You'll All Be Sorry

Thu, April 24th, 2003 at 12:00am PDT

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor

[Reader's Digest Condensed Comics Classics]

JSA by Geoff Johns

JAY GARRICK: Hawkman? I thought you were dead!

SENTINEL: I thought he was dead too.

HAWKMAN: I thought I was dead.

HAWKGIRL: I wish he was dead.

DOVE: I thought he was dead.

HAWKMAN: Dove? Aren't you dead?

DOVE: I was.

DR. FATE: So was I. I was dead. I came back.

RED BEE: Hey, guys.

JAY GARRICK: The Red Bee? I thought you were dead!

SENTINEL: I thought he was dead too...

LADY CONSTANTINE by Andy Diggle

BIGWIGS: Find this box! It's apocalyptic!

JOHANNA: Is it the Lost Ark?

BIGWIG: The course of history depends upon it!

JOHANNA: It's the Lost Ark, isn't it?

BIGWIG: We'll give you a title and a shitload of cash.

JOHANNA: I'm your gal!

Johanna tricks the Swamp Thing into helping her.

SWAMP THING: Why I oughtta--

JOHANNA: Ker-ching!

LENNY ZERO Andy Diggle

MAFIA DUDE: You betrayed me! Die, scum-sucker!

LENNY: I'm an undercover Judge! I can help you!

MAFIA DUDE: Er, okay... Lenny double-crosses him.

MAFIA DUDE: Aw rats! Shoulda seen that one comin'! Lenny double-crosses Justice Department.

JUSTICE DEPARTMENT: Aw rats! Shoulda seen that one comin'!

LENNY: Let's get outta here! Lenny's girlfriend double-crosses him.

LENNY: Aw rats! Shoulda seen that one comin'!

BOUNTY-HUNTER: You betrayed everyone! Die, scum-sucker!

Lenny makes a deal with the Bounty Hunter and double-crosses his buddies.

BUDDIES: Aw rats! Shoulda seen that one comin'!

JUDGE DREDD: Would somebody just shoot this creep already?

MAGIC PICKLE by Scott Morse

JO JO WIGMAN: So you're a superhero pickle, huh?

WEAPON KOSHER: Indeed.

JO JO WIGMAN: Huh.

DISNEY CHANNEL EXEC., Friday afternoon: We love it! Expect a deal memo first thing Monday!

DISNEY CHANNEL EXEC., first thing Monday: Umm, well...yeah. Sorry.

MY DOG: I'm hungry.

A FEW WEEKS LATER:

DISNEY CHANNEL EXEC., on Friday afternoon: This MAGIC PICKLE thing is great! We're gonna buy it. Really. Expect papers Monday.

DISNEY CHANNEL EXEC., Monday morning: Just kidding.

ONLINE COMIC REVIEW: This'd make a great cartoon!

MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE by Val Staples

SORCERESS: You must save Eternia! You must destroy this artifact!

HE-MAN: Lord of the Rings?

SKELETOR: Eternia will be mine!

MAN-AT-ARMS: You possess the greatest power on the planet.

HE-MAN: I'm half naked.

SKELETOR: Eternia will be mine!

ORKO: Anyone call for needless comic relief?

HE-MAN: Need I say furry underwear?

SKELETOR: Eternia will be mine!

THE NEW BATMAN ADVENTURES by Ty Templeton

TY: I'm baaa-aack.

THE ORIGIN BROTHERS Bill Jemas

DAWG: I look more like Wolverine than you do.

JAMES: But I just stabbed your father with my claws.

DAWG: He's really your father, bub

THE PRO by Jimmy Palmiotti (also Amanda Conner and Garth Ennis)

SUPERVILLAIN: Please don't hurt me...

THE PRO: that's 50 bucks extra...

QUEEN AND COUNTRY by Greg Rucka

TARA: Fuck. I just killed a man. I need a drink.

TOM: We're going to Afghanistan.

TARA: Fuck. I need a drink.

ED: I love you, Tara!

TARA: Fuck. Let's fuck, then drink.

ED: Are we serious?

TARA: Get out.

