You'll All Be Sorry: Disclaimer

Tue, April 17th, 2001 at 12:00am PDT

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor

Note to readers: Dave Sim, creator of the critically-acclaimed comic book series Cerebus, recently printed a lengthy (20 printed pages) opinion piece in issue #256. The piece is rather critical of what Sim calls "the feminist/homosexualist axis." Some feel it's a publicity stunt. Others, including former friends, seem to feel that these are indeed the heartfelt beliefs of Sim. The entire piece is reprinted at the website for The Comics Journal, at http://www.tcj.com/232/tangent0.html

What only a few people know is that the work is cannibalized from an aborted article about dating. Or at least, that's the story I made up.

[Dave Sim's Guide To Getting Chicks!]

"This Dave Sim guy sure knows women!"


Andrew Dice Clay

"How come these characters talk like the Rolling Stones? Is it supposed to be funny?"
O.J. Simpson

"Hey! You only need to change "female void" to "mongrel race" here and there and you have some really outstanding racist propaganda!"
David Duke

INTRODUCTION

Hey, men.

No, I'm not speaking to you MALES, just you MEN.

You say you're having problems with your relationships? You say your male light is being suffocated by the female void?

I've been there, brother. I'm the victim of many sordid one-night stands and several failed relationships where the only verifiable common denominator was my own participation, so of course it is only fair to assume that it's all those dirty dirty WOMEN who are at fault. This is just reason at work. Pure, sweet reason. Reason, how I love thee! If reason were a pizza, I'd proudly say, "No Emotion on that pizza, please!" Then I would eat it all up, slurp slurp chew. I think Flaubert said something about this, but I'm not sure what. Boy, is reason great. Good thing I happen to have so much of it, yep. Now I'm drawing a really old Cerebus with a wooden leg. Har!

Anyway, we all know all women secretly yearn to be raped by rich, muscular, handsome doctors, and of course in these matters, I score a perfect naught for four. But that doesn't color my judgment. Stupid dumb women!

But all is not lost. You, too, can emulate my incredible non-success with the gender that is the majority of the human population by following these simple steps:

STEP ONE: CHOOSE YOUR TARGET!

The importance of this step cannot be overstressed. You should pick your prey carefully, because otherwise you might accidentally speak with (horrors!) a woman who is not attractive, or you might even put the moves on a male and thus perpetuate the feminist/homosexualist axis. How can you tell if someone is part of this axis? Why, it couldn't be simpler--do they agree with me? No?

AXIS!

It's just that simple.

My system of avoiding responsibility for male behavior and placing the blame elsewhere is just as easy! Here's a formula to always keep in mind:

Anything bad women do = Caused by women.

Anything bad men do = Caused by women.

Anything bad kids do = Caused by women.

And this isn't just me talking. It's backed by the following undeniable evidence: when I was doing research for my Cerebus story arc, I actually swallowed my bile and spoke with unattractive women even though I had no intention of going to bed with them. Insane, you say? No, it was purely research; beautiful, sweet, wonderful research without the taint of emotion, which MIRACULOUSLY somehow managed to validate my own bitter preconceptions. Wow! How 'bout that? I didn't see THAT coming.

Now in the past, I would act happy for the express purpose of bedding a woman. This isn't lying, it's acting. And it's the woman's fault for causing the lie, I mean act, not the man's for lying. I mean acting. Quit trying to confuse me! Contrary to what you might be thinking, in such cases *I* was the victim and the woman was clearly to blame. Stupid, dumb women stealing my soul by making me a lying, creepy, scheming bastard! I mean an acting bastard.

Anyway, my own opinions and history are irellevant. Why? Because I said so. But I'll be bringing them up regularly anyway. This is part of my peculiar...writing debate thingie.

I was going somewhere. Oh, yes. I remember. "Feminism is no different from communism in that all of its literature is founded upon convoluted syntax, bafflegab and academic jargon which paints a false (albeit attractive) picture of an unattainable utopia which can be achieved - easily! - by everyone in the world simply and simultaneously (in both feminist and communist literature the "crux point" is invariable) changing their basic nature overnight."

