You'll All Be Sorry: Disclaimer

Tue, August 21st, 2001 at 12:00am PDT

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor

[Comic Book Buzzline 11]

WEB COLUMN INEXPLICABLY MAKES MAN A GENIUS

-- "I Know Alan Moore For Sure!" Says R. Liefeld --

THE INTERNET

The already-crowded field of internet comic book columnists received a welcome addition several weeks ago, when cult favorite R. Liefeld began his weekly commentary, "ROBSERVATIONS," at the popular spinnerrack.com website.

Liefeld, famous as one of the founding members of Image and the creator of YOUNGBLOOD, had this to say in a recent phone interview, "It's a real real good column. I like it. I like to say things about stuff, and talk, you know, and use words and things. A lot of times I'll be thinking something, and I'll say, wow, I just blew my mind just then, I should have a place to keep thoughts and junk. So, that's a thing."

Or, as stated in his third column, "When one endeavors to elucubrate a particularly didactic composition, one must give due concern to all matters analytical, and not merely follow the radiance of the emotional muse, if one is to flavor even a soupon of worth with one's creative repast. When pondering, as is my wont, the rapidly deflating balloon that is the collective imagination of the day's "hot" "creators," I am reminded inexorably of the great Italian alto castrato, Giovanni Carestini, a favorite of Handel I hasten to add, who, upon seeing his musically-emaciated imitators, was moved to remark, 'L' oh, lo spreco!'

"Would that I could find such whimsy, but alas, I cannot."

When asked, by phone, if he derived satisfaction from his column, Liefeld was quick to respond, "....Dude! I got salsa all over my pants, man! Ugh. It's all drippy! This is gonna stain. Look at that. Gross. That is just...completely gross. I had to pick the green salsa, of course, and of course I squirted the packet too fast, man...gross."

BUZZLINE then asked Liefeld to clarify this quote on the economics of comics from his column, "if we are to make the supposition that the interest levels of a mainstream fan can be expressed as a graduated Bell Curve, with the peak interest level at variance case by case, then we see that abcission follows rapidly after the "average" reader's interest begins to decline, for reasons which can be expressed as mathematical probabilities, for the sake of this discussion, rough-hewn though they might be."

Liefeld responded with his characteristic wit, "I like to think up titles. ClapSquad! Amozenelle! Gunblow! KA-BLAMMO! The Cleft! Angelicalinalina! Splot-X! This isn't my shoe. All right, who switched shoes on me while I wasn't looking? Goddammit, this isn't funny any more! Where's my real shoe? Goddammit, WHERE'S MY REAL SHOE?!?!"

EXCLUSIVE EXCERPT OF UPCOMING KEVIN SMITH BOOK

--A BUZZLINE EXCLUSIVE!--

[SMITH]FROM THE SCRIPT OF THE UPCOMING BRAVE AND THE BOLD

PAGE FOUR, PANEL ONE: An abandoned warehouse, as the heroes finally meet...

RED TORNADO: You're a big fat pussy, Geo-Force. You burn my ass, sittin' there with your stupid dumbshit hair eatin' donuts like they were your mamma's stank...

GEO-FORCE: In my country, you're known for doing multiple robotic snowballs, Red Tornado, you whack-hole...You're the Snow-bot 2000. You're a reverse skizz Zamboni, man. You recycle.

DEMON: In shopping mall or bar unclean

Takes ETRIGAN to make this scene!

With fiendish pallor and breath eternal...

HAWKMAN: Let's get some CHICKEN from the COLONEL!

SILENT METAMORPHO: ...!

KISS TO APPEAR IN COMICS, MAKE CRAPPY ALBUMS

-- "You Wanted The Best, You Got Us, Instead" Says KISS --

CHICAGO

[KISS]Throngs of confused and easily-dazzled KISS fans all around the world were overjoyed at the breaking news that Dark Horse Comics plans a series of comics featuring the sagging, droopy and not-altogether interesting band of plucky seniors, KISS.

The band's most recognizable member, Gene Simmons, stressed that this was merely a diversion for the band, and that their main consumer product will continue to be lame music and KISS logo mirrors given away at the frog mallet booth at carnivals. "I love comics and all, but yeah, Paul, Ace and whoever that guy is in the cat make-up...our first love is always going to be shitty music."

When BUZZLINE asked a fan after the books were announced why he seemingly enjoyed the repetitive and painfully trite lyrics and creepily juvenile songs, he replied, "Hey, man, Kiss RULEZ! I'll tell you what, man, KISS NEVER SOLD OUT!"

When asked to reconcile his "never sold out" position with the band's attempt at a disco crossover, their feeble power ballad era, their Phantom of the Goddamn Theme Park telefilm, and their hundreds of shoddy KISS products, said fan again repeated his belief that KISS RULEZ.

But the final word on the subject, as always, belonged to Simmons, who held up an arthritic hand in what vaguely resembled his famed demon sign, and said, "I want to rock and roll all night, or at least part of the night, and then take a nap. " He then stuck his tongue out and waved it around as though we hadn't all seen it thousands of times, but the effect was somewhat lessened by the glob of plain oatmeal stuck on the end of it.

NEWS IN BRIEF

CONVENTION SEASON WINDING DOWN

-- "Goodbye, Old Friend," Says Huge Man To Lion-O Costume--

HUMOR COLUMNIST GETS DEADPOOL ASSIGNMENT

-- Is Far Too Bashful To Mention It, However --

TOM GREENE TO MAKE MORE MOVIES

-- No Relevance To Comics, It's Just Sad --

UNPOPULAR CHARACTERS DIE IN DC CROSSOVER

-- "Oh, God, Why? Why HALO?" Says Guy In PA --"

N'SYNC TO APPEAR IN WOLVERINE

-- "They Wouldn't Stop Squealing," Says Logan --

FREDDY PRINZE, JR. TO WRITE SPIDER-MAN

-- J. Michael Straczynski To Star In Delightful Coming-of-Age Romantic Comedy With Drew Barrymore --




Gail highly recommends HOPELESS SAVAGES from Oni Press. Get it get it get it!

Love,

Gail

Discuss this column on the You'll All Be Sorry! Message Board.





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You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

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