RAWHIDE KID--SLAP LEATHER by Ron Zimmerman

(The Rawhide kid enters the Marvel conference room. He is greeted by Jemas, Quesada, Alonso and Zimmerman. He's all smiles)

RAWHIDE KID: Hi Joe, Bill, Axel, my main man! (whispers to Jemas) Who's the greasy freak with the acne scars? Sweet Jesus in the mornin, on the creepy meter, Sterenko looked like Shania Twain compared to this guy.

BILL JEMAS: That's Ron Zimmerman, your new writer.

RAWHIDE KID: The writer? Whew, for a minute there I thought I was gonna have to talk to him. Anyway, nice to see you kids finally came to your senses and decided to give me my own book again.

I think people are ready to tear into an old fashioned western the way Stan and I used to make em! Lets talk concept. I say we pick up where we left off....

BILL JEMAS: Uh, kid .....

RAWHIDE KID: I see this as a very retro series. I already got big Johnny Severin back. Helluvaguy. now I'm thinkin maybe I get accused of a crime I didn't commit .....

JOE QUESADA: Uh kid ...

RAWHIDE KID: You're right. Lets not get bogged down in too much story yet. Lets talk leading ladies. I'm thinkin about a sort of Zeta-Jones meets Julia Roberts type. Long legs, red hair, maybe she was taken by Indians as a child and I .....

AXEL ALONSO: Uh, kid .....

RAWHIDE KID: What's with the faces? It's a western! I kick ass, take names and ride off with the lady. That's how it's done, fellas. This ain't Will and Grace, guys.

JOE QUESADA: Uh, kid ..... can i talk to you over hear for a sec ....

Joe takes the kid to the corner of the room)

RAWHIDE KID: I'M WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE RESISTANCE by Jimmy Palmiotti (also Justin Gray)

RESISTANCE: We hate the government, but like to blow things up

THE PEOPLE: We are sheep and will do whatever it takes to not cause trouble.

THE GOVERNMENT: Keep everyone in line, disarm the mermaids, and kill the resistance.

AGENT HICKS: My wife is a lesbian.

VERSION MARY: No man touches me.

TOMMY: I need a drink.

BRIAN: I need to get laid.

SERGIO: I need my arm back.

JUSTIN: We need more issues.

JIMMY: We need someone to buy this.

ROSEMARY'S BACKPACK by Antony Johnston

ROSE: I'm just a normal girl with no concept of street smarts. How can I ever save my talking backpack from the evil mad General? Hay-ulp!

PABLO: Look! Giant robots! With guns!

ROSE: Eat rapid-fire death, evil mad General!

EVIL MAD GENERAL: Aaargh.

PABLO: That was... Easier than I expected.

READER: Waitaminute, this is a kid's book! Eurgh, cooties!

SCION by Ron Marz

READERS: When did Green Lantern get blond hair and a sword?

7 GUYS OF JUSTICE by Brian Joines

LORD TALON: I'm stupid and hilarious!

CRITICS: For a Tick knockoff.

LORD TALON: I'm more like Adam West!

CRITICS: Suuuuurrrrre you are…

NIGHTIE KNIGHT: At least the book is funny.

UGLY MONKEY: Too bad the art was crap.

STORMWATCH: TEAM ACHILLES by Micah Wright

SANTINI: Look! A superfuck, a corporate CEO and a politician! Kill them! Team: Okay! SFX: Bang! Bang! Bang! Caption: The word "BANG" first appeared as a sound effect in a comic strip in 1921. It was used to accentuate the slapping of a cartoon cow with a plank by an angry farmer. By 1925 the word almost exclusively accompanied images of gunfire. So strong is this association that today gunfire is perceived by a reader even in the absence of a picture.

TEAM: Got 'em! Now what?

SANTINI: Let's kill some more!

Hmlinen: I am very ugly, if you please!

BONUS! An even SHORTER version!

SANTINI: Look! A superfuck, a corporate CEO and a politician! Kill them!

TEAM: Okay!

SFX: Bang! Bang! Bang!

SUPER HERO HAPPY HOUR by Dan Taylor

BARTENDER: Another round?

GUARDIAN: Sure. It's not like we have super hero stuff to do.

NIGHT RANGER: Why do it when we can just talk about it?

SCOUT: Yeah, that would involve an actual "story" and maybe a "plot".

