You'll All Be Sorry: Disclaimer

Mon, November 8th, 1999 at 12:00am PST

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor

Tony's Hourly Online Tips
From "America's Most Beloved Comic Writer, Columnist,


and Convention Oddity, Tony Isabella!"

"Anthony was always a very good speller."
Mrs.

Applebee, 1963

DECEMBER 14th, 1999 10:00 am

We're working without a net here, folks.

Last week, the swell guys who run this website came and spoke to me about something never before attempted on a comics website. See, when I started at CBG, I was one of their first weekly columnists. Then, a lot of people saw the innovative work I was doing, and deemed it good, and became weekly columnists themselves. Subsequently, the kind people at WFC asked if I could do my column, but DAILY. Ever the adventurer, I agreed, and succeeded quite nicely, I add humbly.

But now, there are other, less-beloved columnists out there who work daily, and we've come to the conclusion that one column a day is no longer enough. Suppose the Medina Public Library gets some new books in? Suppose I see a new episode of Sailor Moon? Suppose I get a rock in my shoe? You people have to wait up to TWENTY FOUR HOURS to hear about it! Obviously, such a situation is intolerable, for both you, the fans, and myself, the beloved Tony Isabella.

So, from now on, I'll be coming to you with a NEW column EACH hour, EVERY hour! No longer will you have to make do with only my daily column, my weekly column, my message boards, and my email updates! Now, your entire day can be FILLED with TONY!

Let the celebration begin.

******

DECEMBER 14th, 1999 10:00 am

I don't know what I was worried about...so far this is easy!

Since this is the first day of this bold experiment, I feel it's fitting to introduce myself to any poor, deprived creatures who aren't yet familiar with me.

My name is Tony Isabella. In the seventies, as a writer, I created BLACK LIGHTNING for DC Comics. Other writers have used BLACK LIGHTNING, but I created him. BLACK LIGHTNING, which I created, was created by me. While writing for DC Comics, I created BLACK LIGHTNING, which was a character I created, thus creating the character BLACK LIGHTING. Who was black, with lightning powers, and was my creation. His name was BLACK LIGHTNING.

I also have a dog. I named the dog BLACK LIGHTNING, after a character I created for DC Comics named BLACK LIGHTNING.

******

Later...

******

December 14th, 1999 10:00 pm

Whew! Fourteen columns so far and I'm still feeling fresh as a feminine hygene ad! I don't feel a single bit less beloved than usual!

Sorry about that column around eight pm that I did about TV dinners. I was having a TV dinner, and I just couldn't think of a different topic. And really, I still do feel it's weird how the peas always get into the apple cobbler. It's like they put them there on purpose.

But we're back on track now! I have a GREAT topic. Keyboards! No, not the musical ones...the kind I'm typing on right now! Yeah! That's a terrific topic!

Keyboards: Belove them or leave them. I like the way the letters are all lined up nice and neat. Mine is sort of off-white. It has a keypad, too, which is nice. I don't use that keypad much, though. I like the function keys. Someday I plan to learn how to use them. I like my space bar...it sort of sproings right back when I hit it with my thumb. SPROING!

Okay, maybe this wasn't such a great topic. Next, MONITORS!

******

Later...

******

December 15th, 1999, 4:00 am

Twenty columns and still going strong!

But if I don't go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW, I'm gonna

have to do a column about

ruptured bladders, so, here's a much-beloved random

column from an old issue of CBG

that still has a lot of relevance today!

COMIC BUYER'S GUIDE: TONY'S TIPS #30387

So, here's why I think giving back the Panama Canal is

a BAD IDEA...

******

Later...

******

December 16th, 1999 5:00 am

Okay...we're on column...45 now, and to be honest...the words on my screen are just sort of running together...I'd say it's time for a trip to the THOT mailbag!

"Tony, this is Gail, from You'll All Be Sorry...remember me? Please, listen, we're all getting a little worried out here...you seem to be getting a little loopy. Please please please, stop this overkill madness and TAKE A NAP! We love you and we're VERY VERY CONCERNED!"

That's nice, Gail. Thanks for your question. The answer is Bob Rozakis.

And here's another letter - This time from Brendan "Nightwing" Hockenberry, who raises an interesting point, if I remember correctly, which I don't:

"Fellow Author, I desire the knowledge of how to break into comics. I've tried posting hateful letters to "creators" on the internet and I've tried joining a "fanfiction" webring and nothing seems to "work." Surely you must have some "inside" "knowledge" that you are withholding from me.

