You'll All Be Sorry: Disclaimer

Tue, March 27th, 2001 at 12:00am PST

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor

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SO YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO RUN A COMICS COMPANY?!?

Well, now you can!

[Hire]lots of exciting new talent, including cranky has-been and hot young illiterate!

[Solicit]your hottest books every month to an uncaring and often hostile audience!

[Package[and re-package beloved classic material under new covers!

[Negotiate]the dangerous waters of the internet fan press!

From the creators of SimWasteDisposalManagement, comes:

[SimComics]

SimComics! requires endless patience, the ability to withstand tremendous verbal abuse, a lax attitude about fiscal responsibility and Windows 98 or better. For optimum performance, face it, whatever you got isn't good enough, and by the time you upgrade, you'll have some NEW game you'll want to play that's out of your computer's league. Hey, remember when you were so upset your computer wasn't fast enough to play Redneck Rampage? Ha, man, those were the days. Now that that game retails for 49 cents, I don't see you rushing out to buy it. Also, you should have a special graphics card, but we're not telling you which one.

JUST IMAGINE.

Imagine you get up in the morning, and you've got ulcers at age 38. Imagine the long train ride to work each day, and before you can even walk in the door, you find out:

  • The artist on your hottest book set fire to the artwork for the next three issues...

  • The writer you lent tax money to is slagging you on his website...

  • And your company's own accountants are recommending insurance fraud...

Sound like an impossible dream?

Not any more!

Now it's your LIFE. And despite your fondest hopes, it NEVER ENDS!

JUST IMAGINE!


Congratulations on your purchase of SimComics!

The world of comics publishing is an exciting place, fraught with financial and creative risks, and occasionally, huge payoffs! Will you be a Joe Quesada, or will you be a Joe Shlub?

Will you publish the next Spawn, or the next Spawn: The Dark Ages?

Only you can guide your company to Image-like heights, or Awesome-like doom!

Good luck!


GETTING STARTED

First, check your monitor. Is it just blank screen? Is the cat on it taking a nap? Do you have it upside-down? Is it plugged in? If so, what exactly is it plugged in TO? Is the picture all squarshed to one side? Are you trying to wear the speakers like earmuffs? Are you underwater? Are you mistakenly looking at your food processor instead of your monitor screen?

All these problems are covered in Section 10: Troubleshooting for Idiots.

Next: place your CD-Rom in the CD-ROM drive in your computer. It should be unwrapped for optimum performance.

Then, choose the installation level you desire:

MAXIMUM: This will take up your whole hard drive, no matter how big it is, but the game will run so fast you won't be able to keep up and with colors that will blind you and cripple you emotionally.

STANDARD: This takes up a lot less space, but you'll only be able to run a company the size of, say, Aardvark Vanaheim. Also, if you play online, you'll be fragged constantly, even though there are no guns in this game, per se.

MINIMUM: This won't work at all.

Once you've completed the installation, SimComics! automatically creates a new file folder, labeled HOTWETPORN to keep kids out.

SIMCOMICS will install Microsoft's DirectX driver (version 3.5) even if you have a later version. What are YOU gonna do about it, pissant? Hahahaha. We may just install BASIC version 1.3 while we're at it. And a Redmond, Washington screensaver, too. And Frogger. We love Frogger.


YOUR NEW COMPANY

Ready to publish comics? Well, hold on a minute, there, fanboy! You'll need people to supply the financing and produce your product. The possibilities are virutally endless, so choose wisely!

First, select a financier from the following choices:

  • COLUMBIAN DRUG LORD--


    Advantages: Has endless supplies of cash, has own airplane


    Disadvantages: May kill you, could hunt down family

  • MULTI-MEDIA ENTREPRENEUR--


    Advantages: Knows lots of hookers, firm handshake


    Disadvantages: Will leave for a non-extradition island country at first opportunity, is high most of the time without concurrent funniness

  • JIM SHOOTER--


    Advantages: Can get stuff off of tall shelves, has fun stories about Mort Weisinger


    Disadvantages: Former employees will bomb your office, funding will be pulled within three hours of first press release, is scary

Then, select the genre you wish to publish your first book in from the wide panorama that is comics!

  • SUPERHERO--


    Advantages: So cool! :)


    Disadvantages: Girls will laugh :(

  • OTHER--


    Advantages: No messy income to deal with, angry groupies


    Disadvantages: Distributor may forget to ship your books for a year, fan press will accidentally call you "Dave" all the time

Next, choose an exciting editor from the list below:

  • WACKY FRIEND TO EVERYONE--


    Advantages: Has many Hawaiian shirts, can do Yogi Bear voice


    Disadvantages: Cries at deadlines, hides under desk

  • ANGRY FEMALE EDITOR (Note: Angry Female Editor Not Actually Required to be Female)--


    Advantages: Is female


    Disadvantages: Is angry

  • COMPETENT BUSINESS MAJOR--

    Advantages: Is good at everything

    Disadvantages: Is here by mistake

Now, you're ready for your creative team! Choose the writer who'll make your characters come to life!

  • COMPLETE BASTARD--


    Advantages: Has cool accent, writes brilliantly


    Disadvantages: Is complete bastard, has bad odor

  • EMBITTERED FORMER SUPERSTAR--


    Advantages: Did legendary run on fan-favorite book


    Disadvantages: Will eventually return to same book

  • HUNGRY NEWCOMER--


    Advantages: Will write anything, anytime


    Disadvantages: Needs help with big words, wants jobs for fan-fic friends

And what good are comics without artists? Select your artist from the following choices:

  • HOT YOUNG TURK--


    Advantages: Is popular, is loved by fan press


    Disadvantages: Is unsure what elbows actually look like, thinks straight lines are for nerds

  • INDEPENDENT PRIMA DONNA--


    Advantages: Brings own fan base and small press credibility


    Disadvantages: Sells your Eisner for smack money, creates Navel Man over and over without realizing

  • DEPENDABLE VETERAN--


    Advantages: Works fast, well, on-time, is tidy


    Disadvantages: Was run out of business decades ago


CALAMITIES

Think you've got a winning team now? Well, just like real life, your company will be plagued by auditors, weather, drug-addled employees, internet harassment, paper and labor cost increases, lawsuits, second-guessers, pissed-off creators, bankers, and unseen market forces. And of course, no matter how hard you try to be a good Publisher, eventually one of your freelancers will stab you.

It's your job as Publisher to try to avoid fatal depression! Have fun!


MORE SIMCOMICS FUN

Hey, once your company is up and running, don't forget to join the thousands of borderline creepy people who have set up website, rings and fan-fiction archives for their...uh...fictional...uh, game characters...

Jesus, that IS creepy!

COMING SOON: SIMCOMICS! EXPANSION PACK ONE: CONVENTION SEASON




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You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

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