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Riverdale…good God, you used to be such a beautiful place. I had so many wonderful dreams about spending my life here; marrying Archie Andrews, having lots of children and even grandkids someday. But then the plague, and the earthquake, and the terrorist attacks, and another plague, two more earthquakes, a meltdown at the power plant, a final earthquake and then a couple more plagues, and it's like the whole town is CURSED or something.
My name is Betty Cooper. Last year, I was an honors student at Riverdale High, on my way to a bright future. Now I work collecting urine for Dilton Doiley's recycling plant, helping to create the only potable water in all of Reggietown. It's grim, disgusting work. I try not to think about it too much.
Since the government sealed off all access to Riverdale months ago, hope isn't the only commodity in short supply. Those strong enough to force their will upon the populace cut the town into heavily-guarded territories, and began immediate rationing of all supplies. Reggie's made me an offer: marry him and live like a queen. Sometimes, when I think of the awful things I've had to do just to survive here, I find myself weakening and considering his proposal.
So why don't I? You guessed it: I'm still in love with Archie, even though he disappeared right around the time the government closed the town off. There are rumors and sitings, but nothing conclusive…Oh, Archie. I miss you so much. Why did you desert us?
But last night…I had a revelation. I know what to do now. It hit me like an electric shock. I know what we can do to bring hope to the whole town and sanity back into all our lives.
We need to get the band back together.
POP'S CHOKLIT SHOPPE A burnt-out wreck; one of the saddest sights in all Riverdale. Pop hasn't been seen in a week, but Jughead refuses to leave. At first I thought it was loyalty to Pop, but now I'm not so sure… BETTY: But Jughead…! We NEED you! Without your rock-solid drumming, we can't even HOPE to reform the Archies! JUGHEAD: You know, it's totally surprising what you can make a hambuger out of. Really, you wouldn't believe it. The first ratburger I ate, I really had to choke down, you know? But now, jeez, I WISH I had a nice juicy ratburger. You don't have any rats on you, do you? I'll swap you a napkin dispenser for a medium to large rat, and I'll do the gutting, what do you say? BETTY: Listen, Jughead…Forsythe, I mean… JUGHEAD: Don't call me that! Unless you have a rat! BETTY: Okay…Jughead, listen. This town is DYING. They've sealed the town off completely and the Mighty Crusaders can't get in. Even Sabrina, the Teenaged Witch and Sonic the Hedgehog are powerless to help! It's up to US to…what is that you're cooking? JUGHEAD: Nothing. BETTY: It looks like a stewpot with a foot in it… JUGHEAD: It's a rabbit. Sometimes, when you skin a rabbit, it looks like a foot. BETTY: That's a foot. Where's Pop Tate, by the way? JUGHEAD: … BETTY: Well? JUGHEAD: I can't think with you nagging me all the time! BETTY: Jughead, please, listen to me. I'm getting the Archies back together. We had a number one hit…that's bigger than the Partridge family and the Brady Kids together. If we can play one last time, I KNOW it'll bring joy and hope to the hearts of everyone in town, and we might just all learn a valuable lesson, like we used to at the end of every episode. And maybe the government will lift the ban on imported goods…that'd mean beef, Jughead…real, juicy, cornfed beef. JUGHEAD: Damn you, foul temptress! Just let me pack up this foot stew and my drumsticks…
We barely made it out of that block alive…it seems Jughead's dog and former best friend Hot Dog had gone feral and was leader of a pack of wild scavenger hounds. They had us cornered and things looked pretty grim, until Jughead bravely sacrificed his foot stew. I know he was considering throwing me to the dogs first, but I've been doing a lot of kickboxing lately, and I guess he just decided not to risk it.
Next stop, Reggie's headquarters in the Admin offices at Riverdale High… REGGIE: Betty, dear Betty. So nice to see you. And you've brought Butthead. JUGHEAD: DON'T CALL ME THAT! REGGIE: Can I offer you something? I have half an apple…I could get you an ounce or two of Pepsi, I think…We have a six-pack of Surge, but oddly, no one will drink that stuff no matter how thirsty they get. JUGHEAD: Do you have any rat? An ounce or two of rat? BETTY: We're not here for that, Reggie. Are you in or not? And how'd you get the eyepatch? REGGIE: I got in a knife fight with Ms. Grundy. Old bag packs a surprising wallop! Look, I haven't picked up a bass in months, and the New Riverdale Militia is taking up SO much of my time, what with training, Reggie Appreciation Day, public executions and whatnot. Really, I'd like to help, but… JUGHEAD: Let him answer the rat question! REGGIE: Anyway, aren't the Pussycats available? Certainly Josie'd be glad to pitch in at this dark hour… BETTY: Josie and the Pussycats are in outer space and you KNOW it, Reggie! Look, if you ever cared about me -- if you ever had any feelings for me at all, you'd do this. I knew you BEFORE you became a Neo-Nazi, Reggie, and I know that somewhere, deep down, underneath all those SS symbols, there's a rockin' musician dying to get out and pump up the jams one…last…time! REGGIE: …I never could resist you, Betty. I know you always loved Archie more, but…All right, you got me. I'll play. JUGHEAD: Hey! Ms. Grundy's kinda HOT in that Eva Braun outfit!