GUARDIAN: Make it a double.

SUPERNATURAL LAW by Batton Lash

JUDGE: Ms. Wolff, I understand you will have a cyclops testifying today.

ALANNA WOLFF: Yes, your honor- he's the single eye witness to the accident.

CAPTION: Meanwhile, back at the office . . .

JEFF BYRD: Mavis, are there any messages?

MAVIS: Just this one from Seth Brundle- he stopped by and told me to give you this.

JEFF (reading): "Help me, help me". Hmmm- how'd he look?

MAVIS: Let's put it this way-- for The Fly, he wasn't looking too fly!

CAPTION: Next: A Ghost in Probate

30 DAYS OF NIGHT by Steve Niles

EBEN: It's cold.

STELLA: It's dark.

EBEN & STELLA: VAMPIRES!

VINCENTE: I'm going to suck your blood.

EBEN: Suck this.

fini

21 DOWN DOWN By Jimmy Palmiotti (also Justin Gray)

PRESTON: I have a year to live.

MICKEY: Then why are we talking? Lets screw!

PRESTON : Wait...I see visions. Something bad is going to happen.

MICKEY: Me too, its the jack Daniels.

PRESTON : I don't trust your motives.

PRESTON : This is an all ages book...we can't do this.

MICKEY : Would my daughter joining us help? She's 16.

PRESTON: Can I call my brother Robert in to lend a hand? He's got handcuffs.

MICKEY: The cop? Sure.

ULTIMATE ADVENTURES by Ron Zimmerman

HAWK-OWL: Batman and who? Well that just sounds like a big rip off of my books. hope Jay Leno gets here soon. Even comic fans won't be able to trash a story with Jay in it!

ULTIMATE AUNT MAY by Bill Jemas

AUNT MAY: We're having meatloaf.

PETER PARKER: Pizza

AUNT MAY: Meatloaf

PETER PARKER: Pizza

EDDIE BROCK: I'm gonna eat your brains.

AUNT MAY: Meatloaf.

THE ULTIMATES by Mark Millar

CAPT AMERICA : (empty balloon)

IRON MAN : (empty balloon)

THOR : (empty balloon)

THE WASP : (empty balloon)

NICK FURY : (empty balloon)

MARVEL COMICS : This issue of Condensed Classics has been re-solicited for April 23rd 2003

UNCANNY X-MEN by Chuck Austen

ANOTHER DAY IN THE INFIRMARY

STACY X (To ARCHANGEL): I want to have sex with you.

ARCHANGEL: I can't have sex with you. I love a dead girl.

ANNIE (To Havok): I love you, even though you're a mental vegetable.

ALEX (To no one): Mgggnnnwwooop.

STACY X (To Nightcrawler): I want to have sex with you.

NIGHTCRAWLER: I'm a priest, one of the few who actually doesn't have sex. My vows are sacred.

STACY X: I STILL want to have sex with you.

NIGHTCRAWLER: I'll quit the priesthood. Wait here.

Nightcrawler exits.

STACY X (To WARCHANGEL): I want to have sex with you.

ARCHANGEL: I told you, I love ...

Husk bounds in, braless.

ARCHANGEL (To Husk): Hey, baby. What's new with you?

HUSK: (Giggles)

STACY X: I'm leaving.

Stacy X exits.

ALEX: I'M AWAKE!

ANNIE: My God! You're not a mental vegetable! Now you can love me!

Polaris enters, braless.

POLARIS (To Havok): Hey stranger.

ALEX (To Polaris): Mgggnnnwwooop.

Alex leaves with Polaris. Annie cries.

Nightcrawler returns, without pants.

NIGHTCRAWLER: Okay, I gave my notice. Anyone seen Stacy?

Juggernaut enters.

JUGGERNAUT: Anyone want to play some ball?

NEXT ISSUE: FINALLY, SOME ACTION!

Maybe.

VAMPIRELLA by Maureen McTigue

EDITOR: Evil walks the earth, and the only thing to combat that evil is one born of the same flesh. So ventures... Vampirella!

READERS: Yeah, pretty red costume, uh-huh...

VAMPIRELLA: Hey, buddy, my eyes are up here!

