PRETTY YOUNG CHRISSY SEEMS TO HAVE IT ALL. POPULARITY, BEAUTY, AND A GOOD REPUTATION MAKE HER A HIT WITH THE BOYS IN HER CLASS. OUTSTANDING STUDY HABITS MAKE HER A FAVORITE OF HER TEACHERS. BUT HOW WILL THE KIDS IN SCHOOL RESPOND TO A SUDDEN CHANGE IN CHRISSY, WHEN SHE FINDS HERSELF FALLING FOR AN UNUSUAL BEAU? WHAT TRAGIC TURN OF EVENTS COULD CAUSE CHRISSY TO CRY OUT…
"MY LOVE-MY SHAME!"
JANEY: Come ON, Chrissy! Todd and the gang are
having a picnic up at Turtle Point to celebrate
winning the big game! If we hurry, we can catch a
ride with them!
CHRISSY: …No, thank you, Janey. You go on ahead, all right?
JANEY: Chrissy, you haven't been around much lately…I think Todd's starting to lose his patience with you. Is everything okay?
CHRISSY: Everything's fine! I just have a lot of things to do today…
JANEY: Hmmph! Well, Chrissy. Don't say I didn't warn you. A guy like Todd - clean-cut, popular, and captain of the team - isn't going to wait around forever! SOME clever little girl is going to move in and be the girlfriend you WON'T be!
CHRISSY: Oh, Janey…I don't care what Todd thinks. I'll do as I please, and there's nothing he can say about it!
JANEY: Well, you just mark my words...keep it up with THAT sort of weisenheimer talk and you'll be the most popular girl in school WITHOUT a boyfriend, Chrissy Talbot!
As Janey leaves to catch up with the gang, Chrissy quietly cries to herself…
CHRISSY: Oh, how can I explain, even to my BEST FRIEND JANEY, that I've fallen in love, not with a boy from school, but with a real MAN?
JANEY'S PARENTS TRY TO SET THEIR CONFUSED DAUGHTER STRAIGHT, BUT CAN EVEN HER PARENTS' WISDOM SWAY THE LOVE-STRICKEN GIRL?
MR. TALBOT: That's IT, young lady! I've tried reasoning with you, and it's come to nothing! Now, I must be firm. I FORBID you to see that man again!
CHRISSY: But, DAD! You're being UNFAIR!
MRS. TALBOT: Listen to your father, dear…That man is not welcome in this house!
CHRISSY: (Weeping…) But, Mother…I'm almost eighteen! Why can't I make my OWN decisions? He's nothing like the boys at school…he's interesting and complex! Every word out of his mouth is like a puzzle, almost. The boys at school are just children…he's a real MAN!
MR. TALBOT: I'll say! He's almost as old as I am!
MRS. TALBOT: And he's ENGLISH!
MR. TALBOT: And he CHAIN-SMOKES!
MRS. TALBOT: And he MUMBLES!
MR. TALBOT: And he's MARRIED!
MRS. TALBOT: And he has CHILDREN YOUR AGE!
MR. TALBOT: And he DRESSES like a CRAZY MAN!
MRS. TALBOT: And he's ENGLISH!
MR. TALBOT: RIGHT! He's ENGLISH! Now, YOU may not be able to see what's wrong with this…this "relationship," but as your father, it's MY job to make these judgments FOR you. And I FORBID YOU TO SEE HIM AGAIN. Now go up to your room, young lady!
MRS. TALBOT: …And put another coat on, you look like a hussy!
Tearfully, Chrissy runs up the stairs to her room…thinking to herself…
CHRISSY: Oh, how could I ever have expected them to understand? Don't they remember what it's like to be YOUNG and in LOVE?
BUT, BEING A YOUNG WOMAN IN LOVE, CHRISSY REFUSES TO LISTEN TO THE SAGE ADVICE OF HER ELDERS! AS SHE CLIMBS DOWN THE IVY TRELLIS, A SLEEK YELLOW VOLKSWAGEN "BEETLE" GLIDES MENACINGLY DOWN THE STREET TOWARDS HER HOUSE. CAREFUL, CHRISSY…! CLIMBING OUT OF THAT WINDOW ISN'T THE ONLY DANGEROUS THING YOU'LL DO TONIGHT!
