You'll All Be Sorry: Disclaimer

Tue, May 8th, 2001 at 12:00am PDT

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor

As an Avengers Quinjet approaches top speed over a busy residential area, the skillful pilot attempts radio communication with other members of the team...

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Iron Man, come in, come in, Iron Man...this is Captain America...

IRON MAN: I hear you, Cap. If you're calling about the unidentified life-forms invading Manhattan, Thor and I are already there. But they seem to possess some sort of selective intangibility. My repulsor rays and Thor's hammer go right through them...doesn't stop them from creating havoc here, though.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Can Thor transport the creatures--open a dimensional gateway and evacuate them somehow?

IRON MAN: Negative. When we approach, they switch to their ephemeral forms and...well, it's frustrating for an Asgardian. Thor thinks they're taunting him intentionally.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I can imagine...

IRON MAN: So far, it's primarily property damage here, Cap. But there are too many of them. They appear genuinely intent on inflicting as much chaos as possible, and they don't seem to notice that human beings are in their way. We're looking at enormous civilian casualties pretty quickly, if we can't hold the line.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Stand your ground, Avenger. We're enlisting some major league assistance, ASAP.

IRON MAN: Be quick, Cap. That's all. Just...be quick.

* * * * * * * * * *

GREENWICH VILLAGE

WONG: May I help you?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: We're here for Dr. Strange.

SCARLET WITCH: We're in dire need of his help.

CLEA: **giggle**

CAPTAIN AMERICA: This is no laughing matter, miss. Is Dr. Strange here? This is an urgent matter requiring his immediate...

WONG: I'm afraid the Doctor is indisposed. Please call again later.

CLEA (sticking out her tongue...): thbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt! hahahaha!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Wanda, what's going on here?

SCARLET WITCH: I have no idea, Cap...

DR. STRANGE: WHO DISTURBS DR. STRANGE'S TIME OF REFLECTION?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Dr. Strange, it's us. It's Captain America and the Scarlet Witch, and we desperately need your help! Your old foe, Dormammu has opened some sort of portal to his own dimension, and the other-worldy denizens are crossing over into our reality!

CLEA: hee. I'm also from the Dark Dimension. It looks like a Dali painting. Isn't that funny? Dali sounds like dolly. I want to play with my Dali. Oh, that's so FUNNY, beloved!

DR. STRANGE: Heh. That does indeed amuse the Master of the Mithtic...the Mathter of the Mistake...Heh.

CLEA: Ha! You can't even SPEAK, my love! Oh, that is beyond price! Hahahaha!

DR. STRANGE: The Matter of the Misthtic Arst. Yes! The Mystic Arse Matter! That is ME! I, I mean. That is I. Heh.

CLEA: Hahahahaha!

DR. STRANGE: Heh.

CLEA: You are SO very BAKED, my love! Hahaha!

DR. STRANGE: Am not! Heh, almost fell over just now!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Snap out of it, Strange! We need your help! People's lives are at stake!

SCARLET WITCH: It smells like cat pee in here.

CLEA: "Cat pee." Hahahahahaha!

WONG: It is not my fault. They no longer let me turn the lights on to clean the catbox.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Strange, I don't claim to understand your Eastern ways or your incantations and spells, nor do I understand the black light Grateful Dead posters or the beaded doorways, and I must admit I don't quite get the point of all these lava lamps, but surely you can see that we have a better chance of defeating Dormammu if we stand together...

DR. STRANGE: ...Ahem. You're right, of course, Captain. Fortunately, I have just the spell for this exact situation. Heh.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: You do? Well, for Pete's sake, Strange, use the spell!

CLEA: Heee.

DR. STRANGE: One fish, two fish


Red fish, Blue fish...


ONE FISH, TWO FISH


RED FISH, BLUE FISH!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Well? Is it working?

CLEA: **Snort! Smirk! Guffaw!**

DR. STRANGE: Heh. Uh, ahem. No, not yet. I'm afraid I require an even MORE powerful magic, Captain. Stand back, and let DR. STRANGE utter his most forbidding spell! Heh.

SCARLET WITCH: Cap, I don't think...

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Quiet, Wanda! The Doctor needs to concentrate! No offense, but we're watching Earth's mightiest magician here!

SCARLET WITCH: But, can't you smell...

DR. STRANGE: Lollapalooza and alakazam


I do not LIKE Dormammu, man!


I do not like him in my space


I do not like his fiery face!

I would not take him to a ball


No, I wouldn't, not at all!


I do not like his purple hips,


I would not kiss him on the lips!

CLEA: Hahahahaha!

SCARLET WITCH: Ew! They made a bong out of Ultron's head!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Shhhhhhhhhhhhh! Strange needs absolute silence! This isn't some mere random hex power, Wanda. Watch and learn from the master!

DR. STRANGE: I summon all the ancient ghosts


And all the hoary Hoggoth hosts


To cast his form away forever,


For I won't date him, no not ever!

I do not like his arcane games


In coffee house or Faltine flames

I would not do Dormammu, no!


Not in a pub or movie show


Not from behind or upside-down


Not even in a wedding gown!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: It's...it's awe-inspiring, isn't it, Wanda? Watching him recite these ancient words...?

CLEA: **hee ho hahahahahaha!**

SCARLET WITCH: Hey, Clea, got any more of that stuff?

DR. STRANGE: I would not, could not with my teeth


Not perched on top or underneath


Not pointed North while he faced South


Not with a ball gag in my mouth...

Not with a monkey or macaw


Nor in a minx menage a trois


I would not do him dressed in Spam


I would not do Dormammu, man!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Strange, is it working? Is it working? Has Dormammu been banished?

CLEA: Hahahahhahahahaa!

SCARLET WITCH: Bwahhahahahahaha!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: What? What's so funny? What?

DR. STRANGE: ...The Sorcerer Supreme has the munchies. Wong, fetch me my Newtons!

And so ends the saddest day in Avengers history...Dormammu conquered Earth, the spirit beings from the Dark Dimension remade the world in his image, and everyone died. On the plus side, Clea baked cupcakes with sprinkles. Beautiful, stunning, rainbow-colored sprinkles that Dr. Strange listened to for hours.




Big Yabs thanks to James Lucas Jones and Randy Lander and especially Lea Hernandez for useful...oh, man, look at the my toes. They're so FUNNY! Hahahahaaha!

Love,

Gail

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You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

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