You'll All Be Sorry

Thu, April 17th, 2003 at 12:00am PDT

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor

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Note to readers:

Not too long before shutting down the subversive and evil You'll All Be Sorry column for good, sorta, I invited some of my favorite writers to condense their works into easy niblet-sized kernels. Well, no bad idea goes un-recycled, I always say, so here's more. LOTS more. You didn't ask, and baby, we're delivering! By no demand whatsoever, here's what you didn't request! Who says this isn't the (insert defunct company name, ie. Valiant) Age of Comics?

I suggest reading some, then taking a nap, then reading some more, then spending time with loved ones. Then and only then, return to read more.

Thanks to all the creators who participated! Most of you are very decent people, and the troubled ones were still on the best behavior that can be expected.

Also, to readers, buy these books, please!

Gail Simone, condensed as Gi Sne

[Reader's Digest Condensed Comics Classics]

A COMPLETE LOWLIFE by Ed Brubaker

TOMMY: Being young and depressed sure makes you fall in love sometimes.

FRIEND: Hey -- Can I fuck your girlfriend, or should we do some more drugs now?

ANCIENT JOE by Scott Morse

JOE: Hey, El Diablo, do you have my dead wife's soul down in Hell because I took your silver?

EL DIABLO: Quit bugging me. You're mean to me.

JOE: No, I'm not.

DARK HORSE PR PEOPLE: Hey, Scott, Publisher's Weekely gave you a starred review for this ANCIENT JOE thing...we were shocked!

SCOTT: Wow. Thanks for the tip off.

NEWSSTAND CLERK: That'll be eight bucks for your ONE COPY of Publisher's Weekly.

SCOTT'S WALLET: Holy sh*t.

AGENT X by Gail Simone

AGENT X: I don't know who I am, and I don't care!

OUTLAW: These are mostly silicone.

AGENT X: I couldn't tell, and I was REALLY LOOKING.

TASKMASTER: Hold still so I can stab you.

AGENT X: Massive sucking chest wound-a-mundo!

AUTOMATIC KAFKA by Joe Casey

THE WARNING: It's where you hang your hat...

HELEN OF TROY: I've spent hours sitting on my clothes dryer, trying to catch a tingle.

AUTOMATIC KAFKA: Can SOMEBODY tell me the goddamn secret?!

CONSTITUTION: God bless fucking America.

CHARLES BROWN: Good grief.

READERS: Huh?

BIGG TIME by Ty Templeton

STAVROS, THE INVISIBLE GUARDIAN ANGEL: Hey, Lester, why don't you pee against the subway's third rail?

LESTER, THE HOMELESS ACTOR: I think I'll pee against this third rail and see what happens....

SFX: KAAZZZAAT.

LESTER: Wow! I can see angels. Hey! That reminds me, I want to be famous.

STAVROS: Let me put on my gloves and anally probe a major Hollywood agent to get things started.

STIG: What the HELL am I doing in here?

GOD: (could not be reached for comment)

BLUE MONDAY by Chynna Clugston-Major

CHYNNA(Creator): Hey! I'm gonna wistfully relive my somewhat traumatic and painful high school career as if it was something for others to envy, but in the form of a comic book! Not only that, but I'm going to be another annoying so-called "Ameri-Manga Artist", but with an obvious anglophilic issue! I'm also going to swipe from Jaime Hernandez and Evan Dorkin and add a "soundtrack" to it, featuring New Wave, Punk, Ska and Mod bands (but the Mod stuff is my idea, I'm so original,) so I can seem "hip" and "underground"... That way people will think I'm cool, when in reality I'm a total weirdo-freak dork-bag with ADD!

JAMIE S. RICH (Editor): What are you talking about, doofus?

CHYNNA: .....

CHYNNA/2: Nothin'.

JAMIE S. RICH And what the hell is a dork-bag? You can't even insult yourself properly. That's it, I've decided. You're fired again! Goon.

