You'll All Be Sorry: Disclaimer

Tue, June 26th, 2001 at 12:00am PDT

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Gail Simone, Guest Contributor

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[Comic Book Buzzline 10]

MARVEL TO LAUNCH NEW 'MARVEL MAX for KIDS!' LINE

-- "These Are Grown-Up Characters That Are Kid-Friendly!" Says E.I.C. --

[OK 4 KIDS]NEW YORK

In a surprise move, Marvel Comics announced a new addition to their burgeoning list of imprints, 'Marvel MAX for kids!' during their regular conference call to various fan journalists.

Editor In Chief Joe Quesada explains, "These are characters that came from our main Marvel Universe line, re-invented for adults only through our MAX line, yet, more friendly to children than our Ultimate line. It fills a need for children aged five to seven and a half who crave sanitized versions of adult versions of our beloved characters. We're truly excited about this line, and we think kids will be, too!"

First up from MARVEL MAX for KIDS! is:

  • LI'L ALIAS! (Exact title to be determined)

    W/BENDIS


    A/DeCARLO

    Li'l Alias, a self-hating former Amazing Friend of Spidey, plays 'doctor' with Lucas Cage, Jr. in a scene guaranteed to cause hilarity and hate mail!

  • OWIE-LOK & PALS!

    (Creative Team TBA)

    Owie-Lok, the squirtgun-packin', Bubble Yum-chewin', rollerbladin', differently-abled cyborg fights the vast, spirit-crushing governmental military conspiracy and teaches about kite safety in this gritty yet life-affirming title!

  • ALMOST NIGHT-TIME NURSIE!

    W/VIRTUAL UNKNOWN


    A/SHAW

    Cute Lizzie Harrod discusses the importance of washing up to avoid bad cooties and sex 'fections, like g'rrhea and sif...siph...syf...that OTHER one! Kids needed in the comics reading room, STAT!

  • HOWARD THE SHY DUCKY!

    W/?


    A/BARKS, JR.

    Howard the Shy Ducky has lots of grand adventures with his best friend Beverly and doesn't sleep with her hardly at all! Quack YOU, says Howard!

  • BLACK WIDOW & THE RAINBOW ESPIONAGE GANG!

    W/RUCKA


    A/BAGGE

    Join Natasha, her talking pig Elliot, and her club of teen friends as they have exciting travel stories from all the globe! You'll uncover confidential secrets and learn how to sell them to hostile nations! You'll learn that sex is a weapon, and that caring is FUN!

  • SAFE-T BLADE!

    W/ANDREYKO


    A/WRIGHTSON

    Four-issue mini-series showing that it's not 'cool' to need stitches!

    "TOMB RAIDER" SAVES WORLD FROM BAD CGI CREATURES

    -- "Thank God Lara Was Able To Defeat Them Computer Monkeys!" Says Fan --

    [TOMB RAIDER]HOLLYWOOD

    Theater-goers around the world were mildly thrilled and vaguely relieved as Lara Croft, the character played by well-known actress Angelina Jolie, was able to defeat several different breeds of poorly-imagined and unrealistically-animated computer graphic perils when the long awaited video-game adaptation, TOMB RAIDER opened in wide distribution last week.

    "Whew, Angelina! Y'all had best watcher haid er them computer-generated monkey men thangs'll kill yas fer SURE!" said one unwashed cinema patron, who sat RIGHT GODDAMN NEXT to me and talked the whole time.

    His inbred cousin across the aisle later added, "Oh, lookie, lookie! Them horrifyin' and fake lookin'computer-generated gargoyle-type creatures is a'gonna get us ALL!"

    High praise, indeed, and welcome words to Jolie, who underwent a grueling schedule to play the popular video game character in her bigscreen debut. "Yes, I did all my own stunts. I began a year before filming, studying up to twenty-two hours a day; kickboxing, gunfighting, acrobatics, weight training. I broke eight bones intentionally. I slept with a baboon in preparation for this film. I hit myself with bricks in the face. I've never had to show this sort of commitment before. But I think it paid off, because, in the film, I really look like the sort of woman who could defeat a clumsily-designed and horridly unbelievable CGI robot."

    "LOOK OUT, Lara Croft," yelled a drooling homeless man who somehow wandered into the cinema while I watched the film. " That big swirly crazy CGI effect shows the awesome majesty of time and space! Or it would if it weren't so obviously crappy CGI!"