I dare you to keep reading. Go on. Bet you'll give out before I do. Most people begin bleeding from the eyes somewhere around the section where I use quotes from my own fictional character in my own comic book as evidence to support my convictions. Oh, also check out my discussion of how penises are superior to vaginas. Penises are "there" and vaginas are an "absence." This is why noses are superior to mouths.

STEP TWO: HOW TO TALK TO A FEMALE VOID

Your opening line says it all. Not "scoring?" Try these patented dazzlers:

"Hey, you are a female void bereft of reason. What's your sign?"

"Do you come to this place often in search of a male light to leech off of and eventually divorce and then sue for alimony in the greatest injustice in human history?"

"A woman is going to do whatever makes her cheerful at the moment, and that, in my experience, is the extent of her perception of ethics. Do you like Moby?"

"The far larger question, to me, is one of "what God therefore hath joyned together let not man put asunder" (Matthew 19:6, Mark 10:9). (This, so far as I know, being the only genuinely Biblical quotation - the Synoptic Jesus again,caveat emptor - in the otherwise wholly and completely secular Christian wedding ceremony, is a major reason that I have no objection to gay marriages. I'm reasonably certain that marriage is a completely pagan, completely female invention no more sacred as an institution than are feminism or communism. It is, after all, called Matrimony and not Patrimony, isn't it? I mean, duh.) It seems to me utterly foolish to ascribe vitually any of our society's haphazard - literally "catch as catch can" - marriage unions to our Creator. In my view, an omnipotent and omniscient being simply wouldn't have that lousy a track record. Can I buy you a drink?"

"If I said you had a beautiful body which is the sole item you have that is of any value to me, and that only in passing for my own sexual gratification, would you hold it against me?"

"Heaven must be missing an angel, but said angel would not be you, because you're a woman."

"If, through a lack of patience or good manners, I should decide that I've listened to your pointless chirpings long enough, and I should decide to solidly smack you on the buttocks, leaving a visible mark for no more than an hour or two, would you have the discourtesy to point out that I'm an increasingly irrelevant recluse only months away from using Kleenex boxes for shoes and talking to invisible friends on my non-existent ham radio?"

STEP THREE: MOVING IN FOR THE KILL

You might well ask, why does a diatribe that condemns feminism for the over-usage of anecdotal evidence consist primarily of anecdotes? Hey, shut the **** up! I said this was my last word on this subject. I will brook no dissent! If I put my hands over my ears I can't hear you...lalallalalalala! I'm hiding under my desk now, lalalalalala! Oops. Swallowed a bug.

*kaff.*

Anyway, chick-wise, things are going really well, right?

Well, slow down, Romeo! Just walk away. You heard me. This is the hard part. Walk away!

No sense in actually following through with your successful seduction. I've found that, with a little practice, it's easy to go without sex entirely. Now that you've tamed that female, let her go. She's under the mental size limit. It's catch and release at the ol' Sim fishin' hole. I'm perfectly happy doing my puzzle books and lots and lots of push-ups.

In fact, I've found that by going celibate and not masturbating, the sexual urge is like a rash that goes away on its own. A dirty, sinful, bad rash. It's ugly. I hate it! I scrub and scrub but the filth just won't. come. OFF.

Uh...

What I mean is...

Everyone please buy Cerebus.

Except you dumb, dirty GIRLS.

Signed,

Dave "There's a Choo-choo in my head" Sim








Dave Sim didn't really write the above piece. He did, however, write this: http://www.tcj.com/232/tangent1.html

He also draws (with longtime collaborator Gerhardt) and writes what was my favorite comic for years, Cerebus The Aardvark. A very interesting documentation of previous Sim rants is located here: http://www.jitterbug.com/pages/sim.html

I strongly suggest visiting the Comics Journal website and reading Dave Sim's piece and making up your own mind. Kudos to the Journal for printing the piece intact.

Gail

Discuss this column on the You'll All Be Sorry! Message Board.





All characters are ™ & their respective owners. All Rights Reserved.

You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

You'll All Be Sorry Home | You'll All Be Sorry Archives

 
You'll All Be Sorry

Send This Article to a Friend

Separate multiple email address with commas.

You must state your name.

You must enter your email address.