You'll All Be Sorry: Disclaimer

Tue, July 10th, 2001 at 12:00am PDT

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor

[New Comics Day]

The scene is a typical comics store in Everytown, USA. Three impatient young customers are waiting at the counter, much to the annoyance of the shopkeeper, who pretends to be busier than he actually is...

DALE: Hey, is that the UPS guy?

SHOPKEEPER: No. I told you. He usually gets here around 2:30, all right?

FRED: And that's when new comics come in, right?

SHOPKEEPER: I'm not answering that again.

DALE: It's okay, man. Fred's good. He's just excited.

FRED: It's X-Men week!

JORDAN: X-Men is for kids.

FRED: *snort!* Yeah, right.

DALE: So, he should be here in, like, what...ten minutes?

SHOPKEEPER: ...

FRED: Does he ever come early? I think I heard he came early once.

JORDAN: Calm down, guys. He'll be here soon.

DALE: Yeah. Yeah.

FRED: Can we just really quickly look through the box when he drops it off?

SHOPKEEPER: I have to do the count, and fill subscribers' orders first, then you can look at them on the stands. I've told you this over and over...

FRED: It's X-Men week. I like Cyclops best.

JORDAN: I don't care about any of them.

DALE: Oh, I don't know...Rogue is pretty hot.

JORDAN: Plhbbbbbbbblt! Rogue isn't hot at all. She's ice, ice baby. Now, Zatanna...her I'd bone!

DALE: Oh, yeah, Zatanna's bone-able. "Enob ym barg," I'd say to her.

FRED: You're telling me you wouldn't bone Rogue?

JORDAN: Does Rogue have fishnet stockings?

FRED: I don't think so...

JORDAN: I'm sorry, she's off my bone list, then. She is sadly unworthy of my bone.

DALE: What about the She-Hulk? She's bone-worthy, right?

JORDAN: Maybe if she were in fishnets. Then she could be bone-a-fide.

FRED: Or leg warmers. I'd bone her in leg warmers. She's bonebait in leg warmers.

JORDAN: She-Hulk in fishnets. She's a mean, green, boning machine.

DALE: Hey, what about Wonder Woman?

JORDAN: Ah, the classics. She's from Para-bone Island. She's in for a beaucoup of bone. She's a Bone-azon.

DALE: She could lasso my bone any day!

FRED: What about Storm?

JORDAN: Mohawk, or no mohawk?

FRED: No mohawk.

DALE: Ultimate or Marvel Universe?

FRED: Uh...Marvel Universe...

JORDAN: Black costume or white?

FRED: Black.

DALE AND JORDAN: BONE!

DALE: She's a bone and cheese sandwich on rye with extra bone and a side order of bone. Super-size that bone and give me a chocolate bone-shake to drink. She goes to Professor Bone's Academy of Boning.

JORDAN: She Ororo Bone-ro. She manipulates the weather, and is ALSO allowed to manipulate my bone!

DALE: She can ride the winds, AND, similarly, ride my bone, as well!

FRED: Oh, you know who's a real bone-trap? Starfire.

DALE: She's can unleash the power of the Star-bone.

JORDAN: She's my favorite member of the Bone Titans.

FRED: She'd be saying, "X'hal! More bone, please!" She'd say, "Titans Together! For BONE!"

JORDAN: Witchblade causes extreme bone-age, I admit. A bone-bag with a gun, I like I like...

DALE: Sara Bone-zini, master of the Witch-bone, now in Bone Cow Comics!

FRED: Betty and Veronica are hot...

DALE: ...?

FRED: I mean, Betty and Veronica live in Bone-dale and play in a band called the Bone-chies with a guy named Jugbone...

DALE: Eww!

JORDAN: Give it up, dude.

FRED: Sorry. I was kidding.

DALE: Sure you were.

JORDAN: Back to important matters...What about Black Canary and Oracle?

DALE: Tag team bone action-- Birds of Bone! They could go on a secret mission to find my bone!

JORDAN: The Wasp?

DALE: Mini-Bone!

JORDAN: Lady Death?

DALE: Milk-Bone!

FRED: My AUNT!

DALE: ...

JORDAN: ...Man, you are so close to ruining this conversation.

FRED: What? She's hot! Aunt bone! Yeah, my mom's sister, to the BONE! Bone in the Family! Romancing the Bone, starring my Aunt!

JORDAN: You be quiet for a minute. Let's continue.

DALE: Spider-Girl?

JORDAN: With great boning comes great responsibility for additional boning! Bitten by a radioactive bone, with the proportionate powers of my bone!

FRED: If only there was a way to put Cyclops' head on Mystique's body...

JORDAN: Okay, that's it.

DALE: You can't make any more suggestions.

An attractive college girl walks into the store...

REAL GIRL: Oh, hi! I was wondering...is there a public phone in here?

JORDAN: guh...kaaa....chuh...glllp...DALE: Duh, uh...um....uh...

JORDAN: ...can't...breathe...must not...pass out...or...throw up...

DALE: Um...duh...

FRED: It's X-Men week!

REAL GIRL: Um...I'll try the gyro place. Excuse me. Yikes.

The girl leaves...

DALE: That was totally a real girl.

JORDAN: I swallowed my gum. I think I'm having a coronary event.

FRED: Hey, it's almost time! I wonder if we can look in the box...




Thanks to Jonah Weiland for inspiration!

Check out www.onipress.com/exclusives.shtml for Gail and Lea's KILLER PRINCESSES!

Love,

Gail

Discuss this column on the You'll All Be Sorry! Message Board.





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You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

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