    Jolie responded, "I actually skinned and ate a man, so that when people saw me onscreen, they'd say, 'That's Lara Croft!'...Plus, aside from that one act of cannibalism, I ate nothing but mud so I'd look convincing on the Taco Bell cup."

    Veteran actor, and Jolie's father, John Voight, had this to say, "It was hard on Angelina, having to act in front of nothing but a blank blue screen. Fortunately, that blank blue screen was a lot more terrifying than the truly awful CGI effects, of course. Now get me to Taco Bell. I'm looking for the gamepiece that has the other half of an entertainment center on it."

    "I trained so hard...I even ate a big bowl of worms," said Jolie.

    "No one asked her to eat worms, is the weird thing," replied the director, Simon West

    BILLY URGED NOT TO BE A HERO

    -- "Don't Be A Fool With Your Life," Warns Young and Lovely Fiancee --

    MAIN STREET

    As the Soldier Blues fell in behind the marching band, witnesses at the scene reported seeing young Billy waiting to go and join the line. Eyewitness testimony to the following events differed somewhat on detail, but it is generally agreed that Billy's unnamed fiancee was crying, her head upon his shoulder.

    This reporter is able to confirm that through her tears, she was able to strongly request that Billy not be a hero, nor should he be foolish with his life, as this would have a detrimental effect on her plans for future matrimony. Additionally, she was heard to proffer the safety advice that Billy should keep his head low, to which it is believed Billy was to have readily agreed.

    It's here that the story takes a dark and unexpected turn, as the Soldier Blues, now including Billy, were trapped on a hillside with a battle raging all around. The Soldier Blues' field commander, an as-yet-unidentified Sergeant, stressed the urgency of the mission, stating, "We got to hang on, boys. We got to hold this piece of ground. I need a volunteer to ride up and bring us back some extra men."

    Billy's best friend, who wishes to remain anonymous, says that, despite his fiancee's pleading, Billy's hand was, "up in a moment."

    Reports of the fiancee's having received a letter telling how Billy died that day have been confirmed. The letter went on to claim that Billy was a hero, and that she should be proud he died that way.

    Sources close to the fiancee's family report that she threw the letter away, although the fiancee herself was unavailable for further comment.

    JIM BALENT STUDIOS TO RELEASE "BOOBULA AND THE TITULONS"

    -- "Who Did We Think We Were Kidding, Anyway?" Says Staffer --

    [BOOBULA]BRODHEDSVILLE, PA

    Jim Balent, former long-time penciller of DC Comics' CATWOMAN, as well as creator of the popular character TAROT for his own Broadsword Comics, has announced a new project, focusing on the great, heaving, perfectly circular breasts that have been featured so prominently in his previous work.

    "This is really the culmination of all I've learned in the past regarding anatomy and how unimportant it is," said the artist, who then wiped his chin.

    He continued, "Boobula isn't just about breasts--no, that's not true. She really is just about breasts. Not the Titulons, though. Well, okay, maybe the Titulons. But certainly, Hooterania, the mythical land where her castle resides, that's not just about breasts, I swear..."

    "Okay, it is. But the book is so much more than that. Like, the bolas she uses, the Golden Knockers, they're called....okay, that's a bad example. She's got a dog, that's really fun to draw and her name is Juggsy...no, no, no, forget about the dog. All right, I'll give you the dog. BUT! She also has this fiendish arch-nemesis, Mindy Melons--"

    "Crap. Okay, look. Seriously. This book is NOT simply about breasts. It's NOT. Okay, it is." admitted the defeated Balent, remembering a happier time when he was pre-lingual.

    NEWS IN BRIEF

    JOHN WOO TO PRODUCE NEW TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES FILM

    -- David Mamet Answers Unspoken Challenge With Wuzzles Stageplay --

    WRITER CLAIMS NOT TO READ MESSAGE BOARDS

    -- Is Lying --

    PEBBLES TO JOIN CAST OF "CHARMED"

    -- "We Don't Know What We're Doing," Cry Producers --

    HUMORIST WISHES SHE'D THOUGHT OF DIE-CUT ELEKTRA GAG

    -- "Stupid PopImage, Anyway," Grumbles Simone --

    G.I. JOE, TRANSFORMERS RETURN

    -- Regular Nerds Mock So-Called 'UBER-Nerds' --




  • Thanks to Lea Hernandez and James Lucas Jones for laugh testing!

    Be sure to visit Jim Balent's site at jimbalentstudios.com.

    More KILLER PRINCESSES Sneak Peekery at onipress.com/exclusives.shtml

    Go see Lea's art and my talking letters!

    Love,

    Gail

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