You'll All Be Sorry: Disclaimer

Tue, July 17th, 2001 at 12:00am PDT

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor

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[ComicCon International: San Diego]
SAN DIEGO COMIC CON INTERNATIONAL


REVISED PROGRAM SCHEDULE

DAY ONE

Thursday, July 19

1:00 SPOTLIGHT ON JOHN BUSCEMA -- Room 8

1:01 BRITISH WRITERS TO MOVE TO HARD LIQUOR -- Floor In Restroom

1:00 NEW PERSPECTIVES ON SUPERHEROES Includes extensive proctological slide show. Warning, not for those who dislike proctological photography -- By The Dumpster

1:15 SPOTLIGHT ON JOHN BUSCEMA REMOVED AT CREATOR'S REQUEST -- Room 8

1:30 THE CHANGING FACE OF COMICS JOURNALISM Panel Featuring Prominent Internet Comics Journalists. Preview Of This Event To Appear In Rich Johnston's Column, Like, Three Months Ago -- Room 9

2:00 JOE QUESADA AUTOGRAPH SESSION -- Room 6A

2:00 MARVEL COMICS-- THE BREVOORT BRIEFINGS One of Marvel's busiest editors announces upcoming nervous breakdown, Avengers spin-off -- Room 7A

2:00 DC COMICS PORTFOLIO REVIEW -- Room 12

2:02 UNTALENTED FAN OFFENDED, VOWS REVENGE -- Room 12

2:15 JOE QUESADA TO BE PETTED BY TOURISTS, DESPITE CLEARLY POSTED WARNINGS -- Room 6A

2:30 INSIDE EVERQUEST (HOW WE PUT CRACK ON YOUR HARD DRIVE) Note, first taste is free -- Room 4

2:30 JOE QUESADA SCHEDULED TO OVERTURN TABLE, LICK PRIVATES -- Room 6A

2:30 PANEL DISCUSSION ON PROMOTING MORE KIDS' COMICS -- Room 7C

2:30 BOOTH BUNNY HOT OIL RUBDOWN Additional Fee Required --Room 7D

2:30 SPOTLIGHT ON JOHN ROMITA, SENIOR Mark Evanier moderates discussion on how kids today got no respect and their music is lousy, you can't even understand what they're saying and the boys look like girls -- Room 8

2:30 INTRODUCTION TO 3D COMPUTER MODELING Traditional artists pray to Creator -- Room 13

2:30 SUBMISSIONS EDITOR HARASSMENT TO OFFICIALLY BEGIN -- All Rooms

2:47 FIRST SCHEDULED EARTHQUAKE Californians, drunken Brits scheduled to assist weeping out-of-towners -- All Rooms

2:48 LOCAL ATTENDEE TO LAUGH AT DEATH AND TAKE BETS ON RICHTER SCORE -- All Rooms

3:00 WILDSTORM EDITORIAL PRESENTATION Warning, presentation may be hideously, unbearably late, resolicited, and be late yet again. -- Rooms 1A/1B

3:00 THE GOLDEN AGE OF ANIMATION Kids baffled by unfamiliar wise-cracking rabbit and duck characters, puzzled over lack of trading card tie-in -- Room 6B

3:00 JOE QUESADA RAMPAGE SLATED -- Main Hall

3:00 DARK HORSE MANGA MANIA Warning, meeting will be in black and white with tiny lettering, Publisher may frighten small children -- Room 7A

3:00 BONGO COMICS PRESENTATION Industry's most gifted and beloved editors to present notion of substantial pay increases for female writers. Enthusiastic response from crowd expected -- Room 16A

3:00 PROFESSIONAL NETWORKING Odds of getting work, nookie hovering around 16%.

3:00 COMICS BUYER'S GUIDE 30th ANNIVERSARY Publisher expected to be shocked, quoted as saying, "What? We're still being published? Are you certain? Why didn't anyone tell me?" -- Room 9

3:30 MICHAEL LOVITZ: COMIC BOOK LAWYER NOTE: JOKE AWAITING CLEARANCE FROM LEGAL DEPT. -- Room 18

3:30 JOE QUESADA TO MAUL SCOUT TROOP Room 7D

3:30 COMICS WITH CLIFF'S NOTES? Highbrow intellectuals discuss potential of medium, confuse Wizard staffers -- Room 7B

4:00 ELVIRA: HAUNTED HILLS MOVIE PREMIERE Fans expected to line up to pretend enjoyment of film, stare at dirtypillows -- Room 6A

4:00 JOE QUESADA TO BE CORNERED BY PARK RANGERS, TAGGED WITH TRACKING DEVICE, TRANQUILIZED, SET FREE -- Room 8B

4:00 LOOK AT KEENSPOT Net comics company, inexplicably has no product by Warren Ellis scheduled -- Room 4

4:00 SHOP TALK WITH WILL EISNER Additional fee to lick boots, groveling still complimentary -- Room 7a

4:00 GIGGLING WITH SAILOR MOON-DRESSED FREAKS Men, women and children dressed as Sailor Moon giggle non-stop to cheers of non-Sailor-Moon-attired weirdos -- Room 8B

4:00 DC ROLE-PLAYING GAME DEMO Room officially chick-free for duration -- Room 19

