You'll All Be Sorry: Disclaimer

Tue, August 14th, 2001 at 12:00am PDT

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor

Tired of all those big, bulky comics taking up room in your closet? Well, we have just the thing for you!

[Reader's Digest Condensed Comics Classics]

BATMAN

BATMAN: My parents are dead.

ROBIN: The Joker is sure killing thousands of people each month, Batman!

BATMAN: My parents are dead.

JOKER, RIDDLER, PENGUIN, CATWOMAN: We're not silly anymore, again, by the way.

BATMAN: My parents are dead.

HUNTRESS, ROBIN, ALFRED, NIGHTWING: Shut up already! Life is a beautiful tapestry!

BATMAN: I'll be in the lab.

CEREBUS

CEREBUS: Cerebus is an earth-pig who loves Jaka.

JAKA: Ain't gonna happen.

CEREBUS: What if Cerebus was just to put his hand right he...

JAKA: No.

DAVE SIM: Gaahh! I almost thought about a vagina!

CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS

MULTIPLE EARTHS: blip!

READERS, FOR ALL ETERNITY: Whhhaaaaaaaaa???

DAREDEVIL

DAREDEVIL: I am a soul in torment!

BLACK WIDOW: Why? You're handsome, you have great powers, you're a successful and respected attorney, you have great friends, and chicks dig you!

DAREDEVIL: ...Shut up!

BULLSEYE: I just killed her with a spork!

DAREDEVIL: >wink!< Oh, no! That's >wink< HORRIBLE! >wink wink!< That's the tenth girlfriend >wink< you've killed!

DARK KNIGHT

BATMAN: Hurt. Others. Self.

OTHERS: OW!

BATMAN: OW!

A DISTANT SOIL

EVERYONE: Man, do we have awesome hair!

EVERYONE: It's so long and luxuriant!

EVERYONE: I never cut mine, how about you?

EVERYONE: Me, neither! We're drawn so great!

EVERYONE: Let's brush!

EVERYONE: And condition!

ELFQUEST

SKYWISE: I'm adorable.

REST OF CAST: We're ALL adorable!

READERS: Our stomachs hurt and our teeth ache!

KINGDOM COME

EVERYONE FROM EVERY COMIC: We're all in here!

EVERYONE FROM EVERY COMIC: With new suits, too!

OLD PREACHER GUY: The future is a pretty f'ed-up place, all right!

ALEX ROSS: This was a metaphor for something, I'm almost positive!

LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMAN

FAMOUS CHARACTERS OF ENGLISH FICTION: Wouldn't it be pleasant if there were a ripping tale of adventure where we were all to meet?

OBSCURE CHARACTERS OF ENGLISH FICTION: Us, too, please!

FAMOUS CHARACTERS OF ENGLISH FICTION: Blimey!

LOVE AND ROCKETS

MAGGIE: I do not know what is happening.

LUBA: But we are written and drawn brilliantly!

MAGGIE: This seems like a flashback. Is it a flashback?

LUBA: Babosas for sale!

MAGGIE: Who is this person who just walked in...have we skipped ahead or something?

MARVELS

PHIL SHELDON: I can see all these superheroes from the viewpoint of an ordinary man, thus re-affirming my own humanity!

GIANT-MAN: Hello, little fella!

SPIDER-MAN: I am now swinging by your window! Thwip!

PHIL SHELDON: I'm learning a lot about myself by observing these costumed freaks, for SURE! Like, I learned about...something...from...uh...Thor, I guess!

MIRACLEMAN

READERS: This is a great comic. It has brilliant innova...

TODD: Yoink!

PREACHER

CUSTER: Welp...time to take a dump!

REST OF CAST: Let's talk about your dump!

RUMBLE GIRLS

RAVEN: Oh, I killed my coach, I hate my job. Let's go to bed and then fight in big robots.

MALE READERS: This fulfills my long-desired need for Transformer porn!

SANDMAN

DREAM: i am pale as though i never see the sun and i wear dark clothing and i am wispy, wispy, wispy.

SANDMAN READERS: Us, too!

STRANGERS IN PARADISE

WOMEN: We like this book!

TERRY MOORE: I ain't stupid!

SUPERMAN

LOIS: Hey, Clark! I know you're Superman!

CLARK: I am not!

LOIS: Eeeek! A giant ape has me!

SUPERMAN: Not any more! Hey, I'm off to nobly make the ultimate sacrifice! I'm dead, urrrrrrrrgh. Now I'm okay, though!

LOIS: Let's marry to tie in with a cancelled tv show!

SUPERMAN: Great Rao!

SWAMP THING

SWAMP THING: I'm...a...big...ball...of...snot.

ABBY: I'm beautiful and I love you!

SWAMP THING: That...stretches....credibility.

TEFE: Sorry I killed all those people!

READERS: Now, who are you again?

TRANSMETROPOLITAN

SPIDER JERUSALEM: Goddammit! I can't tell if the light is green or red!

PASSERSBY: Take off those glasses!

SPIDER JERUSALEM: Oh, that's much better--Thanks very much!

PASSERSBY: Not at all!

POLITICIAN: My bowels are disrupted!

WARREN ELLIS: That's enough out of you!

ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN

SPIDER-MAN: Forget Chapter One, I beg of you!

READERS: We heartily agree!

WATCHMEN

A clock is falling and bean juice is on a smiley face. Repeat.

COMEDIAN: I'm FALLING! URRRRRRRRRRGH!

RORSHACH: Hurm!

SILK SPECTRE: There's a dead big telepathic octopus destroying the city!

NITE-OWL: The rich white guy did it, I bet!

SILK SPECTRE: Everything means more than one thing!

ALAN MOORE: Presto change-o! Alakazam!

X-MEN

X-MEN: We're rebels, AND our books are good again!

READERS: Skeptical utterances of disbelief!

X-MEN: It's true! Here is a certificate of authenticity of non-crapitude!

READERS: (skimming certificate's fine print) Is Halle Berry in the comics version of X-Men?

X-MEN: She is NOT!

READERS: HUZZAH!




THANKS to Matt Fraction for bent-up laff-testing, and Gail says, READ ALL THESE BOOKS! Except Todd's Miracleman!

Love,

Gail

Discuss this column on the You'll All Be Sorry! Message Board.





All characters are ™ & their respective owners. All Rights Reserved.

You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

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