CHYNNA: Shut up, ass! I hate you! Now I'm gonna draw little pictures of you in the margins of my comic book (whoever is going to publish it now that you've fired me again,) showing the world how bad you treat me alla time!

READERS: More Jamie! And when's he gonna beat that lazy Chynna chick up, anyway?! She needs a good smacking!

CAPTAIN MARVEL by Peter David

CAPTAIN MARVEL: Set-up.

RICK: Punchline.

MARLO: Zinger.

MARVEL COMICS: Let's get ready to ruuummmmmble!

RICK: What are you, nuts?

CAPTAIN MARVEL: Funny you should ask!

CATWOMAN by Ed Brubaker

SELINA: Christ, what happened to my boobs? They're TINY now. Guess I better quit being a thief and get back to my roots.

HOLLY: Oh my god, Selina, your tits are normal again. What happened?

SELINA: I don't know, I just got this new first issue and -- Hey, weren't you killed in Action Comics Weekly?

ED BRUBAKER: Whoops.

DEADPOOL by Buddy Scalera

MAN: I'm hiring you to kill someone.

DEADPOOL: Bang, he's dead! And, here's an pop culture joke.

READER: Joe Kelly was funnier.

FRIGHTENING CURVES by Antony Johnston

PHIL LONDON: Cor strike a light me cockney sparrer, I'm goin' barmy.

THE MAN WITH THE WRONG EYES: Boy, I'm evil. Really, really evil. Don't I look evil?

MYSTERIOUS INDIAN BLOKE[tm]: Indeed.

ZOMBIES: Braaaaaaains.

READER: You made this up as you went along, didn't you?

JOHNSTON: Shut up and look at all the research.

GET KRAVEN by Ron Zimmerman

KRAVEN: Everyone hates me and my writer takes it all personally and curses out fans on the internet sites because he's an immature, drunken, baby, but thanks to the Spider-Man movie i get my own mini series anyway even though this story has nothing to do with the spider-man universe!

FANS: WE HATE YOU! THIS IS THE WORST BOOK EVER WRITTEN!

KRAVEN: But you said you loved that show ACTION, and this has many of the same characters and the same writer. It's just a big satire of Hollywood.

FANS: SO WHAT? YOU'RE A NAME DROPPING JERK! YOU MUST HAVE TAPE OF QUESADA KILLING SOMEONE TO GET PUBLISHED!

AXEL ALONSO: There's some very funny stuff in this.

FAN: THEN YOU'RE AN IDIOT! OH GOD, IT'S TOO PAINFUL TO EVEN READ BUT IT'S REALLY FUN TO BASH THE CRAP OUT OF ALL OVER THE INTERNET!

GOTHAM CENTRAL by Ed Brubaker (also by Rucka and Lark)

COP1: Man, does Gotham City suck to work in, or what?

COP2: Completely, but Batman sucks way more.

BATMAN: Quit your whining.

COP2: See what I mean?

GOTHAM GIRLS by Paul D. Storrie

CATWOMAN: Woo hoo! I stole the experimental formula!

BATGIRL: You don't think I'm lettin' you get away with that?

POISON IVY: Give me that stuff. It's mine!

HARLEY QUINN: Who cares? I just wanna bop somebody with my big mallet!

RENEE MONTOYA: Sigh. Having masked crooks and crimefighters running around in Gotham makes my life so difficult. Bet Ed Brubaker and Greg Rucka will get a lot of attention doing a series about that. Anyway, you're under arrest.

CATWOMAN: Who me?

POISON IVY: I think she means me. I mean, I've got the vial, right?

BATGIRL: She certainly doesn't mean ME. We're on the same side.

MONTOYA: Sort of.

BATGIRL: What's THAT supposed to mean?

HARLEY QUINN: Oooo, I know! I'll threaten the cop with a rubber chicken and spout some smart stuff to prove how brainy I am!

EVERYONE ELSE: Huh? Free for all!!!!

MONTOYA: Batgirl, we got the vial!

BATGIRL: Off they go to jail!

