. I like comics. I don't get your colum it seems like its supposed to be funny or something but I don't get the joke part. One time I acid aksid akxid mistaked bought an issue of Preacher and my mom sent me to a deprogrammer. She
- Cody Likes Chukles and Wolverine
You stink and your mom's a whore. You'll never be truly happy.
- Kady Mae
KADY MAE'S HALL OF SHAME:
My FATHER, my MOTHER, my SISTER (let her BURN
FOREVER), my UNCLE, my THERAPIST, my HIGH SCHOOL GYM
TEACHER (may she ROT in HELL!), my REPUGNANT
EX-BOYFRIEND WHO DOESN'T EVEN DESERVE ME, oh, god, I
miss him so. Maybe he'll take me back if I let him
date other women? Maybe I should call him…do you
think I should call him? What if he just laughs at me
and hangs up? What if that other woman answers? I'm
not gonna call him. Oh, god…I'm calling him. That's
it. It's time to swallow my pride. Hello? Is Phil
there? Well, when do you think he'll be back? Why do
you need to know who this is? All right all right,
it's me, Kady Mae. What do you mean he doesn't want to
talk to me? Can't I just…now, listen, I just want
to TALK to him...goddammit!
That REALLY PISSES ME OFF!!!
Good thing I still have this bag of hair from his hairbrush!
Til next time, sweeties!
- Kady Mae
How do I describe Lisa Webster? Well, she's fresh,
kicky, happy-go-lucky, and the owner of 18 cats! Since
Lisa is me, and I'm the world's authority on me, I
guess I'll be asking MYSELF this month's hard-hitting
questions, cause no one else was available! So, settle
back, and MEET LISA WEBSTER! :)
Lisa, what do the Tarts mean to you?
Oh, the Tarts are great. So smart and
That's great, Lisa. So you're enjoying your
newfound respect and acceptance here?
Very much so! It's a pleasure to be
...And you would NEVER do anything to hurt
your new friends, would you?
Of COURSE not! Hey, aren't you SUPPOSED
All right, all right. Kingdom
Oh, I guess I'd have to take Marvels there...I enjoyed KC, but Marvels was just more fulfilling for me!
Do you have another question, Interviewer Lisa?
Yes, Interviewee Lisa. I DO have another question. Interviewee Lisa, you'd NEVER set fire to the Tarts' office building, would you?
What? No! Of COURSE not! Why, the very IDEA!
Even to see the yellOw oRange ReD firE go CRackle
...No...never. Please, let's just move
IaN wAnts to TaLk to yOU, LisA...I'm goINg AWaY NoW, baCK TO tHe DARk PLacE. I'm SORRY, LiSA. SO SoRRy!
NO! Please! Not IAN!!!
Heh...too late, Little Lisa! It's yer ol' pal, IAN!!! Long time, no viddy! Now, I'm gonna ask ye some PROPER questions and ye'd BETTER GET THEM RIGHT, I WARNS ye!!!
Yes, o Great Lord of the Raging Conflagration...I hear and obey...I hear and obey...
Can yez recite the DARK OATH OF THE SACRED ASH, Lisa? And what's better, Deep Space Nine or Babylon 5?
Next month: Honorary Tart Squeaky Fromme!
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