You'll All Be Sorry: Disclaimer

Mon, December 27th, 1999 at 12:00am PST

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor


You are cordially invited to attend

MARVEL'S MILLENNIUM
MADNESS PARTY!

(Yes, we know the Millennium's not for another year!
That's no excuse to skip a party!)

When:
This New Year's Eve beginning at 9:00 pm

Where:
The Marvel offices

B.Y.O.B.A.W.F!*

(Bring Your Own Bottle And Web Fluid)

See you there, True Believer!

MARVEL OFFICES: The entire area is festooned with

inexpensive and gaudy Christmas decorations that

haven't been taken down yet…an anxious Bob Harras sits

alone, awaiting the first arrivals. A clearly ragged

and worn "HAPPY NEW YEAR" banner is hanging in the

reception area; the year "1995" has been painted over

and replaced with "2000". The elevator opens up and

the first three guests arrive…

9:15 PM:

TOM DeFALCO: Are we early? Did we get here too early? No one's here yet?

BOB HARRAS: Not at all, Tom! Welcome!

ROGER STERN: Uh…swinging party, Bob. It's like a morgue in here.

D. CURTIS JOHNSON: Nice to meet you, Mr. Harras, although I'm not sure why I was invited, since I don't work for Marvel…

BOB HARRAS: Oh, well, you never know, Dan. You might end up over here some day.

D. CURTIS JOHNSON: Well, maybe, but right now I'm very happy at DC.

Roger and Tom exchange knowing glances…

TOM DeFALCO (to Roger): Uh, oh…here comes the talent larceny…

BOB HARRAS: (To Dan…) Happy at DC? Well, of COURSE you are! Why WOULDN'T you be? DC's a great company, really. It's just, well…I hate to mention this…

D. CURTIS JOHNSON: Mention what?

BOB HARRAS: Well, it's just that DC's been talking trash about you.

D. CURTIS JOHNSON: What?

BOB HARRAS: Uh huh. DC called you a slut. ALSO, I can't say this for sure, but I think DC's been sleeping around on you. But you didn't hear that from me, tick a lock, shut my mouth, and may I burn in Hell if I say another word.

D. CURTIS JOHNSON: …?

BOB HARRAS: Listen, we'll talk later. We went all out tonight, guys: peanuts, Chex Mix, and all the fresh fountain soda you can swallow! And that's not all…for musical entertainment, we've got AIR SUPPLY MANIA!

ROGER STERN: Air Supply? The band you hired to bring in the year 2000 is AIR SUPPLY?

BOB HARRAS: Well, no, but these guys sound JUST LIKE Air Supply! I swear, if you close your eyes, you'd SWEAR it was the real thing. Listen, we were lucky toget them. They're HUGE in Canada. MONSTROUS, I swear…I had to pull strings like crazy, call in a few favors…hey, excuse me a minute guys, there's that Geoff Johns guy. I've GOT to talk to him!


I'm all out of Love


I'm so lost without you,


I know you were right,


Believing for so long…


10:20 PM:

MARK MILLAR: Well, that ought to shake up this horrible party. These Yanks really haven't a clue, have they?

GRANT MORRISON: What are you on about, rogue?

MARK MILLAR: I've spiked the soda dispenser something fierce. Serves the bastards only too right, I say, for drinking Coke morning, noon and night, instead of Stout. No wonder they're all so fat.

GRANT MORRISON: Ah, this'll be brilliant. Listen, did I tell you what Harras was willing to DO to me if I'd come over to Marvel? Bloody disgusting, it was.

MARK MILLAR: Eh, you should've taken the wee fellow up on it, just to say you'd done it. Hey, this is literally the worst band I've ever heard…Christ!


BOB HARRAS : (whispering conspiratorially…) Listen, Geoff. I can't PROVE DC has hired a hitman to have you whacked, but is it really worth taking the CHANCE? So, you can work at Marvel and LIVE, or…well, YOU do the math!


MARVEL SECURITY: I'm sorry, sir, but you can't come in.

ERIK LARSEN: What? But I was invited! I turned down other parties to BE here! I changed my entire schedule to MAKE it to this stupid goddamn party… My invitation says I'll be the Guest of Honor, for God's sake! I made Wolverine Marvel's second best-selling book! What are you guys THINKING?

MARVEL SECURITY: I'm sorry, sir, but I've been told that your invitation has been rescinded and sent to Fabian Nicieza.

ERIK LARSEN: (Fuming…) Well, can I at least have some Chex Mix to go?

The Marvel Security officer speaks into his radio headset briefly, nods head in understanding…

MARVEL SECURITY: No.


