Pipeline: Pipeline, Crisis Special

Wed, December 2nd, 1998 at 12:00am PST

Comic Books
Augie De Blieck Jr., Columnist


NEWSFLASH: Release of DC's CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS deluxe hardcover reprint collection has been delayed for a period of 10 weeks, due to an error on one single solitary page.

Dollar to a donut Lobo is on that page. . .

Mark Waid and Grant Morrison are busy trying to explain how this only happened on Earth2 and that the hardcover compilation really did come out.

In light of this news, DC has changed its company motto to "DC: We Only Misprint the Best."

Other suggestions included:

* "DC: First, we Amalgamated the run into trash, now it's up to a full-scale Crisis!"

* "DC: We don't need to publish Groo! We make our own mulch!"

* "DC: We throw away better crap than Marvel could ever hope to successfully publish!"

* "Save the environment! Keep DC from attempting to print anything!"

Marvel couldn't be reached for comment, since they were too busy expertly publishing both X-MEN and UNCANNY X-MEN in the same week for the second month in a row.

When questioned about their publishing schedule, a high-level editor at Marvel said, "Schedule? What's that?" It should be noted, of course, that that editor is a relative rookie, having only been hired since the last change of Marvel management, roughly 20 minutes ago.

Said Marvel editor returned our phone call from Pipeline Central, but only because we accepted the charges. When he pointed out that he was "in the dark" on several other key Marvel matters, we believe he was speaking literally. Electricity usage is frowned upon at Marvel, after all.

It has also been suggested that DC's famed bullet logo is being revised to more accurately reflect the current mood at the Time Warner child's main offices. Included now on the bullet logo will match the ballistic markings from the barrel of the gun aimed at the printer. When reached for comment, a local mail carrier was said to be distraught of the news of the DC firings, particularly since he wasn't in on the gunplay.

Alex Ross and George Perez issued this joint statement, "I WORKED $&%^(&*#^ friggin' straight &^*%(& hours on that &*^%(*&^ cover to get it in on time, and now they pull the book because of one bloody page?!? ^&%(&*% 'em!"

Alex Ross was said to be plotting his revenge. He's taken a job at the local Canadian printing plant, hoping to be able to sabotage the print run on DC's KINGDOM event.

George Perez is said to be liking the odds of the Avengers over the Justice League in any potential company crossover project. Not that he's bitter or anything. After all, he's drawn every member ever associated with each team. DC wishes it to be noted, though, that it took him a full issue of Avengers to do so, while it only took 10

square feet for the JLA.

Perez and Ross then turned towards their next project: Covers for Marvel's planned SECRET WARS and INFINITY GUANTLET TPBs. They plan to have them done by the weekend.

Local comic shops which did receive the misprints planned on reselling them for big bucks as collector's items, until someone pointed out to them that it was already over-priced and under-desired. Under such fierce criticism, one comic shop started to reletter its copies, hoping to insult every ethnic minority by inserting racial slurs in place of other nouns.

Marvel wished to point out that they did it first, of course. Their press release was issued on four different letterheads. Reporters were told to "Collect all four!"

Two hours later, John Byrne rewrote those press releases to keep them in line with the New Marvel continuity.

Joe Kelly started to rewrite the press releases with Steven Seagle, but quickly left over creative differences.

DC released its own press release, as originally written by Mark Waid, Tom Peyer, Grant Morrison, and Mark Millar. Mike Carlin then nixed the pieces saying that Big Name Writers do not write press releases. Neither Dan Jurgens nor Jerry Ordway accepted Carlin's offer, then, to write the releases. So it was left to Ron Marz, who botched it so horribly, nobody could figure out what it meant. When reached for comment, Marz just commented that he transcribed a phone call from Grant Morrison, who gave him all the info.

The only legible thing from DC was that they figured after all the money they threw at WildStorm, this was but a drop in the tank.

Jim Lee had no comment. Well, he did, but that had a typo, and we were forced to delete every copy of that e-mail.


P.S. Yes, this is filled with WAY too many inside references or just plain obscure jokes. If you don't get them all, I'm not explaining them. I just feel better having gotten this out of my system. Thanks.

P.P.S. It has since been learned that DC did not trash the entire printing. Nope, they did something which will please the collectors even more: They've decided to print the page (which was actually MISSING, not misprinted) and "tip it in" to the book. In other words, CRISIS will be collected in a beautiful hardcover collection, but with one page sticking out. How incredibly asinine is this? To make it up to their dear readers, they're including a coupon for a free copy of a poster based on the cover to CRISIS #1. The purchaser must fill out the coupon and return it to their comics shop, wherein they'll get their poster within two weeks.

DC will use that demographic data you so happily provide in the hopes of getting ANYTHING out of your $100 investment in compiling a mailing list of certified fools, like myself, that'll buy anything no matter the cost or quality.

The person responsible for this should be fired. Directly after that, of course, I have no doubts that he'd find gainful employment at the White House in hiding and delaying documents. ("Mr. President! The missing files that were subpoenaed five weeks ago just showed up in the White House library! I'll tip those in with the rest of the report later. The Judiciary Committee will never notice.")

He's the kinda guy who puts together the Sunday papers and leaves out the sports page in the one you happen to pick up. Not to worry -- I'm sure the paper would happily tip it in next time, along with a coupon good for a free reprint of the front page in a couple of weeks.

You don't mind waiting, do you? Of course not. You're the schmuck who's getting his Christmas present 10 weeks late so that DC can stick a page in the middle of your book that they over-friggin-looked the first time.

Maybe Ted Turner is right. Maybe DC doesn't know how to tend to their properties. For heaven's sakes, it looks like their learning lessons from Gladstone, of all publishers! Should we be expecting a coverless reprinting of CRISIS next?

P.P.P.S. (Yes, this is getting ridiculous.) It turns out that "tipped-in" means glued-in, so the page won't be hanging loose. Also, the poster giveaway is of CRISIS #1, and not of the Perez/Ross cover.

And the editor did get fired.

Pipeline Home | Pipeline Archives