VOLCANIC REVOLVER by Scott Morse

VINCENZO: I'm a baker, I make'a dough. I gotta counterfeit press...it makes'a dough, too. Hah!

JACK: That Irish guy over there said I have to kill you because they're trying to take over your counterfeiting business.

VINCENZO: It'sa OK. Gimme the gun.

(Hugs)

ROSSO BROS: bang bang rattattattatt click click bang bang click click thuk.

MOVIE PRODUCER: Hey, let's do this! We'll shoot it in Montreal, but since it's a Canadian production, you can only write OR direct, not write AND direct. What'll it be, hotshot?

SCOTT: Ummm...jeez, lemme think...

THE WAITING PLACE by Sean McKeever

JEFFRY: I hate this town.

LORA: Me too. Wanna screw?

JILL: My boyfriend yelled at me...I'm gonna go slit my wrists now.

SCOTT: Oh, no! A drive-by shooting! In a town of less than a thousand! How very deus ex machina!

JEFFRY: Did I mention I hate this town?

SCOTT: Not as much as I do. And, no, I'm not the writer despite our many similarities, so quit asking him. I mean me. I mean--

LORA: Will we ever stop moping?

SCOTT: Maybe. I think life's finally picking up for me. I stopped drinking, I'm miraculously and suddenly over my ex-girlfriend's senseless death, and NOW--

WRITER: Ahahahahaha! Take THAT, ya whiney fatso!

SCOTT: I hate my life. I want to die.

CULLEN: Look! I'm black!

WILDCATS VERSION 3.0 by Joe Casey

JACK MARLOWE: I just bought the planet Earth.

GRIFTER: Where's my fuckin' gun?!

WAX: Did you know Steve Case was born in Honolulu on August 21, 1958? He was the third of four children. Now get me my blue suit.

AGENT ORANGE:

JACK MARLOWE: Just a moment.

JACK MARLOWE: Just a moment.

JACK MARLOWE: I just bought the universe.

X-CREMENT by Fabian Nicieza

PROFESSOR X: I suffer! I feel guilt and remorse! I talk a lot, but do little! I am... I am... vainly in search of a civil rights analogy.

MAGNETO: You are like Martin Luther King.

PROFESSOR X: I am?

MAGNETO: That's what they wrote.

PROFESSOR X: And you?

MAGNETO: Malcolm X.

PROFESSOR X: Why do you get a civil rights analogy with an X in it and I don't?

MAGNETO: Just be thankful the editor art corrected the page where I got one permanently scratched into my chest.

PROFESSOR X: A civil rights analogy?

MAGNETO: An X.

PROFESSOR X: Ah, because Wolverine said he'd cut you for about fifteen years, but he never did? And it was an anniversary issue and we were charging more for it, so we thought we'd finally let him cut you.

MAGNETO: But I taught him a lesson and pulled out his skeleton and gave him the chance to suffer much angst for five years.

PROFESSOR X: But he didn't really hurt you, it was art corrected --

MAGNETO: Oh. But he still needed to suffer overwrought emotional angst depicted in forty-five balloons per page where five would suffice.

PROFESSOR X: I think our writers were paid royalties by the word. Nowadays, these kids get bupkiss, so they write bupkiss...

MAGNETO: I guess. Wait, if I hadn't pulled his skeleton out, you wouldn't have needed to brain blast me and --

PROFESSOR X: No Onslaught*?!

*See X-Crement Vol. 1 #172 and X-Crement Vol. 2 #43 and X-Crement:The Image Deal #3 and The X-Cruciators #75 and...

MAGNETO: You know what this means, don't you?

PROFESSOR X: Our smooth flow of dialogue was disrupted by continuity footnotes that only serve to confuse and bewilder our readers, whose average age is now 45?

MAGNETO: Yes. Well, no -- it means we were the downfall of the comics industry?

MAGNETO: Well, someone was stuffing a whole lot of money into their pockets while it was falling apart.

PROFESSOR X: Ron Perlman. But it's not as if he didn't earn the money. You know he married what's her face, the cool, smoking-hot actress. I vigilantly search for a mutant who can cancel the effects of Viagra...

MAGNETO: Bitter much? Considering the size of the house you live in, you sound very hypocritical.

