The Column: Issue #12

Fri, October 11th, 2002 at 12:00am PDT

Comic Books
Mark Millar, Columnist

COMICS: THE MOVIE

Hey, did you hear they're making a movie about the comic book industry? It's all very hush-hush, but I'm told an A-list writer is already attached and they're talking to a number of fancy, foreign-looking directors. The period they're covering is 2000-2002 and apparently we all have major dramatic roles. Now, before the casting directors get a chance to fuck this up, I thought it might be an idea to contribute a few ideas of my own.

Ladies and gentlemen: Comics the Movie…

SIMON LE BON as JOE QUESADA

He might be the world's biggest Beatles fan, but Joe wouldn't look out of place fronting eighties pop sensations DURAN DURAN at some future revival gig. The tan, the sultry expression and that immaculately coifed hair, darling! These two were just separated at birth.

[Joe Quesada]

PATRICK STEWART as BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS

Professor X? Spider-Jerusalem? Captain Picard? When it comes to playing bald, serious characters, it's clear that no-one can pull this off quite like the remarkable English actor Patrick Stewart.

[Brian Bendis]

FRED SAVAGE as BILL JEMAS

Something weird happens when Bill has his photograph taken. Although in his early fifties, he suddenly loses a few decades and looks like a sprightly eleven year old. Look at that Marvel publicity picture and you'll see a face which could easily be a fourth grade prankster grinning for the cameras. Who else could play the Marvel President, but … … from hit TV-show The Wonder Years.

[Bill Jemas]

EWAN McGREGOR as FRANK QUITELY

A half-starved Scottish fashion victim with an appetite for illegal substances? Ewan MacGregor pulled this off beautifully in Trainspotting and there's no reason he couldn't do it here again. Rumor has it that he's already started trying to get into character by pencilling a page a week. The movie's consultant has slammed this as 'way too fast.'

[Frank Quitely]

JONATHAN LIPNICKI as MARK WAID

Pint-sized Jonathan, most recently seen in Stuart Little 2, would be perfect as FF-scribe Waid. He might be a little younger, but this could be a kind of Ultimate Mark Waid.

[Mark Waid]

ERIC STOLTZ as RICH JOHNSTON

As you know, I'm just too, too nice to have picked Harry Knowles!

[Rich Johnston]

MORGAN FREEMAN as MIKE COTTON

There could be a few hurdles in the shape of age and ethnicity, but Freeman is one Hell of a good actor and, with a few voice lessons, would be a pretty inspired choice.

[Mike Cotton]

JON LOVITZ as STUART MOORE

Sure, Lovitz might have to lose a little weight and maybe work out a bit, but it`s a surefire winner in my book.

[Stuart Moore]

RAY LIOTTA as JIMMY PALMIOTTI

I'm too scared to give a smart-comment here because well, y'know… Jimmy's probably CONNECTED and all that, but you get what I mean, right?

[Jimmy Palmiotti]

PATRICK STEWART as BRIAN AZZARELLO

Professor X? Spider-Jerusalem? Captain Picard? When it comes to playing bald, serious characters, it's clear that no-one can pull this off quite like the remarkable English actor Patrick Stewart.

MICHAEL RICHARDS as TOM PEYER

Only Richards (Kramer from TV's Seinfeld) could pull off the insane slapstick routines of Punisher and Titans writer Tom Peyer so don't even BOTHER trying to come up with anyone else.

JIM CARREY as JOE CASEY

Carrey would do a great Scott Lobdell, but the rubber-faced funnyman would excel as California dude Joe Casey. I'd like to see him play this straight for a change and really get under Casey's skin. With the right script, this could be an Oscar-winning performance.

[Joe Casey]

FREDDIE MERCURY as JOE KELLY

The jaw, the hair, the passion for solid characterization and slinky, skin-tight outfits? It's a tragedy that Queen front-man Freddie Mercury died before production of this movie ever got underway because rumor has it the coveted part of Joe Kelly has now gone to

[Joe Kelly]

PATRICK STEWART as GRANT MORRISON

Professor X? Spider-Jerusalem? Captain Picard? When it comes to playing bald, serious characters, it's clear that no-one can pull this off quite like the remarkable English actor Patrick Stewart.

