GHOST RIDER'S HEAD DECLARED A FIRE HAZARD
-- "He's Not Forest-Friendly," Says S. Bear --
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK
In an unprecedented joint communique to the nation's media, the Fire Marshal's office of New York State, the Federal Department of Parks and Recreation, and the Governor's Commission on Fire Safety joined together in declaring the flaming skull of popular comics character, the GHOST RIDER, to be an "extreme fire hazard."
State Fire Administrator Pat M. Sahee had this to say at Monday's press conference, "His head is on fire. It's burning. His head, which is more like a skull, really, is aflame. It's hot. It's not like, magic flame or anything. It's real flame. It's hot. You could roast weenies with that head.."
"He sets off the safety sprinklers in every building he goes into. I mean, it looks cool and everything, but it seems a very poor design for a spirit of vengeance and all," added Deputy Fire Marshal James Dilford. "Couldn't he have just had, like, crazy hair or something? He's always scaring the cub scouts."
Beloved fire safety spokesman S. Bear added, "At first, we weren't going to allow him a camping permit during fire season at all, but now, if he agrees to bury his skull in no less than six inches of sand, and then pour no less than three gallons of water on top, in a designated fire ring, then he can enjoy the beauty of our National park system like any non-flaming-headed people."
When asked about charges of favoritism towards Firestorm, Firehawk, and the Human Torch, S. Bear continued, "They can turn their heads off."
SUPERMAN SUFFERS ANOTHER BIG LIE
-- "We Just Made Up All That Krypton Stuff," Says Former Tramp Ma Kent --
In the wake of the stunning news that his "home planet" of Krypton was not the sterile, cold place he'd been led to believe, Justice Leaguer Superman received yet another blow to his sense of self when his "adopted" parents revealed that they, in fact, "faked the whole thing."
Pa Kent, wise and beloved moral compass for the man of steel, had a few too many brewskies over the weekend and revealed the truth behind Superman's upbringing. "Oh, yeah. You came from a 'faraway planet,' my ass! You was borned out behind the shed. I made that 'space rocket' outta some ol' tractor parts. Don't rightly know why you was so strong and all...maybe on accounta the fact that I usedta worked up to the bomb factory, mighta made my seed all fancy..."
Ma Kent added, "I was only thirteen, Clark. We didn't want you to grow up thinkin' you were a little bastard, which is 'xactly what you are, though! Yessir, a little flyin' bastard. Frankly, we're surprised you never caught on. So I guess you is a DUMB little flyin' bastard! HAW!"
"Plus, me n' your ma is cousins! Duh-hyuck!" continued Pa, who then passed out in his own urine-soaked overalls.
HUBBLE TELESCOPE REVEALS CLAREMONT X-MEN RUN TO BE 'EXCESSIVELY TALKY'
-- Many Prof. X Dialogue Balloons Visable From Space --
Comics fans were shocked this morning when NASA astronomers, parsing new data from the Hubble Telescope, announced that the billion-dollar satellite has revealed that Chris Claremont's sizable run on Marvel Comic's UNCANNY X-MEN was 'wordy.'
"We knew the Hubble was a remarkable instrument, capable of measuring tremendous amounts of data from deep space... but we never knew it was capable of detecting excessive verbiage," said Dr. Timothy Fisher of NASA.
"Are they sure? I read those books when I was a kid. I thought they were great," exclaimed long-time comics fan Jed Carter, "The Hellfire Club, Days of Future's Past, the Sentinels... even the later stuff, the Mutant Massacre, Inferno... that was the defining run on that book! I read that for years!"
Dr. Fisher responded, "I'm afraid pictures from a partially defective and hastily-repaired camera located in space and traveling at high velocity don't lie, Jed. The Hubble's clearly reporting that even the Russian guy was a real blabbermouth. We here at NASA are all shocked, both by the sheer weight of this revelation, and at the rather inexplicable abilities the Hubble has manifested to critique pop culture."
Dr. Fisher continued, "This is no longer a value judgment, subject to the capricious stylistic whims of fickle fans. This is irrefutable scientific proof provided by the Hubble telescope indicating that one of the most beloved runs in comics is burdened with a terrible surplus of words. We all need to re-examine our personal belief systems. Is nothing sacred? What's next? John Byrne's run on Fantastic Four?"
Mr. Claremont was unavailable for comment.
The Hubble also revealed that Jane Curtin has never been funny, Baseball is and always has been inscrutably boring even when the 'greats' were playing, and that almost all eighties music is soulless, mechanical pap.
NEW SELF-HATING LABELS FOR 2001 ANNOUNCED
-- Internet Gestalt Begins Immediate Vocabulary Penetration --
The new self-imposed terms of mockery were announced today amid much fanfare from the various high-traffic websites of comics fandom. Beginning tomorrow, standard format comics will now be known as "Ass-Rags," replacing the fast-ascending but lacking-in-staying-power "pamphlets," and narrowly beating out the also-suggested "Wonder-Wipes."
Superhero comics will no longer be known as "spandex books," but will now be known by the much hipper "Crap in Capes" umbrella insult, with "Masked Queen Operas" used in the more extreme cases.
Marvel Comics fans will no longer be "zombies, " but will now be called "Spider-biters" or "X-****ers."
And finally, the long-running multi-purpose insulting label "fanboy" will be replaced by the more specific and descriptive, "thrilldo."
MAN SUBJECTS GIRLFRIEND TO TERRIFYING EVENING OF ANIMATED JAPANESE PORNOGRAPHY
-- Fan To Remain Virgin, Experts Believe --
A Skokie man encouraged his girlfriend to watch several hours of pornographic animated films, even as she protested as to their content.
"Oh, it was getting her hot," said the misguided Anime fan, "You could tell."
However, all evidence points to the contrary. The young man, sharing with the woman a large personal library of animated Japanese pornographic videos in an attempt to stimulate intimacy, was unaware of the young woman's disgust and discomfort upon viewing the films. The 'girlfriend' cut the evening short, feigning a headache and excusing herself from the rest of the 'date.'
"He said it was, like, an art form in Japan, and all for adults and stuff... but EWW! The plot was about these insect robots who needed handjobs or something..." commented the girl, "I don't think I can see him anymore. I keep seeing these purple pseudopods."
The slighted young man was quick to point the finger at his soon-to-be ex. "I can't help it if she's so close-minded and xenophobic as to dismiss an entire nation's artistic output, even if it is tentacle-biased animated pornography. Which is totally a respectable art form in Japan.
"Also, she wouldn't wear the harness."
NEWS IN BRIEF
JEPH LOEB'S NEW OUTFIT REVEALED
-- Super-Scribe Gains Electro-Powers, Huge Gay Audience --
MAN ALLEGEDLY KEEPS DIGNITY IN DAVE SIM'S PRESENCE
-- "I Just Ignored Him," Says Bartender, Cleaning Up The Brilliant One's Vomit --
'KILLER PRINCESSES' RECEIVES ENTHUSIASTIC REVIEW FROM SERIES WRITER
-- "The Most Delightful New Series In Years," Says Columnist --
TODD MCFARLANE REMOVES SELF FROM OWN COMPANY
-- Former Artist Tells Self To "Straighten Up And Fly Right." --
EVERY COMICS WEBSITE SHUTS DOWN
--CBR Head Jonah Weiland says, "Don't Pani