BATMAN: So, anything exciting happen while I was gone?

MONTOYA & BATGIRL: Giggle.

HOPELESS SAVAGES by Jen Van Meter

ZERO: I make up words instead of swearing. It's cute.

TWITCH: I'm cool, beautiful and erudite. I have no need of your swearing.

ARSENAL: My urge to swear is repressed, causing me to be incredibly violent.

RAT: The demographic that feels validated by swearing in a comic book thinks Van Meter is lame anyway.

NIKKI: I gave up swearing back with quitting smoking and smack and booze.

DIRK: FUCK!!!! Why can't I fucking swear in my own fucking house? If you fucking lived here, you would fucking well be fucking swearing.

INCREDIBLE HULK by Peter David

HULK: Hulk is strongest one there is!

RICK: Dude!

MR FIXIT: I'm the sneakiest one there is.

RICK: Dude!

MERGED HULK: Actually, I'm the strongest and most erudite one there is.

BETTY: Dead.

JASON AND THE ARGOBOTS by J. Torres

JASON: Gasp! I found a giant robot buried in the desert!

PEOPLE: He found a giant robot buried in the desert!

JASON: Gasp! A giant rock monster type thing is destroying the city!

PEOPLE: Whew! He sees the giant rock monster type thing destroying the city!

JASON: Crush them now, giant ro-- I mean, go, go, Argobot! Save the city!

PEOPLE: Yay! The boy and his giant robot saved the city! Thank you, boy and giant robot!

JASON: You are welcome, people of the city!

PEOPLE: So, when can we meet Optimus Prime?

JINGLE BELLE by Paul Dini

JINGLE: What am I getting for Christmas this year?

SANTA CLAUS: Same thing you got last Christmas, a lump of coal.

JINGLE: Gee thanks, tubbo. (Lobs coal at Santa's head.)

SANTA CLAUS: Ow! It's going on five years already! Hasn't Dini milked this dysfunctional family business for all it's worth?

IDA RED (Enters with a couple of other scantily clad babes): He shore has, Santy. Why else would the witch, leopard-gal an' me be takin' up so much room in yore book? JINGLE: Aren't spin-offs grand?

JUDGE DREDD VS. ALIENS by John Wagner and Andy Diggle

JUDGE FODDER: Say, what's this mysterious, egg-shaped object... ?

JUDGE DREDD: Watch it, sunshine!

Mayhem ensues.

JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA by Mark Waid

CAPTION: It's the end of the world.

SUPERMAN: What's happening?

BATMAN: Let me explain.

PLASTIC MAN: Things are BAD!

FLASH: This desperate plan is our one chance!

WONDER WOMAN: Only the power of TOGETHERNESS can win the battle!

GREEN LANTERN: Everybody HUG!

NEXT MONTH: It's the end of the world.

JLA: THE OBSIDIAN AGE with love by Joe Kelly

FANS WHO LOVE TO SURF: Where is Aquaman?

DC DIRECT: "We need another toy and archive collection... Where is Aquaman?!

FANS WHO DON'T LIKE TO SWIM: Aquaman's missing?

TEMPEST: My bad... I tried to save Atlantis from a giant robot tyrant by using magic, but no one trusted me enough to tell me what the spell did. I am a poor magician. Someone please polish my trident?

SUDDENLY--!

An Indian and an Aztek almost kill the League! There is no cultural understanding here!

The League escape! As the baddies escape too-- Atlantis appears ABOVE the water in ruins!

Doc Brown flies up in a Delorian and tells the JLA they must go Forward to the Past! But How?

TEMPEST: I have a good idea... Let's try the same spell that I don't understand!

ZATANNA: You lost the League now too, Dufus.

TEMPEST: D'oh!

MEANWHILE--!

BATMAN: If we all die, I can finally create my own dark JLA! I WIN! Nyahh-Nyahh.

ATOM: Hell-loo? Never LEFT the team! Already a member, right here!

