You'll All Be Sorry: Disclaimer

Tue, May 15th, 2001 at 12:00am PDT

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor

Disclaimer

They're everywhere...but are they harmless, or do they want to cook your cat in a stew? Marvel's eighth best superteam struggles with this weighty issue!

FACE FRONT, TRUE BELIEVERS!

In this issue of Alpha Flight, our plucky Canucks face their greatest threat ever, in a story so controversial, so SHOCKING, we HAD to call it...

[Alpha Flight]

Three figures speed through the Ontario sky, leaving fading colour trails of red, white and black. Two of the flyers are dressed in mirror image outfits of black and white, and the third, wearing a costume with a maple-leaf pattern, carries a figure small enough to be a child in her arms. Using the Metro Toronto Convention Centre as their guidepost, they soar in ever-increasing circles, at last spotting their intended target.

VINDICATOR: There's the source of the disturbance, Judd...down by that office building. Are those robots creating all that havoc?

PUCK: Looks like, Heather. They all seem to be following that goon with the 'HF' intials on his chest. What's HIS story, I wonder...sure got a crowd going.

VINDICATOR: Aurora, Northstar, you've got the best chance of an unobtrusive recon in this situation. Think you can scoot down there and see what's going on without being noticed?

NORTHSTAR: I'm insulted that you'd even imply...

AURORA: But of course we can, Vindicator. We'll do as you ask.

VINDICATOR: Excellent. Do not engage the robot army, is that clear? We'll wait out of sight until the rest of the team arrives.

PUCK: Heather, there could be civilians in that building, eh?

VINDICATOR: Those are my orders, Judd.

PUCK: You're the boss.

VINDICATOR: ...Yes, I am. Jean-Paul, Jeanne-Marie, I want you back here ASAP, agreed? This is real superhero stuff here, not the usual Department H detail. Let's get this right.

NORTHSTAR: As you wish.

[------------->]

Within moments...

VINDICATOR: What did you see, Aurora?

AURORA: The robots are attacking a free clinic, Vindicator. The man leading them appears to be speaking to the crowd of civilians with some sort of hate propaganda. But I don't think we need to worry about subtlety...

AURORA: ...And why is that, exactly?

NORTHSTAR: Because Sasquatch is down there already.

[------------->]

The gargantuan, orange-furred beast known as Sasquatch snarls and growls as the robot army attacks. His massive hands crush one metal cranium after another, and if his opponents had the faculties to do so, they would quake upon seeing the fearsome joy on his face.

He pauses briefly to look up as his teammates approach the battle scene.

SASQUATCH: Nice of you all to join in, Vindicator. Mind you, I could easily handle this lot myself...

PUCK: Leave some for me, Langkowski!

NORTHSTAR: I daresay there are plenty for all.

VINDICATOR: But this makes no sense...why amass a robot army to attack a small clinic?

PUCK: Why not ask the freak with the megaphone, eh?

VINDICATOR: What's that he's got on his...is that a ham on his hand?

PUCK: Well, I'll be...it IS a ham! It looks like a honeybaked ham; ten, maybe twelve pounds...

AURORA: But why would he carry a ham...

VINDICATOR: Wait...wait...he's not carrying it. His hand...

PUCK: Good Lord, he has a fist made out of HAM!

[------------->]

The impressive, ham-fisted man with the megaphone, ignoring the destruction of his robots, addresses the crowd passionately...

HAMFIST: GOOD PEOPLE OF CANADA! I come hear today to denounce a grave evil amongst us! An evil so grave that it must be rooted out and DESTROYED!

TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #1: Well, even thought he's a lunatic with a fist made out of ham, I'm willing to listen to his grievances.

TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #2: The ham somehow makes his message more compelling, that's for sure.

HAMFIST: This...'clinic'...fosters and supports and nurtures the greatest threat to our society and way of life that our proud nation has ever faced!

TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #1: Hey, Mr. Supervillain! Tell us what this horrible threat is so that we can form an angry mob!

