You'll All Be Sorry

Thu, May 1st, 2003 at 12:00am PDT

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor

A BLOG FOR GALACTUS


META-CHRONOLOGICAL MARKER ONE

8:42 am UNIMAGINABLE DISTANCES

Hunger.

8:53 am TRAVEL'S END

Soon. Consumption. Soon.

11:28 am Ever Have This Happen?

MOOD TODAY: Blue

Interesting day, today.

Was already somewhat, how do I put this, less than optimal in my cosmic state, I suppose, and was about to commit myself to some serious 'dining therapy' (you know what I'm talking about, right ladies? ha ha!) by devouring this insignificant little peckerwood planet. Nobody would even miss it, right? Do not give me those looks--I am starting an exercise program with the next solar revolution.

Anyway, suddenly, out of the planetary orbit comes my employee and galactic herald, Norrin Radd, and he is all up in my business! He is like, "Master! For the first time I realize the dreadful enormity of what you plan to do! You must not tamper with other worlds! You cannot destroy the entire human race!"

And it is like he is SAYING, "These are NOT ants, Master! They think..they feel...they have even created the primitive civilization which we see all about us!" But what I am HEARING is, "Galactus, you are fat and no one will ever REALLY love you."

People can be real jerks sometimes, do you not agree? He has some sort of affection for an Earth woman, apparently. You'd never catch GALACTUS doing that.

Anyway, it turns out these things on my hat get good tv reception. Have spent most of the past few minutes absorbing every incident in this planet's history. Lot of interesting stuff, but mostly have been listening to Dr. Phil.

MUSIC: Soundtrack from CHICAGO


META-CHRONOLOGICAL MARKER TWO

1:27 pm Ren and Stimpy!

That goddamn cat is HILARIOUS.

MUSIC: "Promise of a New Day" Paula Abdul


2:53 pm DR. PHIL

This is going to sound fruity, but I really respect Dr. Phil. It is like he sees inside of me. And humans lack ocular x-ray capacity.

It turns out that when I devour a world, it is not merely cosmic sustenance I am looking for, but acceptance, and, yes, love. The emptier I feel inside, the more billions of sentient life forms I binge on, and that is obviously a self-destructive cycle.

So, that is it. For real this time. Dr. Phil, you've inspired me. Am a new force of nature from this point on.

MUSIC: "Baby, I'm-a Want You" Bread

4:12 pm SHIT SHIT SHIT

I ate the moon.

I hate myself.

MOOD: Dark

4:13 pm Full Of Shame

MOOD: Puffy

I purged the moon. Do not lecture me, I know it was wrong. I know, I know. You think I do not know? Go to Hell. No one is FORCING you to read my blog. If you were really my friends, you would not judge me.

No, I do not mean you, Uatu. You have been great.

Am going to make a present to myself, like Dr. Phil says. Am giving myself the night off. I am just going to sit here and veg. It is not like the world will end if I take the day off from eating worlds. Wait.

You know what I meant. Shut up! I am very vulnerable right now!

MUSIC: "Little Pink Houses" John Cougar Mellancamp

META-CHRONOLOGICAL MARKER THREE

6:29 am Friends, You Gotta Have Friends

watcher2421: whassup!!!!


G-lactgroovyguy: hahaha!


watcher2421: WHASSUP!!!!


G-lactgroovyguy: lol! I am LOL!


watcher2421: it is as shown in that commercial!


G-lactgroovyguy: dude, I KNOW! I am R.O.F.L.!


watcher2421: i am imitating the humans in that commercial!


G-lactgroovyguy: yes! yes! :) :) :)


watcher2421: WHASSUP!!!!
G-lactgroovyguy: Ha! You will be here all week!


watcher2421: ?


G-lactgroovyguy: Do not forget to tip the waitresses, Uatu is here all week!


watcher2421: i do not understand.


G-lactgroovyguy: when people who are not humorous say a non-humorous utterance with the cadence of a humorous observance, they often say, "thank you! I will be here all week!"


watcher2421: i still do not...


G-lactgroovyguy: then they say, 'do not forget to tip the waitresses!"


watcher2421: i have not heard this series of expressions.


G-lactgroovyguy: 'try the veal!'


watcher2421: do they then consume the veal?


G-lactgroovyguy: i do not know. surely you have observed this commentary previously?


watcher2421: i observe all, yet am forbidden to interfere.


G-lactgroovyguy: ...


watcher2421: ...


G-lactgroovyguy: hey!


watcher2421: yes?