RICHARD THOMAS as JOHN CASSADAY

There's something kind of heart-warming and nostalgic about the middle-American face of artist John Cassaday. He makes me think of Norman Rockwell or maybe that Amish guy who got a kicking in Witness. Who else but wide-eyed John-Boy Walton could really fill those humble shoes?

[John Cassaday]

HUGH HEFNER as BRUCE JONES

The smile, the glass of champagne, the seductive look from across the room. No-one alive could play Bruce better than Mister Hugh Hefner.

JET LI as JIM LEE

Despite being the smallest of the Image founders, I've always kind of suspected that Jim could kick the asses of all those other guys if they were even in some kind of celebrity death-match situation. Big Silvestri would give him a run for his money, but I'm convinced Jim would be the overall winner. Hence, the casting of Jet Li. Fortunately, Jim maintains a pacifist code of ethics.

[Jim Lee]

ERIC ESTRADA as JOHN ROMITA JR

There's little doubt the ChiPs star could pull this off in his sleep. And, God knows, Estrada could use the work. Failing that, any porn-star could play JR JR.

JIMMY NAIL as GARTH ENNIS

"Why-aye, man. A pint of Guinness a book about soldiers killing guys and stuff, please." Who else but Jimmy Nail, English television star of both Auf Weidershen, Pet and detective series Spender could pull off a convincing performance of the tall Irishman.

[Jimmy Nail]

MARY-KATE and ASHLEY as ADAM and ANDY KUBERT

I know the Kuberts aren't twins, but it was either this or two of the Osmonds.

MICHAEL FLATELY as MARK MILLAR

As much as it pains me to say it, he'd probably pull this off with aplomb. I remember first hearing about the resemblance a couple of years ago when a friend told me that a girl in his office fancied me after seeing me in a newspaper. As I began to preen myself, the moment was spoiled forever when she said that I reminded her of (heterosexual) Riverdance man Michael Flatley.

[Michael Flatley]

STEPHEN FRY as BRYAN HITCH

Nuff Said.

PATRICK STEWART as JOHN NEY REIBER

Professor X? Spider-Jerusalem? Captain Picard? When it comes to playing bald, serious characters, it's clear that no-one can pull this off quite like the remarkable English actor Patrick Stewart.

AL PACINO as MARK ALESSI

I see Pacino reprising his role as Scarface for this performance. Picture Alessi having just killed Bill and Joe, drunk out of his mind and covered in blood as he looks up to see an airship passing overhead. THE INDUSTRY IS YOURS IF YOU WANT IT.

[Mark Alessi]

ELTON JOHN as GREG RUCKA

I don't know HOW I feel about my favourite crime writer ever since I noticed his startling resemblance to the dandy king of slow-ballads. Elton would certainly have to broaden his range to pull off the hard-bitten novelist or, perhaps, play him as more of a camp, music-loving musician.

[Greg Rucka]

JOHN TURTURRO as AXEL ALONSO

I heard he's already signed up for the part so there's no point really discussing this any further.

[Axel Alonzo]

MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY as WARREN ELLIS:

No, I don't mean the smug-looking McConoughy from such chick-flicks as The Wedding Planner and, erm, other stuff. I mean, the cigar-chompin', rather-manly McConoughy from this Summer's sleeper hit where he played the dragon-busting American marine in Reign of Fire.

[Warren Ellis]

NED FLANDERS as PAUL LEVITZ

Come on, who could pull off the conservative head honcho of D-diddly-C Comics better than The Simpsons' Ned Flanders?

STAN LEE as STAN LEE

It's actually kind of COMPULSORY that The Man plays himself in comic-book movies. Who am I to argue with that?

Visit Mark Millar on the Web at www.millarworld.biz.

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