You'll All Be Sorry

Thu, May 29th, 2003 at 12:00am PDT

Comic Books
Gail Simone, Guest Contributor

SPECIAL GUEST YABS!!!

[Dr. Faustus]From the audio files of Dr. Faustus, super-villain and family councilor.

The patients: The Jameson family. J. Jonah Jameson, son John Jameson and niece Mattie Franklin. Jonah's wife Marla Madison has issued the family an ultimatum that they receive counseling for their dysfunctions or she's leaving. Marla was unavailable for this session due to a traffic jam cause by an unrelated Skrull invasion of New York.

DR. FAUSTUS

Hello, I'm Dr. Faustus. I want you all to feel safe here. And admitting you have a problem is the first step towards healing.

JOHN

Wait a minute, aren't you evil?

JONAH

Yeah, but he works cheap and he once fought Spider-Man. Go on Doc, cure 'em! You got a ray or a gas or something?

MATTIE

Us? Uncle Jonah's the one with issues!

DR. FAUSTUS

[Spider-Woman]Sounds like someone's got her dice out and is ready to play the blame game. You're Mattie Franklin, also known as Spider Woman.

JOHN

Real original name huh doctor?

MATTIE

Shut up!

JOHN

No, you shut up!

JONAH

You see doc, this is what the house has been like since John moved back in.

JOHN

Just until I get back on my feet.

DR. FAUSTUS

My file says you're John Jameson, also known as Man Wolf.

JOHN

[Manwolf]I prefer to be called Star God.

MATTIE

Ha!

JOHN

What? People in another dimension call me Star God and worship me as a hero for saving their world, all right?

MATTIE

Is this like the time you had that "girlfriend" in Canada?

JOHN

She was real she was um... Guardian.

MATTIE

Guardian's a guy.

JOHN

What? I thought that was Vindicator.

MATTIE

Maybe it was Puck.

JOHN

Shut up!

DR. FAUSTUS

Now, now. Yelling is what we do when we're afraid to hug. Mattie why don't you share your feelings?

MATTIE

Well, this morning I went to my room and all my Spider-Man posters were torn down.

JONAH

I replaced them.

MATTIE

With posters of Shawn Cassidy and Bobby Darrin!

JONAH

That's what you kids like nowadays right? I read Pizzazz Magazine!

JOHN

That got cancelled in the 70s.

JONAH

What? I had shares in that! How's Dynamite doing?

MATTIE

The real problem is Uncle Jonah is obsessed with Spider-Man!

JONAH

That's hogwash!

MATTIE

Look at today's Daily Bugle.

DR. FAUSTUS

This headline, "SPIDER-MAN WORSE THAN HITLER OR JUST WORSE THAN DRACULA?" It does seem a little over the top.

JOHN

For a story about the garbage strike.

MATTIE

And check out Garfield. He changed him from saying, "I hate Mondays" to "I hate Spider-Man".

JONAH

How do you know that was me? Maybe Jim Davis hates Spider-Man, too.

MATTIE

Oh right, like Jim Davis still does the strip.

DR. FAUSTUS

Why don't we talk about the stresses that you as a newly fused family are going through...

JONAH

Humph!

DR. FAUSTUS

Jonah, you seem defensive.

JONAH

What do you mean?

DR. FAUSTUS

You're wearing a full suit of armor.

MATTIE

He hollowed out a Spider Slayer robot he had in basement and wears it everywhere now.

JONAH

It's the only way I can afford to get insurance. When you've been kidnapped 128 times your deductible goes through the roof. You know who I blame?

MATTIE AND JOHN

Spider-Man!

JONAH

Darned right!

JOHN

He saved you each time Dad!

JONAH

Yeah, well he probably set them all up.

MATTIE

See Doctor, if he were any more biased he could work for Fox News!

DR. FAUSTUS

How do you respond to this Jonah? Jonah? What have you got there? Are you going through your mail?