Still locked in furious battle with the dwindling robot army, the members of Alpha Flight manage to carry on a normal conversation, which is pretty damn stupid when you think about it...

VINDICATOR: I don't like this...he's got those people ready to riot...

SASQUATCH: We have the lamest villains ever.

HAMFIST: Yes, good people, listen and listen well to me, for my hand is made of pork and is double-smoked! This clinic harbors those deviants engaged in the more heinous, un-natural act of all: BISEXUALITY! *

* Meaning responsive to both sexes, effendi!


      — Sensuous Stan

TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #1-1000: **gasp!**

HAMFIST: Yes, BISEXUALITY! That most hideous of perversities! That most indecisive of fetishes! You might say, "Oh, but aren't bisexuals really harmless? They're like kittens, right? All fluffy and adorable? Well, that just what they want you to think!

HAMFIST: THINK! Would you want a person who can lie down and "make out" with men AND women to wash your car? Would you want one of these 'people' to deliver your mail? Why at this very moment, they could be dating your daughter AND son and subjecting them to the bisexualist agenda!

TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #1: Wow...I never thought about it that way...Stinkin' bisexuals takin' all our jobs!

TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #2: Yeah, lousy bisexuals always drinking milk straight from the carton! Since a Bisexual restaurant opened up in our town, all our cats have been disappearing! I say we burn 'em all, eh? Burn 'em!

TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #1: You ever seen a bisexual try to drive? They got their blinker on all the time! And they hate soap!

TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #3: I think I heard once that Gavin MacCloud was a stinkin' bisexual!

TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #1: Burn Gavin MacCloud!

Suddenly, and a bit conveniently, dozens of the crowd have torches, and a couple have crowbars or something...to be honest, I haven't really thought this through ...

VINDICATOR: Aurora, call Shaman and Snowbird...we need all the manpower we can get to get rid of this hate-monger and disperse the crowd without injury.

PUCK: Now, wait, Heather...maybe the guy with the fist made of ham has a point...I never trusted them bisexuals, to be honest. They dress and think and talk differently from us, and thus they make me uncomfortable, revealing my human side and causing friction within the team, which will probably lead to a personal revelation and regret about how blind I've been.

SASQUATCH Enough talk! I'm taking this creep out!

[------------->]

Amidst the yelling mob, two mighty warriors fiercely battle, giving no quarter at all, not even a tiny bit. Not even a smidge of quarter. One is armed with claws and teeth and massive biceps, and the other wields a deadly ham...

HAMFIST: Unhh! Why do you do this, Sasquatch? You're a hero, a real man's man, the kind of guy that likes one gender exclusively! How could you battle my mighty ham fist, merely to protect a group of stinking BISEXUALS?

SASQUATCH: Oooof! For your information, you petty bigot...I am a bisexual!

HAMFIST: WHA....?

ALPHA FLIGHT: WHA...?

EVERYONE: WHA...?

PUCK: What a shocking revelation! This forces me to re-examine my values, as predicted earlier!

VINDICATOR: I, too, find my very sense of self shocked by this shocking revelation!

CROWD: We, also, are shocked! Some of us, additionally, are stunned, but on the whole, we are more shocked than stunned by a factor of three to one, I'd estimate!

HAMFIST: Your courage and shocking revelation has given me the strength to admit that I hate bisexuals because I secretly fear that I am one, Sasquatch. **sob!**

TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #1: Me, too!

TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #2:: This is the case with myself as well!

TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #1: Let's all understand each other!

VINDICATOR: **weep! sob!** Oh, when will we stop this foolish hatred and persecution of people who enjoy sexual congress with both their own and the opposite genders, perhaps with the use of gadgets and scented oils?

SASQUATCH: I don't know, Heather. I just. Don't. KNOW.

THE BEGINNING?




THANKS: To Rob Harris, who is always a great help, and to Matt Fraction, Patrick Keller, and Lea Hernandez. Remember, hatred is bad. Get hate-free today!

Love,

Gail

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You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

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