PROFESSOR X: Hypocrisy is the only rationalization I have left.

MAGNETO: Is it working for you?

PROFESSOR X: I suffer! I feel guilt and remorse! I talk a lot, but do little! I am...

XIN: JOURNEY OF THE MONKEY KING by Maureen McTigue

XIN: I'm the best of the best, and you stink.

SANZEN: And now you have to help me save the world from evil.

GENERAL 2: Me too! Me Too!

XIN: Go'way! I can do it by myself! With Sanzen. And the pig guy who shows up later. But not you.

TENPO Pig guy? I resemble that remark!

READERS: A monkey, a pig, and crazy martail arts fights?!

EDITOR: And a giant chicken.

READERS: !!!

XIN: King. Monkey KING. Don't forget that part.

Y: THE LAST MAN by Brian K. Vaughan

Y EDITOR HEIDI MACDONALD: Well, it's this really great book about the last dude on Earth, and it's got chicks on motorcycles, and a monkey who throws poo, and--

VERTIGO EDITOR KAREN BERGER: You're fired.

BRIAN K. VAUGHAN: (Kidding! The above exchange is a JOKE, a farcical imagin-actment. We're all part of one big happy Vertigo family, and, um, oh god, please don't fire me...)

ZENDRA by Stuart Moore

HALLE: I'm so unhappy. I'm the fulfillment of an ancient prophecy, but I'm only half human and nobody understands me.

BOY HUMANS: WE DO!

GOOD ALIENS: So do HUBBA c'mere we HUBBA baby

HALLE: What? Well, at least I found the fabled planet Zendra. And I got away from the mean aliens --

MEAN ALIENS: Hey! Nice place you got here!

GOOD ALIENS: Leave her alone let me teach you HUBBA she's mine the secrets of the universe HUBBA baby

EVERYBODY: What?

FADE FROM BLUE by Myatt Murphy

MARIT: Hey, anyone see my father so I can kill him? And no, I'm not a guy...

CHRISTA: Work sucks, people suck, men suck, you suck, I sucked... and now I have freakin' Herpes. That really sucks!!!

ELISA: Does anyone have any more Vaseline I can rub on my teeth? It's hard to jog ten miles and hold this permanent smile all the time.

IYA: Does anyone have any more tissues? It's hard to be sexy and bawling all the time.

DAG: One day, I'm gonna grow up to be big and strong because I'm drinking milk and... aw, who am I kidding! Hey, can I ask you some guy advice about unrequited love?

MARIT: I said I'm not a guy!!! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to exercise for four hours so I lose my boobs, then cut my hair like Sting.

READER #1: Hey, I get it now! Marit is Scary Spice, Elisa is Baby/Sporty Spice, Iya is Posh/Ginger Spice... so what's that make Christa?

CHRISTA: Grateful (hey, there's always a first time!)

SENTINEL by Sean McKeever

See Iron Giant.

SIMPSONS COMICS by Jesse Leon McCann

HOMER: D'oh!

BART: Aye, carumba!

MAGGIE: (suck, suck!)

FLANDERS: Hi-dilly-ho!

NELSON: Haw haw!

BARNEY: (burrrp!)

MARGE: Hrrrrrm!

MR. BURNS: Excellent!

(Everyone turns to look at Lisa)

LISA: Wasn't this bit already used on the show?




GEOFF JOHNS, famous 'naturist,' writes all books starting with a vowel or consonant for DC Comics, where he has an exclusive contract for a thousand thousand years, and is strangely likeable, considering his popularity. He's writing Hawkman, Flash, JSA, and TITANS currently but by morning he may actually get a real workload.

ANDY DIGGLE wrote the very entertaining LADY CONSTANTINE and JUDGE DREAD vs. ALIENS. He's also got SNOW/TIGER coming in April from 2000 AD, and THE LOSERS coming from Vertigo in June. Check out his Web site, which has no nude pictures of Aliens.

Anything I say about SCOTT MORSE is just going to sound like butt-kissing, so I'm sticking with the fact that he's one of the creators whose work is an automatic pick-up for me, no questions asked. SOULWIND, VISITATIONS, VOLCANIC REVOLVER and MAGIC PICKLE are all from Oni Press and highly highly recommended.