The "Beetle" slows, and the passenger door opens…Chrissy runs quickly, yet quietly across the front lawn of her pretty two-story suburban home and jumps into the car, which then scoots away into the night…
CHRISSY: Oh! I KNEW you'd come for me! I missed you SO MUCH!
ALAN MOORE: Being the romantic misadventures of a popular "author" of a certain type of picto-fiction. Not for the meek, ribald content ASSURED!
CHRISSY: My parents have told me we can never be together, Alan! They simply can't understand our forbidden love!
ALAN MOORE: INNOCENCE…! Shall the craven dastard from the mysterious British Isles lay plunder upon the ivory breast of the unsuspecting COLONIAL INGENUE? Is not there a house of victuals to assuage the beast's RAPACIOUS CRAVINGS?
CHRISSY: There's a Taco Teepee on Oak St., if you're hungry…we can sit and talk. It's quiet and has real Mexican cuisine, such as "tacos" and "corn chips"!
ALAN MOORE: A DIVERSION! Momentarily, our plucky heroine is delivered from her gruesome FATE. A horrific countenence in the dark…! Grinning the savage grin of the African tribesman at the thought of the evening's heathen repast! Oh, no more lowly a calling is there in all the civilized world than that of the ADVENTURE CHAPBOOK SCRIBE! Despair, despair!
CHRISSY: I have some coupons in my purse…
ALAN MOORE: She PAYS! It appears the beast shall feast, and feast well, despite having quite HONESTLY (no deceitful wag is the beast) forgotten his OWN coinpurse!
CHRISSY, YOU MAY BE ABLE TO HIDE FROM YOUR PARENTS AT THE LOCAL SPANIARD "FAST FOOD" RESTAURANT, BUT CAN YOU EVER OUTRUN YOUR CONSCIENCE?
Chrissy and Alan set their trays at a table by the window…
CHRISSY: Never mind them staring, Alan…It's probably the fact that you're wearing an electric blue sharkskin suit, or maybe it's the fact that you forgot to shave this decade, or maybe it's the way you keep chanting those bizarre magical incantations...
ALAN MOORE: I am now AS PEKING in GAS AN ARM! My words are all mixed PU!
CHRISSY: Oh, Darling…I know it's difficult for you! It's difficult for ME, as well! I mean, you ARE married, and English, and you have two lovely daughters my age, and you seem to think you can levitate, and you're always talking about your birth caul, and you haven't had a haircut since Elvis was popular, and you produce a ten page book of footnotes after every date, and I have so little to offer a man like you…!
ALAN MOORE: I like your STIT!
CHRISSY: Darling, we must be strong. We must show the world that our LOVE is TRUE! We must consider our FUTURE.
ALAN MOORE: (Slurping from his empty drink container...) I'm still THY STIR. I need some more EPISCOPAL.
CHRISSY: Yes, Darling, yes. OF COURSE I want to be with you forever! My feelings for you will NEVER change. You've taught me what it means to experience true LOVE!
ALAN MOORE: Fancy a HAGS? Right here on the BLEAT?
CHRISSY: Yes, yes, of course we'll be married! I know JUST how my gown will be. Oh, won't my friends be JEALOUS when YOU take me to the PROM next month?
ALAN MOORE: I suppose you'll want me to wear a BUBERR. Cursed SHE PER Simplex 2!
CHRISSY: (Tearfully...) Oh, Darling! You've made me the HAPPIEST girl in Mapleville! Nothing could stand between us now!
DON'T BE SO CERTAIN, CHRISSY! IN TEEN ROMANCE, PRIDE ALWAYS GOETH BEFORE A FALL! AND IN THIS CASE, YOU HAVE A LONG WAY TO FALL! A VERY LONG WAY! YOUR FALLING WILL INDEED BE LONG! BY "LONG" I MEAN METAPHORICALLY, OF COURSE, RATHER THAN IN THE TRADITIONAL SENSE, MEANING DISTANCE!
Janey and Todd walk into Taco Teepee, arm in arm…laughing and kissing. Everyone is stunned, except Janey, who has a sly smirk on her face, having spotted Chrissy through the restaurant window…
CHRISSY: JANEY! And TODD!
TODD: CHRISSY! What are YOU doing here? And who's this old BEATNIK?
JANEY: Why, Chrissy! What a SURPRISE! Honestly, I had NO IDEA…!
CHRISSY: Oh, I can SEE that, you tramp! How COULD you, Janey? My BEST FRIEND and my BOYFRIEND!