Lost in Love and I don't know much


Was I thinking aloud


Fell out of touch


But I'm back on my feet,


Eager to be


What you wanted…


10:45 PM:

DAN JURGENS: God, you know, if I didn't know better, I'd swear this Coke was like, half Scotch. Heh. It's really good!

TOM BREVOORT: It IS good. I don't know about you, but my plan for tonight is to drink my own weight in Mountain Dew. Deeeeewwwwwww-HA!!!

ANDY KUBERT: hic! Hey, have you guysh tried the Mr. Pibb? Man, this band sucks. Hey, whish brother am I again….do I draw Cap or the Hulk? I hope it's th' Hulk. Those shircles are hard to draw on Cap's shield. REALLY HARD! Hey, another thing, man…I love you guys. You guys are the BESHT! You're AWESOME! Really! Dan, I LOVE you on Hawkman. And Tom, you…well, I don't know for shure what you do but you're GREAT at it, word up! Man, I'm wrecked.

DAN JURGENS: I think SOMEONE had a little too much Mr. Pibb.

ANDY KUBERT: (Passes out…spilling his Spidey Big Gulp cup)…

TOM BREVOORT: Oh, man…I just had a thought. What if this really IS the end? I mean, what if tonight really IS the last night and at midnight it's the Second Coming or the Apocalypse or what if the Government shuts down or something?

DAN JURGENS: …Ah, you're talking crazy. I'm sure it'll all be fine.

TOM BREVOORT: I hope so, man. Really. I hope that this is just one more night in our lives, and tomorrow we'll wake up, and it'll be a bright January morning, and the electricity will work and there won't be ravenous hordes of white supremacists on motorcycles rounding us up to work in their slave camps and forcing us to stomp animals for their crush videos and that we'll not be forced to eat our own household pets because the hunger gets to be too much to bear and then one of the head Nazis takes a shine to us and says we can get extra rations if we do what he says and keep our mouths shut but it's all for nothing in the end when we finally die because the rats, oh god, the rats are everywhere!!! Oh, my God, Dan…we'll never make it. We're too PRETTY for a work camp!

DAN JURGENS: …

ANDY KUBERT: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

TOM BREVOORT: (Sobbing…)

DAN JURGENS: Hold me!


BOB HARRAS: Look, Kurt. I know this is gonna sound crazy to you…but cloning isn't as dangerous as it sounds, and that way, you could do your little Gorilla and Astroville books and still write half our line! Whattya say, will you at least THINK about it? I mean, is that too much to ask? Or, how about this? We get someone to write your books and just put your name on them! Or, how about this? What if we changed it from "The AMAZING Spider-Man" to "KURT BUSIEK'S Spider-Man" with your name being in neon ink, or crayon, or you know, whatever we can afford? Would you consider possibly doing an Avengers spin-off if I could PROMISE you hookers? I mean, a LOT of hookers? Aw, geez…now you're all offended. Kurt! Don't go! Have some Chex Mix!!! Aw, GEEZ!


WARREN ELLIS: Christ, I hate affairs like this. Nothing but bloody sycophants and wannabes, the lot of them. The stink of my talent burns oil and shits filth into the air, honestly, compared to these arse-wipers.

STEVEN GRANT: Too right, Mr. Ellis!

BRIAN WOOD: Freshen your Orange Slice, Mr. Ellis?

STEVEN GRANT: No, let ME do that, Warren!

Warren and Brian both stare at Steven icily…

IAN EDGINGTON (whispering to Steven): We're to call him MR. ELLIS, you great oaf!

STEVEN GRANT: Ah…but I'll put Glenfiddich in your soda, War…I mean, Mr. Ellis!

WARREN ELLIS: DONE!

STEVEN GRANT: Woohoo, dodged a bullet!


Just when I thought I was over you…


Just when I thought, I could stand


On my own


Oh, baby those memories come


Crashing through


And I just can't go on without you


Without you

John Byrne runs up to the stage and grabs the microphone….

JOHN BYRNE: VOHHHHHHHHHH-LARRAY, woah, woah…Volare!, wo-wo-wo-woah!

BEN RAAB: For God's sakes, has his cranium actually GROWN? Is it just me, or his skull ENORMOUS now?

GARTH ENNIS: (Snapping his fingers…) Hadn't noticed, mate. Y'know, I swear these guys are every bit as great as the REAL Air Supply! I hope they do "The One That You Love"…! That's me FAV'rit!


11:30 PM:

BOB HARRAS: (To Bob Gale…) You see, Bob. Hollywood isn't everything. Sure, there's money, women and glamour, but where's the LOVE, Bob? I'm telling you, you NEED to move here and write WARLOCK. Opportunities like this don't come every day, you know? And I personally promise to give you lovin' like you never knew, if that's what it takes!


