The Column: Issue #14

Fri, October 25th, 2002 at 12:00am PDT

Comic Books
Mark Millar, Columnist

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[Ouija]This wasn't a joke. This wasn't meant with any lack of respect for The King because I love Kirby like I love my right hand and what follows is an exact transcription of an event that happened at my house last weekend. Me, Bryan Hitch and a pal of mine called Mairsy got together with beer, wine (for Hitch the Bitch) and a Ouija board in an effort to contact the co-creator of the Marvel Universe and hear his thoughts on the industry at the moment. I made three audio-tapes of the entire evening and what follows is, I'm afraid, the highlights of hours and hours and hours of chat. We started off doing this expecting nothing and that's precisely what happened for the first two hours. The third hour, however, was another matter entirely. No kidding, folks. Everything you're about to read is one hundred per cent true.

Mark Millar: I watched Gladiator again the other night.

Bryan Hitch: Was it still the same ending?

MM: Yeah. I kept expecting Jesus to appear. I hate historical stuff that doesn't have Jesus in it.

John Mairs: Have you seen XXX yet?

MM: Yeah, me and Gill went to see that last week.

JM: What did you think?

MM: I loved it. It's funny, I saw the trailer with Red Dragon for XXX and for Bond and Bond just looked like a lot of old man wank compared to it. It's like seeing dinosaurs and people existing at the same time.

BH: Is Vin Deisel any good?

MM: He is. There's something about him that reminds me of Bendis kind of mixed with Joe Quesada in a strange way.

BH: It's probably what their child would look like if they ever conceived.

MM: I think you need to be having sex first to conceive.

BH: Speak for yourself.

JM: What was the action like?

MM: Really good. The whole shaved-head, tattoo, video-game, extreme-sports thing was a bit forced, but kind of endearing. It's going to be funny watching this in five years when that stuff is as old and embarrassing as Miami Vice suits and designer stubble.

(blah, blah, blah for twenty minutes where the only highlights are Hitch eating all the biscuits and being accused of being a fat bastard, Mairsy going for a piss and my brother in law showing up for a game of pool. He joins us for ten minutes and then heads home).

BH: Doesn't your wife mind us doing this in one of the rooms?

MM: Only when we end up in an Exorcist-style situation.

BH: Would you sacrifice yourself to get a spirit out of me like the Priest did at the end of the first movie?

MM: Probably not.

JM: I'd love to sacrifice somebody.

BH: What?

(blah, blah, blah for another hour. Again, the highlights are slightly pathetic, Gill asking us if anyone wants tea and toast, my cousin phoning up and being told that we're having a sance. I'm reminded that my favourite programme is on TV and I have to stick a tape in. Then it all gets interesting).

BH: Fuck. Did you feel that?

MM: That was you.

BH: No, I swear to Christ. That wasn't me.

MM: You're a fucking liar. You're pushing it.

JM: It's a waste of time if you're just taking the piss.

(scraping noise on tape as glass moves again)

MM: FUCK!

BH: I told you.

JM: Is there anyone there?

(glass moves to YES)

BH: Fuck. Who is it? Is that Jack Kirby?

(glass moves to NO)

MM: God, this is mad. Who are we talking to?

(glass spells out P-A-S-T-O-R)

BH: Who's Pastor?

MM: I don't know. We want to speak to Jack Kirby, Pastor. Can you get him for us?

(nothing for another twenty minutes and conversation becomes a little more excited. All three of us, in the space of ten minutes, need a piss. It's 1.30am by this point and everyone's getting tired. But then the glass moves again).

MM: FUCK!

BH: I don't like this. I don't think we should be doing this.

JM: It'll be okay. I've done this hundreds of times. It's just a laugh.

MM: Who's there?

(glass spells out R-O-Y)

BH: Jesus Christ. We've got Roy friggin' Thomas.

JM: Who's Roy Thomas?

BH: He used to work for Marvel.

MM: Roy Thomas isn't dead, you pair of tits. It must be someone else.

(glass spells out R-O-Z)

MM: I don't think it's Roy.

(glass spells out R-O-Z again)

BH: Oh fuck. It's Roz Kirby.

JM: Who's Roz Kirby?

MM: Jack Kirby's wife. Oh, fuck. What do we do now?

BH: Can we speak to JACK, Roz?

(glass moves to NO)

BH: Why not?

(glass spells out B-U-S-I)

MM: Is he busy?

(glass moves to YES)

BH: Jesus Christ.

MM: I wanted to ask Jack some questions, Roz. Will you answer them?

(glass moves to YES)

MM: Where will comics be in five years time?

(glass spells out E-F-R-E-Y-W-H-E-R-E)

What's going to happen at Marvel?

(glass spells out E-F-R-E-Y-W-H-E-R-E)

What's going to happen at DC?

(glass spells out C-H-A-I-N-G-E-S)

BH: Fuck, where's that piece of paper? What were the other questions?

MM: What does that Jack think of the Kirby clones? All the homages that get made to him by all the other creators? Does he realize how much of an impression he made?

(glass spells out W-A-S-T-E)

MM: What?

(garbled sound on tape)

MM: What does Jack think of all the Kirby clones? Does he like them?

(glass moves to no)

MM: Why not?

(Glass spells out B-E-E-U-S-E-L-F-S)

JM: What? What does that mean?

(Glass spells out B-E-E-U-S-E-L-F-S)

BH: Be yourselves. Is that what Jack's saying? That artists should be themselves.

(glass moves to YES)

BH: That it pisses him off seeing people do his style and not getting over him?

(sharp move to YES)

MM: Fuck. That nearly came right off the table.

JM: What else did you want to ask?

MM: Where is Jack? What's he busy DOING?

(glass spells out B-U-I-L-D-N-G)

BH: Building?

MM: Man, that's great. Building. Kirby's BUILDING something.

JM: What's he building?

(no answer)

MM: Is anybody there?

JM: Hello?

MM: I think they're away.

(excited exchanges for a few minutes until Hitch suddenly makes a very good point)

BH: Shit! Shouldn't we have asked something about God or something?

END

Visit Mark Millar on the Web at www.millarworld.biz.

THE COLUMN will be going on hiatus for the month of November to give Mark some time to concentrate on upcoming comics projects, but he and THE COLUMN will return in early December. Sign-up for the CBR Mailing List on the front page of this Web site to receive a note when THE COLUMN returns.

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