Dear Brendan,

For the love of GOD, I don't know the ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION! I've been asked it a BILLION TIMES and NO ONE knows the answer!! QUIT BOTHERING ME! I have NOTHING LEFT to GIVE!!! I've told you EVERYTHING! I give and give and no corner of my life is my own any longer! Haven't you little parasites had ENOUGH!? Oh, my God...I'm so tired...please, just let me rest...I'm starting to have visions...

Next column: empty coffee cups!

******

Later...

******

December 16th, 1999 10:00 pm

Column 62 and feelin' fine!

I just started taking every pill in the medicine cabinet! Not only am I WIDE AWAKE, but my BACK is no longer sore and I'm no longer suffering from the pain of menstrual cramps for some reason! WOW! I feel GREAT!! ZING ZING ZING!

This is a good time to tell you about SHADOW WAR OF HAWKMAN! Okay, so I was called into the offices of DC Comics...uh, oh...

The stuff is wearing off...

Oh, man. Crashing bad.

Urgh.

******

December 16th, 1999 11:00 pm

Column 63

Buffy is purty. eheh. eheh.

******

December 17th, 1999 4:00 am

Column 68

Okay...this may be harder than it seemed at first, but I've been slapping myself repeatedly and that seems to help. Let's dig into the review bag, shall we? Okay! First, I have some DC Comics. Well, let's see...Lobo, Preacher, Invisibles, Hellblazer...I don't recognize any of these! Where's Warlord, Freedom Fighters, and Strange Sports Stories? Someone must have REALLY messed up over at DC! SWEET CHRISTMAS!

I can't review these. I'll just review my socks. They're mismatched, which is sort of debonair, really, and one of them has a hole, and I've had them on so long even my dog Black Lightning won't go near them. A +. My eyes don't want to stay open, but I can't disappoint the fans who are expecting a column, so here are some random letters, just til I get my second wind: simoie ejsk elklk;g ajljfoauijioe kdjkjgoijg9elk dkjdkjddid. ldkojd

******

Later...

******

December 18th, 3:00 am

Hah! I've lost track of which column number this is...I've stripped to the waist and put war paint on that I made from Magic Markers and lit asignal fire next to my desk in case help comes. I've spent the last half-hour sharpening the legs I broke off my printer stand. They should make good spears if the enemy attacks. Every once in a while, someone comes pounding at the door, pretending to be my wife or children, but I'm on to their game. I have to go for a bit...I'm going to go hunt wild boar in the closet, behind those old stacks of Comics Buyer's Guide.

I can't remember what my name is right now. Is it BLACK LIGHTNING? I honestly don't remember...all I remember is that I didn't care for the last issue of Green Lantern. Someone help me. Please help me. I'm losing my ability to typ.

******

Later...

******

Decempet 20 3999

Column topic: pudding. Pudding num num. Other topic: Funky Winkerbean. Funky Winkerbean haha. Comic review: Spider Man. Spider Man not like old days. Stranger in Spider suit. Miss Roy Thomas, Marv Wolfman, others. Last topic: Cleveland Plains Dealer. Cleveland Plains Dealer good newspaper. Ink not smudgy. All you write editor of comics tell editor let Tony write comics.

******

Later...

******

Decvmenber 123 , 30 pa

So tired, lets hit tony mailbag.

this letter fri=m gail.

Tony, please please please get some sleep. Is there anyone there who can make you stop? Tony, can you understand my words? Tony? Answer me, Tony! Come on, come on! STOP WITH THE COLUMNS, TONY!! GO REST!!! PLEASE, for the LOVE of GOD, get some SLEEP!

Thank write, gail. not know anser gail quesion. Tony ask frend Bob Ingersoll, law is ass.

Tony, Gail's right. I'm citing the precedent THE PEOPLE VS. CHRIS FARLEY, and it turns out the human body can only take so much. Get up and rest, or I'm calling the police and telling them you've gone mental. Tony, as your friend and legal advisor, GET SOME REST!

Thank a lot, Bob Ingersoll. Readers shood read Law is ass every week here. It interesting. Not interesting as tony but intrestng still.

Tony hear sirens. gess it time tony go. thank reading Thot. Write lot more column when com bak from hopsital bye.

tony gone

bye.

bye.



Special thanks to Tony Isabella and Justin at World Famous Comics for the logo. Be sure to read Tony's real column every day of the week, Tony's Online Tips.

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