You'll All Be Sorry: Disclaimer

Tue, August 7th, 2001 at 12:00am PDT

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor

[Wizard 2039]
Wizard: 2039

AD-UCATION: This issue of Wizard, Cerebrospinal Fluid Uplink Edition, is brought to you by E.S.Pepsi, the Choice Of A New Generation Of Mind-Reading Uber-Teens With The Ability To Cause Violent Skull Explosions. WARNING: Do not drink E.S.Pepsi if you are prone to violent explosions of the skull. Expectant mothers should not drink E.S.Pepsi or handle the bottle as there is a slight chance of their unborn children becoming mentally superior brain carnivores in utero. In test cases, the most common side effects were nausea and violent explosions of the skull.

MANDATORY EDITORIAL SECTION Ver 49.001

Greetings and welcome to this glorious download of the only legal comics magazine left in the world! As is the custom, we are celebrating the one hundredth year of continuous publication, Hail Wizard! Oh, the good times we have had, have we not, citizens? That Wizard bunny also provided much merriment. That is, before he was revealed to be anti-progressive in his thinking. You will delete any pleasant memories of said bunny immediately.

Continuing on.

Many anti-progressive thinking individuals have declared that comics are a dying art. This is an untruth, and those who willfully continue to hold such an opinion against the Wizard-mandated allowances of free expression shall be punished. Comics are as viable a commercial product as ever. Wizard says so. Wizard is your friend. Commerce is the only truth. Art is a prison. All Hail Wizard!

Pardon me. I must feed my shrunken Gary Groth. Hello, shrunken Gary! How would you like a nice sardine? Oh, you wouldn't? I suppose you go hungry then. It is no concern of mine, you shrunken ex-publisher of a rival comics magazine. Just remember, I bought you, and I can crush you. What's that you say? You've changed your mind? Perhaps you'll eat the sardine? I thought so.

Oh, and we have some good news to report! In our glorious struggle to promote the comics industry that we have all been forced to love, mandatory subscription rates to Wizard have been trebled. Hail Wizard!

But there's more! For a glorious additional fee, all articles containing suggestively attired females now contain a WIZARD HOT LINK, which, when pressed, sends a micro-electrical charge directly into the sexual pleasure centers of the reader's hypothalamus. Boys from the ages of twelve to eighteen may apply for a bulk rate for this service. Females wishing to use this service report to my office for "deprogramming." Wear something leather and don't tell anyone where you're going.

Additionally, we are proud to announce the glorious purchase of the area surrounding our annual convention, which was formerly called Chicago. Hail Wizard!

Finally, it is my glorious duty to dispel an anti-progressive rumor that some wrong-thinking individuals have been spreading along the menta-net; namely, that I am not Gareb Shamus at all, but am in fact merely his mentally-enhanced bladder, the only organ left functioning after a life of mischief and debauchery. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am in fact his entire urinary tract.

HAIL WIZARD!

[Gareb Shamus' Urinary Tract]


OBSOLETE TERMINOLOGY

The following terms are no longer allowed. Delete them from your vocabulary centers at once.

"PRISTINE"....replace with "CREAMY"

"BLADDER (in ref. to Gareb Shamus only)"....replace with "URINARY TRACT"

"DESPOTIC (in ref. to G.S. Urinary Tract)"...replace with "BELOVED"

"EVIL (In ref. to Wizard only)" ...replace with "FUN"

"ALESSI" ... replace with "KING OF EUROPE"

That is all.


B-MAIL

Dear Wizard,

I am disgusted with AOL/Time/Warner/Burger King/Fed Ex/Columbia/Kid Rock/Holiday Inn/Universal/Sony/Nintendo/Budget Rent-a-Car/DC Comics' treatment of my favorite character, Superman.

Whenever sales show the slightest dip, they always pull out some gimmicky storyline, and expect we poor fans to buy up each download, at a cost of nearly nine thousand dollars apiece. Who does AOL/Time/Warner/Burger King/Fed Ex/Columbia/Kid Rock/Holiday Inn/Universal/Sony/Nintendo/Budget Rent-a-Car/DC Comics think they are? Counting the crossover downloads, my comics this month will cost nearly two hundred thousand dollars. And all I hear from them about it is how the price of cranial wetware is so expensive. I'm not stupid, AOL/Time/Warner/Burger King/Fed Ex/Columbia/Kid Rock/Holiday Inn/Universal/Sony/Nintendo/Budget Rent-a-Car/DC Comics!

