You'll All Be Sorry: Disclaimer

Wed, May 30th, 2001 at 12:00am PDT

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor

[Comic Book Buzzline 10

SECRET PLANS FOR FEMALE COUP OF COMICS INDUSTRY REVEALED

-- "Marvel Hung" Imprint Rumors Confirmed --

SWISS ALPS

A recently discovered set of allegedly secret documents has set the world of comic books aflame, with accusations and denials coming from top flight creators of both genders. The documents reportedly detail a top secret meeting in an elaborate conspiracy for female domination of the entire industry.

Though the clever use of code names for the partipants in the meeting makes positive identification impossible, Buzzline asked several respected female creators if they had knowledge of the documents.

Colleen (A Distant Soil) Doran replied, "It's a hoax. Yes, a hoax. It's a hoax, is what it is. It is a hoax. H. O. A. X., hoax. It's a hoax. Yep, it sure is a hoax. Let's talk about something else. It's a hoax, though."

Lea (RUMBLE GIRLS) Hernandez had this to say, "Hoax. Best to stop thinking about it right away, because it's probably; no, it's definitely a hoax. Gimme an H, Gimme an O..."

An excerpt of the minutes of the secret meeting is quoted below:

COLLEEN X: So, we're a bit behind schedule, but it's nothing we can't make up..

HEIDI X: And the target date for total control of the industry is...?

JEN X: Still in effect. October 15th, 2004.

HEIDI X: Excellent. How is Project: Nutty Pig proceeding?

LEA X: Exactly as planned. Dave Sim now thinks the micro-transmitters we had surgically implanted in his aural canals are divinely inspired voices .

GAIL X: (Laughter) We made up this absurd bit about the feminist/homosexualist axis and he bought the whole thing. (Laughter)

LEA X: It's a riot. I just made up that void stuff on the spot.(Laughter)

ALL: (Laughter)

HEIDI X: (Laughter) So, the only man clever enough to figure out our plans is effectively discredited. Excellent.

BARBARA X: As planned, I've bookmarked several porn sites on my colleagues' computers and their production has slowed to a standstill.

CHYNNA X: Madame Chairman, may I have the floor? Thank you. Well, I just wanted to question again the wisdom of the Supreme Directive...

ALL: (Assorted angry declarations of protest)

HEIDI X: We're all aware of your misplaced sentiment here, Comrade ...

CHYNNA X: Forgive me, Madam Chairman, but...my editors are really quite supportive, and I am actually friends with several male creators. Must they all be killed?

HEIDI X: Mercy is for the weak. All must be exterminated. Now, who wants scones?

ALL: Mmmm! Scones!

GAIL X: And tea! And cakes!

LEA X: What a jolly coup this shall be!

TODD MCFARLANE COPYRIGHTS NEIL GAIMAN'S NAME, LIKENESS

-- "Neener Neener," Exclaims Creator of Spawn, Overtkill --

ARIZONA

[GAIMAN]In a surprise announcement Saturday morning, controversial Spawn creator and Little Nicky toy manufacturer Todd McFarlane revealed that he had purchased the copyright and trademark to the name and likeness of fan-favorite writer, Neil Gaiman.

The writer formerly known as Neil Gaiman, from his home in Vermont, had this to say-- "Well, I must say I was quite surprised. Apparently, I'm not allowed to write or conduct business affairs under my former name. I also have a court order to get plastic surgery. And, perhaps most disturbingly, I'm to fight Spawn in issue #115.

"This certainly isn't the Todd I once respected. First he generously said he'd give me the rights to my first name if I signed over the rights to all my novels. But when I did that, he just sent me a refrigerator magnet of the letter 'N.' I'm not sure what he's trying to say," added the writer, who is in the process of legally changing his name to "Roy Shakespeare."

Responding to harsh criticism of the move on the Spawn.com message boards, Todd responded (using his nom de internet, 'SecretSquirrel), "Don't believe everything you hear just because someone has incontrovertible proof. Maybe there's a possibility that there's another side of the story that I just haven't thought up yet, did you ever think of that? It's his word against mine, and I have a cool message board. I'm not saying a word, except that Roy Shakespeare's pants are on fire.

Secret Squirrel continued, "It distresses me when the fan press prints the truthful words of my enemies, without printing my side, even though I've refused to respond except in this baffling non-denial. I'd just like to point out here that anyone wearing dark sunglasses and a leather jacket will be sued, which is how it ought to be, anyway."

When asked about the morality of copyrighting another creator's life, Todd responded, " The early bird eats worms. If his name was so important to him, he should have copyrighted it himself. Finders, Keepers-- Losers, something. I don't remember."

ISSUE OF PROMETHEA DECLARED 'DIFFICULT TO FOLLOW'

-- Some Fans Pretend To Understand Deep Significance --

THE INTERNET

[PROMETHEA]Critically-acclaimed fan-favorite writer Alan Moore made a rare internet appearance over the weekend to respond to the flood of reader requests for clarification of the plotline of issue fifteen of Promethea, perhaps the best regarded of the author's ABC line of comics.

"Look, it's perfectly simple," the author posted through a net-savvy intermediary. "Sophie is traveling through the Immateria with Barbara, a previous manifestation of Promethea, and Hoppy Farrand, a black spectral hare imbued with the sub-literal dominance of Sanskrit verb forms. She of course traverses the land of the Om Dum Durgayei Namaha mantra, which is a light blue-to-green spectrum with clocks turning into chimpanzees falling diagonally upwards in defiance of gravity and a guy who looks like Captain Marvel (the Shazam one) getting a bare-bottom spanking from a swordfish. Her circulatory system is revealed to mimic a chapter-by-chapter breakdown of the Bhaghavad-Gita if the pages are held just so and laid end to end, and this stunning revelation causes her to sleep with a wrinkled older writer fellow with a wild beard. Who looks like me. The end."

One fan, Staciaschoice, asked, "But why does she get sliced into pieces when she walks through the Island of Dnalsi, and how can the slices move around and talk, and why does the slice with her vagina have wings, and how does the ghost of Ghandi put her back together and why is he wearing a novelty arrow through his head?"

"It's symbolic," quipped the author, who then noticed his toe and wrote an opera.

"Ah, I see," claimed a still-baffled Staciaschoice.

NEWS IN BRIEF

WOLVERINE'S ORIGIN TO BE REVEALED

-- "Turns Out He's Just A Hairy French Dude," Says Quesada --

LUKE CAGE'S 'POWER ROD' MUCH SMALLER THAN EXPECTED

-- Marvel Mature Imprint Full Of Surprises, Say Fans --

'@*%$!' REVEALED TO BE ACTUAL CURSE WORD

-- "@*%$ing Mother@*%$er!" Say Adorable Gen-13 Kids; Garth Ennis Slated To Create '@*%$!face' Character --

JEPH LOEB/TIM SALE TO DO BATMAN: THE LONG ARBOR DAY

-- Acclaimed Duo To Ask, "Who Is The Dutch Elm Killer?" --

NEWSARAMA TO MOVE TO HUSTLER.COM

-- "No Way Is THIS Site Folding," Claims a Jubilant Mike Doran --

WRITER X REVEALED TO BE SPEED WRITER'S BROTHER

-- "Musn't Let Speed Know I'm Secretly His Brother!" Says Scribe In Mask, Barely Moving His Lips At All --

POWERPUFF GIRLS ACTUALLY CREEPY

-- "They Suffer From Dwarfism, Sub-Dactylism, and Megabig-Eye Disorder," Says Proud Dad --




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You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

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