Lodgeville was easy to get into…we just told the guards that we were the caterers and they sent us right on through. Not much has changed at the Lodge mansion, except that they've re-legalized slavery, to the surprise of no one. There was an odd moment when Mr. Lodge tried to sign us all into indentured servitude, and then we finally got a chance to explain the situation to Veronica. VERONICA: ...Betty, dear, I'm sorry, but of course I can't play. Daddy's got me so frightfully busy these days, with the cotillions and debutante balls. It's just out of the question, I'm afraid. BETTY: I see. I should have known you'd only care about yourself, even in a crisis when the whole town is suffering. Well, let's go, Jughead. I guess we'll find Archie without Veronica. VERONICA: ARCHIE?! You're looking for ARCH…I mean, well, I've reconsidered. I'll go with you, of COURSE I will! Let me just fetch a few things for the trip. Reggie, be a dear and carry my bags…? JUGHEAD: Man, I just lost another tooth, and my hair is falling out in clumps! REGGIE: I don't get it. I mean, what IS it with Archie? He's broke, not that bright, has bad hair, a crap car, is terrified of commitment, wears ridiculous clothes, and yet, you girls would do ANTYHING for him! VERONICA and BETTY: sigh…! JUGHEAD: Stupid rats with their lack of nutritional components!
It turned out Archie wasn't as hard to find as I'd feared. He was working in Moosedale. We were kind of shocked and surprised to see Moose dressed like a seventies-style pimp, ala Huggy Bear, though. MOOSE: Duh, I understand you'd like to rent one of my boys? Everything in No Man's Land has a, duh, whatchacallit, a PRICE, Betty. REGGIE: Gee, I knew I should have declared war on Moosedale weeks ago. MOOSE: Duh, listen, Reggie, I'll cut you, you dis me again. Stupid Nasty! VERONICA: That's 'Nazi', Moose. Reggie's a 'Nazi', not a 'Nasty.' Where'd you get those darling platform shoes, by the way? JUGHEAD: What does this job pay, Moose? I know I look a little weird right now, but that's probably just scurvy, and in a dark alley, who cares anyway? BETTY: Please, Moose…this is for the whole town. We NEED Archie. Without him, there ARE no Archies! MOOSE: Duh, okay, but duh. Duh. This one's on me, guys. For, duh, old time's sake. BETTY: (Hugging Moose…) Oh, THANK you Moose! You might've just saved us all!
When Archie came through the door wearing a pretty pink teddy with his face all covered with too much rouge, we all could see why he'd kept a low profile. REGGIE: I may not have any depth perception now, but isn't Archie dressed like a girl? ARCHIE: ...Veronica? BETTY: Hey, dip****! Over HERE! HELLO! Excuse me, I'm the one who got us all together…? It was me who got Moose to let you out of your contract? HELLO!?!!? I waved my hand in front of his face, but it was like I was invisible to him. ARCHIE: Oh, Veronica!! You don't know how many times I've thought of you!! VERONICA: Oh, really? Well, now that I know you want me so badly, I don't care about you at all. Hmmph! BETTY: While *I* can't bear to think of you with anyone else, Archie, even though you've been with probably hundreds, by the looks of things! REGGIE: While *I* would gladly give my LIFE to see either of you look at ME the way you look at Archie, just once! JUGHEAD: While *I* have virtually NO sexual impulses whatsoever, of ANY kind! MOOSE: Man, duh, you guys is pretty screwed up for a kid's comic, don't you think? ALL: ? MOOSE: Seriously, duh, I mean, take a look at the covers to your comics. They're all about how deceitful Reggie and Veronica are, and what a poonhound Archie is, and how Jughead doesn't care about anything but food, and how Betty and Veronica look in skimpy bikinis and how they're supposed to be friends but would kill each other for a man…it's just weird, duh. JUGHEAD: It's not true about me, now that I think about it... I have this wild fantasy, where Cheryl Blossom and Katy Keene are both in bikinis, and they're cooking me a bunch of big fat juicy ratburgers, and then they eat a rat together and let me watch, and then we all three of us eat a rat at the same time…Oh, my God, I'm so hungry! VERONICA: Ew. How post-apocalyptically common.
ARCHIE: HIT IT, Jughead! Sugar,
Oh, pizza,
(Jughead now likes eating feet…!)
Oh, woah oh oh oh!
SUGAR!
(hey hey hey!)
Needless to say, the concert was a big success, til someone thoughtlessly shot Moose's girlfriend Midge a bunch of times, but to be honest, we all sort of expected that since something like that always happens at the end of a big crossover. It did seem a little gratuitous, but you know, editors work in mysterious ways. S'funny, but right after the concert, the government opened the gates of Riverdale and allowed relief workers in. It may have been a coincidence, but I like to think that our singing had something to do with it.
It's almost bizarre how fast things are going back to the way we were. Almost as if the whole thing never happened.
Jughead seemed to be able to go right back to eating beef without any serious adjustment period, which is nice. Reggie's going away for a while, probably something to do with his whole Death Camp plan. Veronica is already off to Paris, shopping. Seems she accidentally wore the same outfit twice during the whole No Man's Land debacle, and now she never seems sated no matter what she spends.
And me? Well, Archie and I are married. It turns out that he wasn't always girlwatching simply because he was on the make 24/7, it was also because he was jealous of our outfits.
But he's ALL MAN, otherwise, and our life together has been really wonderful, everything I'd ever dreamed. Too bad the poisoned water made him sterile, and it's weird having a husband with breasts, but no relationship is without a few quirks. And we'll always have the music. In fact, we're thinking of hitting the road as a duet, just Archie on guitar and me on tambourine. We may be coming to your town, someday. So just remember, in a weird way, EVERYTHING'S Archie!
Signed,
Betty Cooper-Andrews
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| You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the following information.
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