JAY FAEBER: (Wearing his New Warriors t-shirt and nothing else, duct-taped to the ceiling…) Hey! Look at me, everyone! I'm SPIDER-MAN! I'm SPIDER-MAN!!!


JOE CASEY: Man, this party sucks wind. If I wasn't half-toasted on Mr. Pibb I'd be at home watching Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve Party right NOW.

CARY NORD: Did you hear about the Marvel Knights party? They have a buffet dinner, strippers from the top male AND female dance clubs, and their guest speaker is Bishop Desmond Tutu!

TERRY DODSON: I heard that their BAND was the Rolling Stones!

JOE CASEY: Yeah, THOSE guys know how to throw a party. Hey, look! Tom Brevoort is nailing himself into the bathroom, and HE'S STOCKPILING ALL THE CHEX MIX!!!

ALL: GET HIM!!!


TOM BREVOORT: (Screaming through the bathroom door…) Leave me ALONE!! THE END IS COMING!! GO HOME TO YOUR LOVED ONES!!! And could someone please slip some comics under the door for me to read? It's lonely in here! Something good, please…NOT X-MEN!!!

JOE CASEY: (Yelling from outside the bathroom door…) LISTEN, TOM. WE DON'T WANT YOU. WE JUST WANT THE CHEX MIX. PUT THE BOWL DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM THE DOOR. WE DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYBODY.

TOM BREVOORT: Please! Just LEAVE ME ALONE! I want to face my creator in peace! crunch crunch chew…

BART SEARS: (Whispering…) We need something solid to ram the door down with…Hey! Let's use ANDY KUBERT!!!

Tom Brevoort eats Chex Mix in terror as a loud THUMPING is heard on the bathroom door…

JOE CASEY: We're all agreed, right? After the Chex Mix is safe, Tom goes straight to the work camp, right? Mum's the word, we're all in this together….now, get a good grip on Kubert…got him? Okay…HEAVE!!!!

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP


Here I am


The one that you love


Askin' for another day

GARTH ENNIS: God, I LOVE this SONG!!!

Understand the one that you love


Loves you in so many ways


11:55 PM:

BOB HARRAS: ATTENTION EVERYONE! I'M SORRY, BUT WE MADE A BOOKKEEPING ERROR, AND I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK ALL FREELANCERS TO GIVE BACK THEIR ADULTY NOVELTY GIFTS! AND PLEASE, WHOEVER STABBED THE LEAD SINGER FOR THE BAND, TURN YOURSELF IN, YOU'LL THANK YOURSELF LATER!


BOBBIE CHASE: Gross! Howard Mackie is making out with a Hulk action figure! EWWWWWW! YUCK! Now he's using the "RAGE CRUSHING" feature! YUCK!!

TOM DeFALCO: I find it oddly compelling!

RON GARNEY: Get the video camera! This is SO ****ed up!

BOBBIE CHASE: Oh, good God, he's going for the Galactus figure…

ALL: EWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


CHRIS CLAREMONT: (To Warren Ellis, Mark Millar, Garth Ennis, and Grant Morrison) You guysh think yer SO HOT. Well, lemme TELL ya something. You OWE me. You're ALL jusht doing the shame shtuff I did twenny YEARS ago. Jenny Shparks is just SHTORM. JLA is jusht SOVEREIGN SEVEN. And PREACHER is just CAPTAIN BRITAIN AND EVERYONE KNOWSH IT. YOU SHTINK, alla you!

GRANT MORRISON: Now, who are you again, mate?

MARK MILLAR: He's somebody…I think he might be Gerry Conway.

GARTH ENNIS: Quiet, you lot! I can't hear the SONG!

CHRIS CLAREMONT: (Vomits noisily…)


11:59 PM:

DAN JURGENS: You know, I'm sure Tom was wrong. I don't think anything bad is gonna happen at midnight. I really don't.

JOHN ROMITA, JR.: OH, I'm sure you're right. I mean, computer error, terrorism, panic in the streets, religious fanaticism, the breakdown of public services, martial law, hackers, fringe groups, rioting, vandalism, violent crime…these things simply don't happen in America.

DAN JURGENS: TRUE. Still…I wonder. I mean, what if all we've done, all we achieved; all the art and all the stories…what if tonight is it, and in the morning, it's all gone? What if the stories that inspired us just evaporate? What if all our efforts just…end, and there's no future for anything we love?

JOHN ROMITA, JR: Are you still talking about Y2K, or is this one of those clumsy metaphorical dealies?

DAN JURGENS: Uh…that second one.

JOHN ROMITA, JR: I hate those. Let's get some more Coke. Hey, where's my Galactus figure?


12:00 MIDNIGHT




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