JASON BLOOD: I forgot more about magic than David Blaine will ever know. I am brooding and I keep the souls of murderers in my fireplace. Boo.

FIRESTORM: I know I've been a member for years... But I am in awe of the soft seats in the Watchtower. Wow.

MAJOR DISASTER: You like me... You really like me!

FAITH: You WILL like me... You really will... Please?

GREEN ARROW: New boobies to gawk at... Yay.

HAWKGIRL: What cartoon? I don't know what you're talking about. They picked me because I'm qualified.

NIGHTWING: I'll do my best to be half the bastard you were, Dad.

MEANWHILE-... 3000 YEARS AGO...

GAMEMNAE: Ah, good thing Atlantis was sent to the past and Aquaman told me all about his friends in the JLA so I could enslave his people and murder his friends with my own League of Ancients!

MANITOU RAVEN: Hmmmm... I am suspicious.

RAMA KHAN: I am noble! That's ironic!

OTHER ANCIENTS: Stuff to hit! Yay!

SUPERMAN: We can't punch anyone until we're sure we won't mess up the time stream. Doc Brown said so.

WONDER WOMAN: Hey, look! Aquaman is a big puddle! I always thought he was a sloppy kisser the one time he kissed me!

BATMAN: I have a fever and might die. Ow.

PLASTIC MAN: Sufferin' Sushi, there's all of the present day Atlanteans as slaves! Who wants Tuna?!

SUPERMAN: Okay, now we can hit someone hard.

GANEMNAE: Hey Ancients, those folks in costumes and masks are the "bad guys" I've been telling you about! How would you like to kill them for me?!

MANITOU RAVEN: Hmmmmm.....

The JLA and the Ancient League use fists for punching and philosophical debate on social morays! And they Kick too!

The JLA DIE and are put on spikes! There is a party!

MANITOU: Hmmmm....

MEANWHILE, in the PRESENT...

HAWKGIRL: Look! There's Superman's skeleton on Atlantis Island. What does that mean? A Super-Diet?

ZATANNA: A yucky thing has stuck it's hand in me and has made me a puppet! And I did not give permission!

NIGHTWING: Let's get that thing! It must be the thing that killed the League!

GREEN ARROW: Your breasts sag, lady!

OLD GANEMNAE: Ah-ha! I will eat you now! And I will hold all of the Earth's water hostage in my ample, albeit saggy bosom until Atlantis is the capitol of the Universe!

LEX LUTHOR: Drop an A-Bomb on them!

An A-Bomb explodes! The new JLA do not die because they are saved by the GHOST OF GREEN LANTERN! GL has been playing cards with the Indian for 3000 years. They have a very close but strictly platonic relationship, Kemosabe!

MANITOU: See, I was right to say 'Hmmmm.' That Gamemnae is bad news, and so I saved the souls of the JLA so they wouldn't really die, they'd only suffer a nightmarish excrutiating dismemberment at the hands of my friends. I feel better now.

NIGHTWING: Let's battle that saggy witch in the present AND the past and help Marty get his parents back together! maybe it'll help the JLA too.

SIMULTANEOUSLY--

YOUNG GAMEMNAE: Now that I whacked the League, I'm going to eat my friends and Atlantis will rule supreme! I'll start with Ram Khan because I love Middle Eastern food!

YOUNG MANITOU: I wish I had some allies to help... Green Lantern's Heart is getting my pouch sticky. Hey, heroes fromthe future. I hope that they don't bite.

FIRESTORM: I have a great idea! I'll save Aquaman by connecting his puddle to the ocean! This is logical!

AQUAMAN: Ah-ha! I used to be a puddle! Now I am the vengeful fury of the whole ocean! Did Wonder Woman really kiss Batman? Damn it...

OLD GAMEMNAE: C'mere, heroes! I need a snack!

OLD MANITOU: Inukchuk!

JOE KELLY: -- Schwingg-- Fans of the Superfriends: --Schwingg--

AQUAMAN: Because you savage Atlanteans and your evil witch of a leader kept my peeps enslaved for 15 years, I'm gonna bust a hard water cap in your aquaducts and sink Atlantis! Word to yo' Manta Ray.

