October 11, 1999
Hello, True Believers, and WELCOME as I once again take you once again into the
mysterious intestinal tract of your favorite comics company, MARVEL, once again!
Nothing is sacred as I peel away the layers of SECRECY that have surrounded these
hallowed halls for ages! I'll be your INSIDE SOURCE for all the JUCIEST bits of real MARVEL
excitement, well after they've leaked to other sources! Of course, I could
do my job a LOT better if I were actually ALLOWED to enter the MARVEL OFFICES during
business hours, but BOB HARRAS says I'm THIS CLOSE to being replaced by a
COFFEE MAKER and a COPY MACHINE! So, let's get ON with it, before he sobers up!
A LITTLE APPRECIATION WHERE SOME APPRECIATION IS DUE!
Everyone who knows what a wonderful,
generous, beacon-of-light-like company MARVEL is knows you rabid fans come FIRST around here! But once in a
while, we like to take a moment to let the CREATORS of our Extraordinary Epics know how much we appreciate the monthly mini-masterworks
they do for us. Honestly, comics may all seem like FUN and GAMES to you faithful fans out there, and we love producing
them for ya, but it's a lot of work, too! And so, we raise a toast to those writers good and true, putting the "SNIKT" in Wolverine's claws each
month...to our stable of artists, who bring unparalleled visual excitement to Spider-Man and the FF, not to mention drawing
those fershlugginer circles on Cap's shield...to all of you, and to many more, our sincerest and warmest thanks. Without you, we'd be nothing but
an empty corporate shell, trading in on the emotional attachment an ever-decreasing number of fans feel for characters
created by people we've long since stopped speaking to. Marvel creators, your work won't be forgotten, and your subpoenas are in the mail!
W HO OWNS MARVEL THIS WEEK?
Well, surprise surprise! It turns out that the new owners of Marvel Comics are a Scandinavian fish-processing firm! May I just humbly take a moment to say how HAPPY we all are to be part of LUTEN*TECH? And that I plan to pay a LOT more attention to THOR?
A MINI-INTERVIEW WITH TOM BREVOORT!
I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T TELL YOU THIS...
But while I was doing my regular janitorial duties (that's right, fans! Your much-beloved MAN AT MARVEL is, like writer/drawer DAN JURGENS, a DOUBLE THREAT!) late last night, I saw that BOB HARRAS seems to be working on a NEW manuscript! Well, his return to writing is BIG NEWS, so I'm certain he won't object if I leak just the title! Seems Bob's new scorching hot tour-de-force goes by the swingin' name, HOW TO FAKE YOUR OWN DEATH, THE MARVEL WAY! Mum's the word, effendi!
TRUST NO ONE!
Well, as USUAL, the so-called "legitimate" news sources have got the story WRONG WRONG WRONG but trust SOME GUY WHO WORKS @ MARVEL to give you the REAL DEAL! Seems that in a recent issue of KEVIN (DOGMA) SMITH'S red hot hot hot revival of DAREDEVIL, a churchful of NUNS were supposedly "killed" and "tortured" and "poked with forks" and "strangled" by sizzling-hot baddie BULLSEYE. Well, never let it be said that MARVEL isn't compassionate to the cries of BUSYBODY MOMS with nothing BETTER TO DO than APPROVE their children's READING MATERIAL. So, to all of you caring, devoted spoilsportesses out there, it was a TYPO. It happened at the LETTERING FACTORY. LAY OFF, dig? How is this story ever going to GO AWAY if you keep BRINGING IT UP???
THE BEST COMIC OF THE CENTURY?!?!
Ignore what I said last column about the return of KICKERS, INC. The hottest newguaranteed hit from the Gelatinous Geniuses at Marvel has GOT to be the hip-hoppin', move-bustin', street hero for the new millenium, SPEEDFREEK! Interest in this TOP SECRET (shhh! No telling the competition!) blazing hot new character is at FEVER PITCH, and a toyline, cartoon and movie are following shortly thereafter! Don't miss his...what? I'm doing a column here. Cancelled? What? Are you sure about this?
Okay. Forget all that SPEEDFREEK stuff. Next week, MORE ABOUT KICKERS, INC!
AND NOW...THE MIGHTY MARVEL MAILBAG!!!
Boy, you guys sure keep me on my toes! But that's okay...that's how I earn my $7.50! I promise to try to answer even the toughest questions here each week! Like for example, my friend Terry, who says,
Terry, if I had a dime for every time I've been asked this question, I could buy Marvel from those fine, noble people at Luten*Tech! Somehow the misconception got spread around that Marvel Comics were so incredibly great that a single customer could only purchase ONE per week...well, let me assure you, nothing could be FURTHER from the truth, except maybe a Jim Shooter editorial! The solution is simple. Next time you go to your local friendly, well-lit, non-threatening to women and children, soft-rock-playing comics store, simply ask the friendly attendant to help you select a WIDE VARIETY of Marvel titles. Then, using money that you have earned either through work or perhaps a gift from your grandmother, PURCHASE the whole lot of them! It's JUST THAT EASY!!! Don't forget to write back if you need help purchasing hot-as-anything MARVEL POGS!
Do you ever take "ideas" from "fans"? I have some killer "plots" for the X-Men.
Signed, Brendan "Nightwing"
Ah, Brendan! Unfortunately, Marvel creators are wildly imaginative and creative people with plentiful ideas of their own. In fact, most Marvel creators have the problem of having simply TOO MANY wonderful ideas to fit in the number of books they work on! I'll give you John Byrne's email though...Jesus, that guy's hard up.
I am six years old. I only like marvel. I don't like dc accept batman. your column seems sycophantic and lacks kredibility. its just a shameless hype machine without charm or wit. id trust a crack addict before lisntening to you. stan lee made this sort of thing fun because he knew that hype could be entertaining and not insulting, a distinction which you sir seem unable to make. dont you realize that this sort of heartless marketeering causes disillusionment and apathy in fans. my cat is named charly. i like the thing because hes orange like an orange.
Letters like this are thrilling to us at Marvel. Because you truly are our future. Your wonderful, touching letter means the world to me. And being compared to Stan Lee, whom I once had the pleasure of pointing out to security so he could be removed from the building, is a real honor. Thanks, and eat your vegetables, if you want to grow up to be like the ever-lovin' THING, appearing in the swelteringly HOT Claremont-scribed FF every MONTH!
TILL NEXT WEEK!
Boy, times sure flies fast when you're doing what you love, namely kissin' ass and takin' names! Remember, if you're a creator and you have a new project you'd like me to shamelessly plug and you don't yet have a restraining order against me, LET ME KNOW! And if you're a reader with questions or comments, well, that's also good, but quit asking all those questions about me selling my soul all the time!
Some Guy Who Works @ Marvel is a wholly-owned subsidiary of LUTEN*TECH INDUSTRIES, by Odin's beard! All rights reserved, and remember to eat more processed fish, at least 8-10 servings daily!
|You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the following information.|