4:00 NEW ART TECHNIQUES A discussion of new, high tech pencil erasers. I'm not making this up -- Room 8

4:00 THE CREATIVE TOOLBELT Potentially fascinating and inspiring discussion by noted comic strip artist and special effects art director, unfortunately scheduled same time as Vampirella Nipple Painting Giveaway -- Room 12

4:00 VAMPIRELLA NIPPLE PAINTING GIVEAWAY Come early--event expected to be quite popular despite lack of creative vision and compositional skills in featured artist's nipple paintings -- Room 8B

4:00 SEXUALITY AND POLITICS IN INTERNATIONAL COMICS Many foreign artists' names fun to say aloud -- Room 13

4:00 ANIMATION ROUNDTABLE Animation giants from the past and present discuss Michael Eisner's allegedly miniscule genitalia -- Room 16A

4:00 IMAGE COMICS Q&A Todd McFarlane issues blanket answer, "There are some questions, and people in the readership think they know, but they weren't there, and when people change their minds, it's what they do, and why can't I protect my family, and you don't know the facts, and I'm not going to say any more on the subject, except you can't know the whole story, and all I'm saying is that sometimes there's more to a question than can be explained by me in public, which I won't but you don't know and that's all I'm going to say, but people do change their minds, it's not unheard of, but I'm not saying anything but you don't know" even when people ask where the restrooms are -- Room 16B

4:08 SECOND EARTHQUAKE, MILD AFTERSHOCK EXPECTED -- All Rooms

4:09 ROOM 16A TO CAVE IN, CHEERFUL NON-WOUNDED LOCALS MOVE DISCUSSION -- Under Desks And In Doorways

4:30 NEWLY DOCILE JOE QUESADA TO REVEAL DETAILS OF CHILDREN'S LINE OF COMICS, SCRATCH BACK ON TREE -- Room 7D

4:30 FROM THE BIG SCREEN TO COMICS Creepy Actor Brent Spiner, famous for playing creepy robot on creepy spin-off show plugs creepy album of creepy show tunes, discusses movies or something -- 6B

4:30 DC COMICS: JUST IMAGINE with STAN LEE Beloved Stan "The Man" Lee discusses what motivated him to re-create DC's icons. Surprise! It was dollars -- Room 1a/1B

4:30 JOE QUESADA TO ROLL OVER, SLEEP, BE RELOCATED TO WILDERNESS LOCATION TO BREED WITH FERTILE FEMALE -- Wilderness

4:30 SPOTLIGHT ON BERNIE WRIGHTSON Acclaimed fan-favorite artist sick of questions about Swamp Thing, horror work. Talks instead about lollipops and pretty clouds that look like puppies in the sky -- Room 9

4:48 THIRD EARTHQUAKE, FIRST GODZILLA ATTACK SCHEDULED Locals brag about how much more devastating childhood Godzilla attack was in comparison -- All Rooms

5:00 FORRY ACKERMAN: AMAZING SURGERY STORIES SLIDES Slide show featuring details from recent gall bladder surgery, not for the timid -- Room 7A

5:00 STAR TREK: THE WRITERS Anyone wearing Spock ears and saying "Live Long and Prosper" is gonna get their ASS kicked, I kid you NOT -- 7B

5:00 FIRST MATING ATTEMPT LIKELY TO FAIL, JOE QUESADA SCHEDULED TO TRY AGAIN, CLAIM TO BE "IN GOOD SPIRITS" -- Wilderness

5:00 DARK HORSE PORTFOLIO REVIEW So many, many Predators -- Room 12

5:00 SELF-PUBLISHING 101 Following lead of Dave Sim, class on how to act like horse's ass -- Room 16B

5:00 COMIC-CON TALK BACK Self-moderated "quiet time" feedback session in dark lonely cubicles -- Dark Lonely Cubicle Room

5:13 MOTHRA TO PLACATE GODZILLA, CRISIS SLATED TO BE AVERTED Teeny singing twin girls in clamshell get Dark Horse contract -- All Rooms

5:30 LOCAL STUDENT FILM FESTIVAL The stars of tomorrow make the films they'll disavow later -- Room 4

5:30 TOONWRITING 101 Synonyms for boogers, farts, discussed -- 16A

6:00 GUY STILL TO WEAR SAILOR MOON OUTFIT Claim confusion over costume contest date -- Hallways, Security Cell

7:00 THEATER SHOWING: STAR TREK II Lucky fans can at last see film they have seen fifty times on cable, own on video, dvd . Girlfriends weep openly -- Room 2A

8:00 FRIENDS OF LULU No one actually named "Lulu" nominated for tenth straight year -- Room 9

8:00 BRITISH WRITER DRINKING PARTY ENDS, NEW BRITISH WRITER DRINKING PARTY BEGINS IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING -- Back Of Stolen Bus Accidentally Headed For Mexican Border

8:15 JOE QUESADA TO FEEL GROGGY, ODDLY CHEAP AFTER FOREST ENCOUNTER -- Wilderness (TENTATIVE)




Thanks to Joey Quesada for being such a good sport!

Also, please note that the San Diego Comic Con is actually a very cool event and any mockery by me is purely the raving of a diseased mind. Check out the ACTUAL schedule at www.comic-con.org

Have fun, fortunate conventioneers!

Love,

Gail

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