OLD GAMEMNAE: Burrp-- Sorry, must be something I ate--

ETRIGAN THE DEMON: Me! See?

OLD MANITOU: Hmmmm... Time for me to make a final sacrifice since I did rip out GL's heart and cannot get to a stationery store for a "I'm sorry I ripped out your heart" greeting card...

YOUNG MANITOU: Hmmm... Looks like I need a new place to pitch my teepee. I hear the Apache are treated very well in the future and given casinos!

YOUNG AND OLD GEMAMNAE: Ouch! I am undone and my plans are foiled and I'm meltinggggggg.

Water returns to the people of the world. Owners of bath-houses, spas, and waterparks rejoice! Kids leave the tap running while brushing! Neighbors water their lawns on the wrong days!

OLD JLA: We're not dead no more! Thanks, Magic!

NEW JLA: They're not dead no more! Thanks-- Wait... We're out of a job.

Everyone hugs.

AQUAMAN: Thank you friends. You have saved me, my people, and Atlantis... Well, we sank Atlantis and everything I ever believed about my proud heritage turns out to be a bunch of lies, but I'm sure that won't be a problem... I'll catch you back at the Watchtower so we can dispense Justice and hit people hard!

ATLANTEANS: Thanks for saving us! We hate you Aquaman. Bleh.

JLA: Wow, what a crazy adventure... Hey, anyone see Aquaman?

FANS WHO HATE TO SURF: Aquaman was missing?

Inukchuk!

More Condensed Comics Classics next Thursday by Johns, Diggle, Morse, Staples, Templeton, Jemas, Palmiotti, Rucka, Zimmerman, Johnston, Marz, Joines, Wright, Taylor, Lash, Niles, Millar, Austen, McTigue, McKeever, Casey, Nicieza, Vaughn and S. Moore.




ED BRUBAKER is frankly too good a writer and nudist to affiliate with such a seedy column as this, but there you go. The recently Eisner-nominated writer of SLEEPER, GOTHAM CENTRAL, and CATWOMAN is also a pretty good guy, ask anyone.

Anything I say about SCOTT MORSE is just going to sound like butt-kissing, so I'm sticking with the fact that he's one of the creators whose work is an automatic pick-up for me, no questions asked. SOULWIND, VISITATIONS, VOLCANIC REVOLVER and MAGIC PICKLE are all from Oni Press and highly highly recommended.

GAIL SIMONE is as sweet as Tupelo honey, and is currently writing BIRDS OF PREY, ROSE AND THORN, multiple Simpsons comics, and other nudie literature.

Multi-talented JOE CASEY likes rock music and porn, or at least that's a thing I made up about him. When he's not playing in his band, THE SELLOUTS, he's writing ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN, WILDCATS VERSION 3.0, and AUTOMATIC KAFKA, among others. He's got MONOLITH from Ait/PlanetLar and BATMAN: TENSES coming soon, so buy buy buy! Full, naked details at www.manofaction.tv/casey/index.html.

TY TEMPLETON daily commits the sins of being both a HIPPIE and a CANADIAN, but bless his heart for writing the brilliant Vertigo graphic novel BIGG TIME, and the upcoming HUMAN DEFENSE LEAGUE. He's done some of the best Batman stories ever, and also the cult fave MAD DOG.

Here's a fact: CHYNNA CLUGSTON-MAJOR'S comics would be a great deal at many times the price. I've read a couple of the Blue Monday collections to near-tatters, and you will, too, if you buy 'em. Which you should. Full info on BLUE MONDAY and the upcoming SCOOTER GIRL (both from Oni), at onipress.com. Not a nudist, I'm told.

