You'll All Be Sorry: Disclaimer

Tue, July 3rd, 2001 at 12:00am PDT

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor

[Wizard]

FROM THE TOP

Well, 1939 was sure swell, wasn't it, kids? And it looks like things are only going to get sweller in the next few years, with more full-color comics featuring more thrills, more laffs, and more neatness than ever before!

So of course, I thought, how can I make a buck out of this? And that's why you've got this magazine in your hands right now! We think it's aces!

Now, there are some nay-sayers out there who say the popularity of comics magazines can't last. They point out that the last issue of Action Comics sold a paltry four million copies, forgetting to take into account that the popular hero also has a new magazine called, SUPERMAN, naturally! We say, nuts to them!

In fact, comics magazines, with their decent wholesome sense of fun, are popular with both parents' groups and witch-hunting psychologists, so let's all go down to the newsstand and pick up several! Girls love them, too, so why not read them together with your best gal?

In this first issue, we have the "Wizard Top Four," which will be a list of the four most popular writers and artists just as soon as at least four of them get credit for their work, a keen story about what would happen if Superman and Batman actually met, and bringing up the rear, "Is Robin Really A Sissy?"

Heh. I said, "rear."

[Garfield Shamus]


*NEWS!* NEWS!*NEWS!*

SUPERMAN TO FIGHT COMPLETELY NEW MAD SCIENTIST!

CAPTAIN MARVEL TO DISCOVER G*D D*MN MARVEL COUSIN!

WONDER WOMAN NOT INVENTED YET, SAY DISPLEASED LESBIANS!

GERMAN "FUNNY FUHRER" ENJOYS COMICS, INVADING!

BILL FINGER PAINTS FENCE, BOB KANE TAKES CREDIT!

JAPANESE VOW REVENGE ON U.S. FOR PORTRAYAL IN COMICS!

SIEGEL AND SHUSTER TRADE SUPERMAN FOR BUFFET LUNCH!

DOCTOR FATE EASY TO DRAW, SAYS FACE-HATING ARTIST!

FOX AND CROW TO WED, RELIGIOUS LEADERS ENRAGED!


LAST MAN STANDING

Comic Battles You Never Thought You'd See!

SUPERMAN

VS.

SLAM BRADLEY

The tale of the tape:

SUPERMAN SLAM BRADLEY
5'10" HEIGHT 6'0"
195 WEIGHT 185
YES INVULNERABLE NO
FEW FACIAL FEATURES NO
LINES EYES LINES WITH DOTS

Now HERE'S a championship bout worth seeing!

Superman; strange and powerful visitor from another planet, vs. Slam Bradley; two-fisted, pipe-smoking private detective! Here's how it might go--

Superman, on the trail of a mad scientist bent on creating an army of robot airplanes to rule the world, mistakes Slam Bradley for one of his foe's crazed henchmen. Slam punches Superman in the face, breaking his hand. Superman merely laughs! Slam pulls his gat and fires three shots right at Superman's chest, but Superman just grins and says, "Keep firing, that sort of tickles, buddy!"

A now terrified Slam Bradley turns to run in horror, but Superman leaps an eighth of a mile and arrives at Slam's car well in advance of the shocked and weeping Bradley! Slam cries and prays to Heaven for salvation from the inexplicably bizarre being with the hideous super-powers, but it is to no avail, as Superman leaps, carrying the now nearly-catatonic Bradley onto some nearby train tracks...Bradley wets himself as Superman removes some abandoned track and ties it in a knot around the drooling and raving Bradley!

Later, Bradley is left cold, forgotten and with sodden trousers, still utterly defeated and bound by solid metal, as Superman makes a quick change to his Clark Kent guise in time to hear what a pathetic, repugnant non-male he is from that castrating b*tch Lois Lane. Slam tries to chew through his own tongue to escape the nightmare that his life has become, but fails, leaving the broken and tortured man to wail piteously in the night, remembering the awful alien creature that haunts his every remaining memory!

WINNER: SUPERMAN!


WIZARD'S HOT (And NOT!) LIST
(As Compiled By Your Football Coach)

WHAT'S HOT: Powerfully-muscled dominant men in tights!


WHAT'S NOT: Explaining why to your dad!

WHAT'S HOT: Women who viciously insult the hero in his civilian identity!


WHAT'S NOT: Self-analysis!

WHAT'S HOT: Superheroes with half-naked boy sidekicks!


WHAT'S NOT: That uncomfortable feeling they give you!

WHAT'S HOT: Heroes with a special hideout, where no one can see them!


WHAT'S NOT: Dressing in pink and calling yourself, "The FLAMER!"

WHAT'S HOT: Heroes who scorn the women who throw themselves at them!


WHAT'S NOT: Long baths!

WHAT'S HOT: Grunting and hitting burly men, and leaping like a gazelle!


WHAT'S NOT: Sodomy!



WIZARD COMIC BOOK PRICE GUIDE

Hey, fellers!

Don't throw those old comics away! Yes sir, that tattered copy of Action #1 could be worth big ! Don't believe me? Why, just point your peepers at this price list, showing the going rates for the most popular comics magazines, as traded on street corners and Young Men's Christian Associations all over the U.S. of A!

ACTION COMICS #1 (First Appearance of Tex Thompson, Superman) 5
ACTION COMICS #1-20 4
ALL-AMERICAN COMICS (ALL) 3
BATMAN COMICS #1 4
DETECTIVE COMICS (ALL) 3
THE RED WET CLOT #1 2
THE GREEN T'MATER #1 2
HEROES OF THE MINOR LEAGUES 4
LESS FUN COMICS #1-12 2
MORE OR LESS FUN COMICS #1-8 3
MORE FUN COMICS (ALL) 2
MUNKEY FUNNIN' WITH DERBY O'DIGGLE 1
"PEP" COMICS, FEATURING PEPPER PEPPY PEP & POP! 2
POW BANG SMASH CRASH WHAM COMICS! 3
PURITAN VALUES COMICS 0
SNAP PUDDING PRESENTS THE MIRACLE OF PUDDING 2
TONGA, THE TOP-HEAVY JUNGLE QUEEN (headlights) 35 (plus a slingshot, a steely marble, and this bone I found that looks like it came from a guy's finger, NO FOOLIN'!)
WHIZ COMICS #2-13 4
WHIZ AH THAT'S A RELIEF COMICS 0


NEXT MONTH IN WIZARD:

  • Why Are The Racks So Full Of Dumb Girl Comics? They Should All Be Cancelled And Girls Should Go Away And All I Need Is My Pals Forever

  • It Would Be Neat If The Heroes Fought Each Other, But That Is Impossible

  • Hot New Collectible Squashed Bottle Cap Price List

  • If Only Comics Could Be More Expensive and Have Shiny Covers--Gosh! That Would Be A Peach!

  • Should Doiby Dickles Get His Own Comics Magazine?

  • How To Smoke Cigarettes And Look Mature

  • How To Set Yourself On Fire Like Heroic Human Torch

  • I Bet The Flash Smells Nice

  • Superman Should Crush Lois Lane's Skull And Live At The Circus




Thanks to Mark Waid for the swell cover image. Jeepers, keep 'em flyin', Mr. Waid!

And go check out the wildest Killer Princess strip yet at:

onipress.com/exclusives.shtml

Love,

Gail

Discuss this column on the You'll All Be Sorry! Message Board.





All characters are ™ & their respective owners. All Rights Reserved.

You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

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