G-lactgroovyguy: hey!


watcher2421: yes?


G-lactgroovyguy: WHASSUP!!!!!!!


watcher2421: rofpmr! (rolling on floor pissing my robe!)


G-lactgroovyguy: ftobwmp! (flooding the Orion belt with my piss!)

META-CHRONOLOGICAL MARKER FOUR

3:24 pm Cheering Up!

MOOD: Sunny!

Ha ha ha! Am mirthful!

It appears various cults have sprung upon the Earth who worship the cloud of particles and dust that has sprung up in the wake of the moon's destruction. I do not have the heart to tell them it is my vomit. LOL!

Perhaps they should have waited a day or two and then they would have something completely different to worship! It would almost be worth it just to see the shape of the temples! LOL :) :) :)

Here is a picture Uatu sent. He is a TRUE FRIEND.

"Hang in there, buddy!" Uatu, the Watcher

MUSIC: "Now THAT'S What I Call Music!" Various


10:04 pm I Tried A Chat Room!

G-lactgroovyguy: Is this the right place to discuss Dr. Phil?


Soccermom: Welcome, G-lgg!


G-lactgroovyguy: I really like Dr. Phil. He is wise.


K-Stud: a/s/l?


G-lactgroovyguy: As old as time/male, but transcending gender/hovering over your planet.


Soccermom: Did you see today's episode, G-lgg?


G-lactgroovyguy: I tivo-ed it.


K-Stud: I have a tivo for you, G-lgg.


G-lactgroovyguy: I already have several tivos, K-stud.


K-Stud: It's in my PANTS!


Soccermom: Gross, K-Stud!


G-lactgroovyguy: Nevertheless, as I have stated, I already am in possession of several tivos.


K-Stud: My PANTS, man. It's a real BIG tivo!


G-lactgroovyguy: I fail to see how size makes a difference.


Soccermom: You guys are gross. Goodbye.


G-lactgroovyguy: What? What did I say?


K-Stud: Yeah, lady, I got something gross. In my PANTS.


G-lactgroovyguy: Your garments seem to contain an admirable storage capacity, K-Stud.


K-Stud: I have something admirable. In my PANTS.


G-lactgroovyguy: ...

This culture is odd. The discussion was relatively free of Dr. Phil-related topics.

MUSIC: "Neil Sedaka--My Very Best To You"


META-CHRONOLOGICAL MARKER FIVE

2:32 pm I Am In A Shame Spiral

Had cyber-sex with K-Stud.

Even worse, it was going along fine and then he couldn't type properly and then he logged off without even saying goodbye. Attention all peoples of Earth! K-Stud is a USER and a PHONY! Do NOT believe K-STUD!

Do not care any more. Am going to eat all Earth land masses except for North America, where Dr. Phil resides.

MOOD: Used, peckish


META-CHRONOLOGICAL MARKER SIX

7:25 am Da Doo Ron Ron

Revealed myself to the Earthpeople today. There were many tears amid the calamities caused by my having devoured the moon and several continents. It is as Dr. Phil has stated, must admit that my actions have consequences.

Surprising resistance to my generous offer to allow the remains of Earth's population to continue their existence in exchange for continuous new, live episodes of Dr. Phil. Not deterred by brutal mass suicides, however. Paying attention to a tantrum only encourages more tantrums.

Begin to see Norrin Radd's fascination for this speck of cosmic dust called 'Earth.' It is awe-inspiring that one homeworld could produce both the all-knowing divinely-inspirational Dr. Phil, and the two-jerks-I'm-done boyslut K-Stud.

Oh! Had HEATED debate with Uatu, who is of the position that blogs are dull, tedious recordings of thoughts and experiences too minute and trivial to stand up to even the most patient of face-to-face listeners. He says that the self-deluded type their breakfast smoothie recipies and top ten soap opera hotties in the tragic and fruitless hope that someone in the vastness of cyber-space not only listens, but cares, and that he personally wants to tell the world that committing to your journal a wry observation about the 'sunset being real pretty' is not the same as being a poet. He says if he had wanted to know every excruciating detail of every dreary and pointless life, he would have ASKED, then shot himself in the head with the Ultimate Nullifier.









Uatu can be a real DICK sometimes.




Discuss this column on the You'll All Be Sorry! Message Board.





All characters are ™ & their respective owners. All Rights Reserved.

You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

You'll All Be Sorry Home | You'll All Be Sorry Archives

 
You'll All Be Sorry

Send This Article to a Friend

Separate multiple email address with commas.

You must state your name.

You must enter your email address.