PETER DAVID has long been one of comics funniest and most versatile scribes and the mastermind behind a legendary run on THE INCREDIBLE HULK. He'll be writing a new series that DC is excited about called FALLEN ANGELS, starting in July, and a new T.M.N.T. series for Dreamwave. He's also somehow got the following novels coming out; a third 'Sir Apropos of Nothing' volume, two new STAR TREK: NEW FRONTIER novels in October and November, and the adaptation of the HULK film.

BUDDY SCALERA wrote one of my favorite issues of DEADPOOL, as well as the WEAPON X: SAURON special, and the very good book DECOY. He's recently produced a series of Cd-roms, "Visual Reference for Comic Artists. 500+ custom photos of models in dramatic superheroic poses specifically designed for the needs of comic artists. Plus, hundreds of shots of cities, subways, and other uniquely useful locations." He probably sneaked in some nipples. Purchase them at buddyscalera.com.

ANTONY JOHNSTON is the extremely talented writer of DANGEROUS CURVES, ROSEMARY'S BACKPACK, and a new fave of mine, THREE DAYS IN EUROPE. Upcoming books include, "THE COURTYARD and ANOTHER SUBURBAN ROMANCE from Avatar, and EMILY SPOOK and CLOSER still to come from Oni." Check Antony's hot fleshy website at www.mostlyblack.com

RON ZIMMERMAN is the living embodiment of all that is evil, according to some freak on a message board somewhere. Ron's written for SEVENTH HEAVEN, HOWARD STERN, and many other similarly-themed programs, and is currently developing a series for Disney. In comics, he's written the severely under-rated ULTIMATE ADVENTURES, as well as GET KRAVEN, RAWHIDE KID, and SPIDER-MAN: SWEET CHARITY. Even when he's DRESSED, he's naked.

PAUL D. STORRIE made a big splash with his fun, funky GOTHAM GIRLS mini, and his ROBYN of SHERWOOD titles. He's an innie. He's also got a cool shortie in the upcoming BIRDS OF PREY SECRET FILES.

I'm a big fan of JEN VAN METER's stuff, from the Blair Witch Chronicle books, to her recent Batman: Elseworlds book, and my fave, the excellent HOPELESS SAVAGES. It's as good as the hype, so you should get it. She's also got a couple major projects coming up...one called CINNAMON for DC and the other's a family addition, I think.

J. TORRES is the incredibly busy writer of ALISON DARE, JASON AND THE ARGOBOTS, and SIDEKICKS, all for Oni Press. Don't miss DAYS LIKE THESE, either, as it looks excellent. The full collected COPYBOOK TALES is also recommended. He's also recently done some nice Marvel work, including BLACK PANTHER and X-MEN: RONIN. Onipress.com

PAUL DINI is the guy with no pants who helped create the amazing Batman animated series, the huge-mongous DC special books with Alex Ross, and the very entertaining Jingle Belle and Mutant, Texas books from Oni Press. You must own these, or you're just wrong in all ways. Go to Jinglebelle.com for all sortsa exclusive fun items.

ANDY DIGGLE wrote the very entertaining LADY CONSTANTINE and JUDGE DREAD vs. ALIENS. He's also got SNOW/TIGER coming in April from 2000 AD, and THE LOSERS coming from Vertigo in June. Check out his website, which has no nude pictures of Aliens.

A couple weeks ago, I ate weird Mexican food at Disneyland. MARK WAID had a barbecue sandwich or something. It was pretty sloppy, and yet he got none on his shirt or pants. Oh, and also, he's revitalized so many books they think of him as a reverse-hitman. FLASH, KINGDOM COME, FANTASTIC FOUR, RUSE, EMPIRE, and too many more too list. Great writer, great friend, fastidious eater of BBQ.

JOE KELLY is, as many people wouldn't let me forget, the definitive Deadpool writer, as well as one of comics' funniest writers. He currently writes JUSTICE LEAGUE and ACTION, and also his condensed classic here, which is oddly longer than the average mini-series script, but worth it. Plus, he created Blind Al and Weasel! Check out all his good naked stuff at http://www.manofaction.tv/kelly/index.html.

Love,

Gail

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You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

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