ALAN MOORE: A crossover sensation unlike any other! Hand out lollies, your beloved writer is in DANGER of being STRUCK in the SNOUT! His plight is represented by a dead dog with its head split open and a smiley face with bean juice on it!
TODD: Chrissy, I didn't BELIEVE Janey…not really…but now, I can see that EVERYTHING she said about you was TRUE! You're…you're NOT a good girl!
JANEY: Todd, I feel I must point out that she's a tramp, a slut, a whore, a skank…hang on, I've got a thesaurus.
ALAN MOORE: Woe betide A.M.! …A nice bit of fluff causes havoc for A. M., who promises to finish Big Numbers if only he be allowed to leave, nostrils unpunched! And no more use of language! There's no call for language!
CHRISSY: Todd…everything you think of me is TRUE. I…I don't know what to say, except that seeing you like THIS-with JANEY…! Well, it makes me realize what a FOOL I've been! I don't want to be married to a shaggy old genius/lunatic! I want to be married to YOU!
ALAN MOORE: If the lad promises not to hit A.M., A.M. in turn agrees to reveal ALL his secrets!!!
TODD: Chrissy, I don't know WHAT to think…perhaps I've let my duties as Student Council President take up too much of my time…I could have tried to make more time for US.
JANEY: Todd! What about me?!
ALAN MOORE: Tom Strong is Doc Savage! Supreme is Superman! Cobweb is Phantom Lady! The Fury is Spider-Man! Mystery, Inc. is the Fantastic Four! The Watchmen are Charleton characters! 1963 is Marvel! Greyshirt is the Spirit! Top Ten is Homicide and NYPD Blue! Promethea is Wonder Woman! U.S.A. and First American are both Captain America! I admit it! I confess all! DON'T HIT A.M.!
TODD: Janey, I never loved you. I was just USING you to make Chrissy jealous! It's her I love!
CHRISSY: Oh, Todd! I love you, too!
A tearful Chrissy and Todd embrace and kiss passionately (but with decorum), and wordlessly leave the restaurant hand in hand. A stunned Janey sits down beside the trembling Alan Moore…who glances over at the attractive young girl…
ALAN MOORE: Hrm. Uh…may I sit next to you? And put my arm around you and comfort you?
JANEY: EWWW! NO! That's DISGUSTING!
Janey gets up and rushes out of the restaurant…
ALAN MOORE: (Tearfully lighting up three cigarettes…) Oh, how can they understand the pain that goes on in the heart of Alan Moore, comics genius? Hmmm...this gives me a great idea for an homage I haven't done yet! A Spawn doppleganger called Species! AhA! The wily degenerate penman of adolecent boys' adventure stories and master of the close (but not legally actionable) facsimile does it again!
…AND SO WE LEAVE OUR SMALL BAND OF CHARACTERS, A LITTLE SADDER, AND HOPEFULLY, A BIT WISER. ONE FINAL NOTE, YOUNG WOMEN OF AMERICA! IF YOU WANT TO AVOID THE KIND OF HEARTACHE JANEY AND CHRISSY NOW KNOW ONLY TOO WELL-AVOID THE ENGLISH. THEY'RE NOT LIKE US AT ALL! THESE BARELY-HUMAN, SO-CALLED "BRITS" ARE NO BETTER THAN MONKEYS ON A FLAGPOLE, AND YOU BETTER LEARN IT, YOUNG LADY! THEY TAKE ALL THE GOOD COMICS JOBS AND THEY DON'T HAVE A PRESIDENT, EVEN. THEY HAVE A QUEEN, WHO IS REALLY A MAN, ANYWAY. TRUST ME ON THIS…THE ENGLISH ARE JUST PLAIN REPULSIVE. ALSO, BE SURE TO WASH "DOWN THERE" A LOT. NOTHING MAKES A GAL LESS APPEALING TO GENTLEMEN THAN STINKY PLUMBING. AND LEARN TO COOK, AND NOT THAT FOREIGN CRAP, EITHER.
WELL, I'M OFF TO MY OTHER GIG, DOING CAPTIONS FOR HORROR COMICS. REMEMBER WHAT I SAID ABOUT THE ENGLISH. I HATE WOMEN.
THAT LAST BIT WAS A TYPO.
You'll All Be Sorry
Mon, February 14th, 2000 at 12:00am PST