VAL STAPLES is the writer of the popular MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE comic for MV CREATIONS, which I understand has plenty of near-nudity. Can an Easy-Bake Oven graphic novel be far behind?

TY TEMPLETON daily commits the sins of being both a HIPPIE and a CANADIAN, but bless his heart for writing the brilliant Vertigo graphic novel BIGG TIME, and the upcoming HUMAN DEFENSE LEAGUE. He's done some of the best Batman stories ever, and also the cult fave MAD DOG.

All stories about BILL JEMAS are true. He's been part of the team revitalizing Marvel and he also hates goodness and decency. He was in the second touring company of OH, CALCUTTA. He writes Marville, and will be co-writing the Tsunami title SUB-MARINER with indy genius Andi Watson. He's also funny. He's had some guys wacked, I heard.

JIMMY PALMIOTTI, inker extraordinaire, is now perhaps even more renowned as the co-creating force behind MARVEL KNIGHTS and writer of several critically-acclaimed books (with Justin Gray), such as 21 DOWN, THE RESISTANCE, and BEAUTIFUL KILLER. He also is fascinated by panties. I don't even have to hear that from him to know it's true. The Delphi Forum is http://forums.delphiforums.com/PAPERFILMS. The pervy swervy soft and curvy site is brooklynbizarro.com.

Pretty soon they're just going to start throwing awards at GREG RUCKA from the back seats of moving cars to save time. Writer of Queen and Country, Whiteout, many many Bat-books and the upcoming WOLVERINE relaunch, Greg is also writer of the excellent Atticus Kodiak novels, Smoker, Finder, and others. Highly recommended by me.

RON ZIMMERMAN is the living embodiment of all that is evil, according to some freak on a message board somewhere. Ron's written for SEVENTH HEAVEN, HOWARD STERN, and many other similarly-themed programs, and is currently developing a series for Disney. In comics, he's written the severely under-rated ULTIMATE ADVENTURES, as well as GET KRAVEN, RAWHIDE KID, and SPIDER-MAN: SWEET CHARITY. Even when he's DRESSED, he's naked.

ANTONY JOHNSTON is the extremely talented writer of DANGEROUS CURVES, ROSEMARY'S BACKPACK, and a new fave of mine, THREE DAYS IN EUROPE. Upcoming books include, "THE COURTYARD and ANOTHER SUBURBAN ROMANCE from Avatar, and EMILY SPOOK and CLOSER still to come from Oni." Check Antony's hot fleshy website at www.mostlyblack.com

RON MARZ killed all the Green Lanterns and the innocence of thousands of fans. When not sunbathing topless, he writes SCION and CHIMERA for CrossGen, and plays a LOT of softball.

BRIAN JOINES writes the cult favorite 7 GUYS OF JUSTICE for CRIMINAL GENIUS ENTERTAINMENT. Very funny stuff, and he actually has a character in the book I created as a joke, MR. HAPPY JETPACK. Upcoming projects include the graphic novel, THE TAKING OF HAPPYLAND and the upcoming mini series BIFF SPARTACUS - PEST CONTROL from Platinum Studios.

Don't mess with MICAH WRIGHT. Micah writes STORMWATCH: TEAM ACHILLES, as well as works for television and the fabulously recommended BACK THE ATTACK: REMIXED WAR PROPOGANDA, guaranteed to give some right-wingers a heart attack. And, as a former Army Ranger, he can crush your windpipe with his chin, but will most likely just destroy you with his excellent debating skills.

DAN L. TAYLOR writes one of the most pleasant discoveries of the San Diego con, SUPER HERO HAPPY HOUR. Someone should snatch this guy up for more books, if this charming/funny/sad slice of life with supers in a bar is any indication. More info at Geekpunk.com

BATTON LASH is the whiz kid behind the long-running and Eisner-winning SUPERNATURAL LAW, as well as the writer of the hilarious RADIOACTIVE MAN, which you all should be reading. He's also a sweetheart, I say. He gave me a bunch of copies of SL at the San Diego con last year and now I'm hooked.