Besides, we all know eventually Superman will grow his body back again, right? Am I right?

Keeblo Tolland V14ld, NOT a fan of the Spinal Cord of Steel!

[Superbrain]

Keeblo, you will be re-educated. Your anti-commercial thinking is very disloyal. Joy is an illusion. Hail Wizard!

Dear Wizard,

I did as you said and turned in my parents for not having their comics professionally graded by the Comics Guaranty Megalithic Corporation. The police came last night. I miss them. I'm afraid.

Suliman Juarez L231a, likes X-Force and Wrestling

Suliman, you are to be commended for your courageous actions. Although we cannot return your parents, turn to mental page 68 for an article on the return of GATE CRASHER that will no doubt cheer you up. This is not a request.

Dear Wizard

I have a copy of GATE CRASHER #3 in doubleplusgood condition. How much is it worth?

DipseyDawg J176v

It is beyond value.

And that is all the time we have today for b-mail. Since you expect to be amused by my commentary, I will provide you with a mirthful image. I am now sticking a banana up my ass.

JIM McLAUCHLINBOT 3000

Jim McLauchlinbot 3000 enjoys processing numerical code and displaying images on his forehead monitor. He does not enjoy pie per se, but understands that the word itself contains humorous connotations.


*NEWS*NEWS*NEWS*NEWS*

BATMAN TO COME OUT OF CLOSET............WITH FEMALE WOMAN!

BILL JEMAS GIVEN RECORD-BREAKING THIRD NOBEL PRIZE!

PAPER INVENTS "POW, BAM!" HEADLINE FOR COMICS ARTICLE!

NET-READY STUN-GUNS REDUCE TROLL BEHAVIOR BY 57%!

EDITOR NOT TRASHED! "HE'S GREAT!," SAYS WRITER!

SIMON AND SHUSTER REVIVED, VOW HOLY VENGEANCE ON ALL!

BATTLE CHASERS #10 SOLICITED!

NEW FAN BAFFLED BY SPEEDBALL CONTINUITY, SPIN-OFFS!


WIZARD TOP TEN WRITERS

  1. Grant Morrison

  2. Greg Ruckatron (shareware)

  3. Warren Ellis III

  4. Tanya Michael Bendis (post-operative)

  5. Mark Waid Mark IV

  6. Piddles, The Computer That Loves To Plot

  7. Grant Morrison (sponsored by XEROX)

  8. Mark Millar and Vestigial Radioactive Twin

  9. Alan Moore's Sentient Beard

  10. The Vertigo Communal Writer Being From Beyond The Stars

WIZARD TOP TEN ARTISTS

  1. Frank "BodyThief" Quitely

  2. The Kubert Gestalt

  3. George Perez' Currently Popular Swiper

  4. The Angry Spirit of John Byrne

  5. Cyborg Attack Jae Lee With Mega-Draw Action

  6. Microsoft Sienkiewicz Suite For Windows
  7. Frank Miller Artificially Intelligent Urn

  8. Adam "Please Let Me Die!" Hughes

  9. The Dali Neal Adams Lama

  10. Petrie Dish Romita Specimen


[Lady Death]

WIZARD PRICE GUIDE

FOR THE SAKE OF ORDER, ALL VINTAGE COMICS ARE PRICED AT $15,000 EACH, WITH THE FOLLOWING LIST OF EXCEPTIONS:

YOUNGBLOOD #1 .............................. $2.00


NEXT MONTH IN WIZARD:

  • PRETTY MUCH THE SAME!

HAIL WIZARD!




BIG FAT Yabs thanks to Lea Hernandez for the creepity sketch...you all underestimate her. Fear your foolishness, buy her books! Also check out divalea.net for more Lea goodness!

And huge thanks to Jonah for handling a bunch of design stuff brilliantly every week!

Love,

Gail

Discuss this column on the You'll All Be Sorry! Message Board.





All characters are ™ & their respective owners. All Rights Reserved.

You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

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