The Column: Issue #12

He might be the world's biggest Beatles fan, but Joe wouldn't look out of place fronting eighties pop sensations DURAN DURAN at some future revival gig. The tan, the sultry expression and that immaculately coifed hair, darling! These two were just separated at birth.

A half-starved Scottish fashion victim with an appetite for illegal substances? Ewan MacGregor pulled this off beautifully in Trainspotting and there's no reason he couldn't do it here again. Rumor has it that he's already started trying to get into character by pencilling a page a week. The movie's consultant has slammed this as 'way too fast.'

Pint-sized Jonathan, most recently seen in Stuart Little 2, would be perfect as FF-scribe Waid. He might be a little younger, but this could be a kind of Ultimate Mark Waid.

As you know, I'm just too, too nice to have picked Harry Knowles!

There could be a few hurdles in the shape of age and ethnicity, but Freeman is one Hell of a good actor and, with a few voice lessons, would be a pretty inspired choice.

Sure, Lovitz might have to lose a little weight and maybe work out a bit, but it`s a surefire winner in my book.

I'm too scared to give a smart-comment here because well, y'know… Jimmy's probably CONNECTED and all that, but you get what I mean, right?

Carrey would do a great Scott Lobdell, but the rubber-faced funnyman would excel as California dude Joe Casey. I'd like to see him play this straight for a change and really get under Casey's skin. With the right script, this could be an Oscar-winning performance.

The jaw, the hair, the passion for solid characterization and slinky, skin-tight outfits? It's a tragedy that Queen front-man Freddie Mercury died before production of this movie ever got underway because rumor has it the coveted part of Joe Kelly has now gone to

There's something kind of heart-warming and nostalgic about the middle-American face of artist John Cassaday. He makes me think of Norman Rockwell or maybe that Amish guy who got a kicking in Witness. Who else but wide-eyed John-Boy Walton could really fill those humble shoes?

Despite being the smallest of the Image founders, I've always kind of suspected that Jim could kick the asses of all those other guys if they were even in some kind of celebrity death-match situation. Big Silvestri would give him a run for his money, but I'm convinced Jim would be the overall winner. Hence, the casting of Jet Li. Fortunately, Jim maintains a pacifist code of ethics.

"Why-aye, man. A pint of Guinness a book about soldiers killing guys and stuff, please." Who else but Jimmy Nail, English television star of both Auf Weidershen, Pet and detective series Spender could pull off a convincing performance of the tall Irishman.

As much as it pains me to say it, he'd probably pull this off with aplomb. I remember first hearing about the resemblance a couple of years ago when a friend told me that a girl in his office fancied me after seeing me in a newspaper. As I began to preen myself, the moment was spoiled forever when she said that I reminded her of (heterosexual) Riverdance man Michael Flatley.

I see Pacino reprising his role as Scarface for this performance. Picture Alessi having just killed Bill and Joe, drunk out of his mind and covered in blood as he looks up to see an airship passing overhead. THE INDUSTRY IS YOURS IF YOU WANT IT.

I don't know HOW I feel about my favourite crime writer ever since I noticed his startling resemblance to the dandy king of slow-ballads. Elton would certainly have to broaden his range to pull off the hard-bitten novelist or, perhaps, play him as more of a camp, music-loving musician.

I heard he's already signed up for the part so there's no point really discussing this any further.

No, I don't mean the smug-looking McConoughy from such chick-flicks as The Wedding Planner and, erm, other stuff. I mean, the cigar-chompin', rather-manly McConoughy from this Summer's sleeper hit where he played the dragon-busting American marine in Reign of Fire.