While people were bitching that it was impossible to create horror stories in comics that were both commercially and critically successful, STEVE NILES went out and did just that, and so of course, we all hate him. But 30 DAYS OF NIGHT is too good to hate. Get it from IDW Publishing. Info about DARK DAYS (the sequel to 30 DAYS) and the upcoming Cal McDonald mystery CRIMINAL MACABRE at Steveniles.com.

MARK MILLAR is that rarest of things, a clean Scotsman. He's also the gifted writer of the best-selling ULTIMATES and ULTIMATE X-MEN comics, as well as the upcoming TROUBLE for EPIC, and WITCHBLADE for Top Cow. Love ya, Mark. Mark also has a column here at CBR when time permits, and his own www.millarworld.biz site.

CHUCK AUSTEN, rarely-clothed, formerly known mostly as an artist, now writes half the books in the universe, and not just comics, either, but ALL BOOKS EVERYWHERE! THE CALL, WAR MACHINE, SUPERMAN, and the obscure cult fave UNCANNY X-MEN, to name a few. You're a good guy, Chuck! Chuck has a forum where he talks with readers at x-mencomics.com/xfan

MAUREEN McTIGUE is a popular and fully-clothed editor, formerly at DC, now at Harris Comics. She edits the monthly VAMPIRELLA, and XIN: JOURNEY OF THE MONKEY KING, which you should get because they look great and have great writers. XIN begins in April, and a new VAMPI book starts in July. Check stuff out at www.vampirella.com and Udoncomics.com.

SEAN McKEEVER is primarily known for being a loonbag of the highest order, but he's ALMOST as well known for the critic-fave THE WAITING PLACE. Lately, Marvel's purchased him outright, and he's written the HULK and BLACK PANTHER, and is currently writing SENTINEL and INHUMANS.

Multi-talented JOE CASEY likes rock music and porn, or at least that's a thing I made up about him. When he's not playing in his band, THE SELLOUTS (www.thesellouts.com), he's writing ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN, WILDCATS VERSION 3.0, and AUTOMATIC KAFKA, among others. He's got MONOLITH from Ait/PlanetLar and BATMAN: TENSES coming soon, so buy buy buy! Full, naked details at www.manofaction.tv/casey/.

FABIAN NICIEZA co-created Deadpool and the New Warriors and helped revitalize the Justice League and those things alone make for quite a resume for an exhibitionist on the lam, but he also just finished a fan-favorite run on THUNDERBOLTS, and is working on the critically-acclaimed BLACKBURNE COVENENANT for Dark Horse Comics.

BRIAN K. VAUGHAN is the irritatingly talented mind behind Y:THE LAST MAN, THE HOOD, and about fifty new Tsunami titles including THE RUNAWAYS and MYSTIQUE. He writes at night like a vampire and thinks the sun is just a myth. He's nude right now.

STUART MOORE was my editor on the ill-fated NIGHT NURSE for about an hour and a half, BUT, he also was editor of a long list of commercial and creative successes, and is generally considered by many (including me) to be one of the editing greats of comics. He currently writes ZENDRA for Penny Farthing Press and LONE for Dark Horse, and a web column on comics called A THOUSAND FLOWERS for www.Newsarama.com that's a must-read. A streaker.

MYATT MURPHY is the creator/writer of Fade From Blue, a bi-monthly indie comic that's receiving a heaping PILE of praise from the industry, including an Eisner nom for Myatt as "Talent Deserving Of Wider Recognition." Other recent accolades include 6 'certified cools' out of 8 books so far from Diamond, 3 "A's" from CBG's Reading Room AND FFB being named one of 2003's Buzz Books by Wizard Magazine. Murphy also wrote Two Over Ten and Far From Saints, as well as features for Newsweek, Glamour, GQ and numerous other non-porn magazines. To see more, check out why, go to www.secondtosomestudios.com.

The very funny JESSE LEON McCANN has one of the widest resumes in comics, and is currently writing stories for Looney Tunes, Simpsons Comics, and Cartoon Cartoons, among many others, but that's barely scratching the surface of the places his work has appeared. He also has the frighteningly difficult job of putting together and editing the SIMPSONS EPISODE GUIDES and trivia games. Check out his website for a full list of this guy's varied talents.

Love,

Gail

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