You'll All Be Sorry: Disclaimer

Mon, October 11th, 1999 at 12:00am PST

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor

Watchmen

WIZARD:

Well, let's get right to it, John. A lot of

people are asking; why do it? Why remake WATCHMEN?

JB: I've asked myself that question! (laughs

heartily) Listen, I know it seems a bit nuts to take

a book like WATCHMEN that some people still remember

quite fondly and completely remake it. Especially

since Alan and Dave did such a bang-up job the first

time through!

WIZARD:

Awesome! (scribbling down notes to find out

who "Alan" and "Dave" are...)

JB: But let's face it, Doctor Manhattan has got

quite a bit of rust on him! (chuckles)

WIZARD:

(chuckles)

JB: (chuckles)

WIZARD:

(laughs out loud)

JB: (chuckles)

WIZARD:

(embarrassed, goes back to chuckling...not

sure what he's chuckling about, exactly)

JB: It's like this...Right or wrong, fair or not,

deserved or undeserved, once gifted has-been or

complete arrogant hack, I've sort of gotten the

reputation of a "fix-it man". When I came to myself

with this idea, I told myself the point was not what I

Cellphones
Cell-Phones

could TAKE AWAY, but what I could JUST BARELY CHANGE,

yet STILL TAKE CREDIT FOR. I enjoyed WATCHMEN very

much, in it's day, but times have changed, and those

dirigibles look pretty dated now! So, we've got jet

balloons! And that's just one example. There are

literally five or six things that are being updated!

In one scene, instead of Nite-Owl talking into a radio

transmitter, he's talking into a CELL-PHONE! Kids

today use cell-phones. Get it? It's a cell-phone!

WIZARD:

Radical, John! So, this is a way for

WATCHMEN to get the younger audience it's been

lacking?

JB: Exactly! I'm going back to the roots of

WATCHMEN. The first eight or nine issues, before the whole

series sort of, let's face it, lost it's focus. I

want to recapture the glory of WATCHMEN. It's a

celebration of the original book. A labor of love,

honest. If I didn't love and cherish the original, I

wouldn't be doing this.

WIZARD:

And what about the "downer" nature of the ending?

JB: I can change that in two lines.

WIZARD:

Well, how will the new WATCHMAN look, as

opposed to the original? Will it be much different?

JB: Oh, COMPLETELY different! I'm faxing you some

sketches right now!

WIZARD:

(Removing crudely scrawled sheets from the fax

machine...) But, these are just tracings of the

original covers done with Magic Markers!!!

JB: Aha! To the untrained EYE, maybe!

WIZARD:

You're sure you're not just getting lazy?

JB: Lazy like a FOX!!!

WIZARD:

And this first page here...it's all about a

dog in the gutter...

JB: The dog LIVES in my version!

WIZARD:

But...why is the dog jumping up and down like

that?

JB: Because he's HAPPY! This is to establish right

away, "This ain't your slightly older brother's

WATCHMEN!" See, they all think this is nuts at DC.

A lot of people there think we should have Chromium

covers. I said, "*I'M* the chromium cover!" So

they said, we should have variant editions, and I

said, "*I"M* the variant edition!" So they

said, we just shouldn't put this book out at all, WATCHMEN

is only a few years old, and was created by giants,

and a new version would only cheapen the whole

concept! So I said, "*I'LL* cheapen the

concept!"

Watchmen
"We're releasing it in trade paperback format first, then releasing the individual issues in order to make them more collectible."
- Byrne
WIZARD:

Well, it looks like a winner, John! I have

to ask though, Many people have said that your last

several series didn't exactly set the sales charts on

fire...

JB: (makes rumbly growling noises)

WIZARD: What would you attribute your recent lack of chart success to?

JB: Easy. Fans. The internet. Other writers who are jealous of my talent. Evil Marvel. Stupid DC. A down market. Video games. People stealing my ideas. Insufficient support from the companies. Bad marketing. Poor coloring. Improper pricing. Retailers. Distributors. Sabotage. I have enemies everywhere. No one cares about me for me. (wails piteously)

WIZARD: WE like you, John!

JB: *sniff*

WIZARD: Okay, we just have one more question...

JB: I'm not answering any stupid ****ing fanboy questions about why Genesis sucked.

WIZARD: ...

JB: Get me?

WIZARD: Um...okay. No more questions then.

JB: This interview is ended.

WIZARD: ....

JB: (dead line...)

WIZARD: ...

JB: (dead line...)

WIZARD: Mister Byrne?

JB: (dead line...)

WIZARD: Hello?

JB: (Dead line...)

WIZARD: NEXT MEN SUCKED!!!

JB: (Dead line...)

WIZARD: HA! WHAT A SLAM, baby! NEXT MEN BLEW, ****HEAD!!! HA!!! (girlish giggling...line goes dead)

You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the following information.

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