JONAH

Sorry doc, I'm a busy man, gotta multi-task! Let's see bill, bill, request from an evil scientist to help genetically alter a convict. Brother, you help create 3 or 4 supervillains and you're on a mailing list you'll never get off of. Huh? So what's the good work doc? We done here? They cured?

DR. FAUSTUS

Jonah, it's obvious to me that both your son and niece crave attention from you that you're not giving them. Your focus is always on Spider-Man.

JONAH

But...

DR. FAUSTUS

John, a respected astronaut turned, as many young people do, to stealing in the hopes of getting attention.

JOHN

[It's My Son!]Hey, I didn't steal that stone on the moon, I found it. And um...just didn't tell NASA. It was a souvenir. Lots of astronauts do it. Buzz Aldrin has a Martian corpse over his fireplace.

(pause)

JOHN

Okay, I stole it.

DR. FAUSTUS

And then when it changed him, to get your attention he became the Spider-Man villain Werewolf By Night.

JOHN

Man Wolf!

MATTIE

I thought it was Star God!

JOHN

Shut up! That is so like this lycanthrophobic society, lumping us all together. You don't call Dad Perry White do you?

DR. FAUSTUS

I didn't mean to offend...

JOHN

Werewolf by Night. What a stupid name. I mean what else would you be? Werewolf by Morning? Werewolf by Brunch? I have to kill the thing I love the most, but first some eggs benedict and a champagne orange juice spritzer!

DR. FAUSTUS

Mattie, you dress up as and named yourself after the person your uncle hates the most. A clear cry for attention.

MATTIE

I can stick to walls, have bio-electric blasts, can fly, can create energy webs, have clairvoyance, telepathy, precognition, the ability to sense psionic powers in others, incredible strength and extra legs. What else would I call myself?

JOHN

Overkill? Mish Mash?

DR. FAUSTUS

Now John...

JOHN

It's like she was bitten by a whole deck of radioactive Pokemon at the same time!

MATTIE

You just have power envy. Look at me, I have the ability to clog up the shower drain with my fur! All hail the Star God!

JOHN

And don't forget the time she turned to drugs.

DR. FAUSTUS

You took drugs?

JOHN

No she was turned into drugs.

DR. FAUSTUS

I think we're getting off point here. Jonah, do you see where I'm going? Your family loves you and the more you turn your focus elsewhere the more they will take extreme measures to earn your love. Like I say in my book, "Self Matterz"...

JOHN

That's Dr. Phil's book.

DR. FAUSTUS

I spell mine with a "z." I'm an evil psychiatrist who laughs in the face of copyright law! Can I get on with the healing?

JOHN

Sorry...

DR. FAUSTUS

Give your love freely Jonah. Don't make your family earn it.

JONAH

I think I see what you mean doctor. I feel like I'm not just hearing. For the first time... I'm listening.

DR. FAUSTUS

Good.

JOHN

Oh Dad.

JONAH

You're saying...

MATTIE

Sniff!

JONAH

It's Spider-Man's fault.

A buzzer rings.

DR. FAUSTUS

Sigh. Sure, whatever. Spider-Man's fault. What a bastard. Time's up.

MATTIE

But...

JOHN

I...

DR. FAUSTUS

We're done! Get out!

JONAH

Thanks doc! And curse you Spider-Man!

DR. FAUSTUS

Next!

Jonah, John and Mattie leave. Medusa and Black Bolt enter.

MEDUSA

He just won't talk to me anymore.





A BIG YABS thanks to one of the funniest people in comics (or any other industry), IAN BOOTHBY, for this week's Yabs. Ian is the critically-acclaimed regular writer for SIMPSONS COMICS, as well as the writer of this year's excellent Simpsons/Futurama crossover. A sequel to that book is coming soon, I'm told, and people visiting Canada will be able to see his improvised play "The New Adventures of Hamlet" starting next week. Also, his sit-com pilot Space Arm is available for viewing at www.spacearm.tv

The Savage Critic says of Ian, "If I were looking for someone to write "funny" Boothby would be the first call I would make."

Ian's a riot. Thanks, buddy!

Love,

Gail





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You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

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