![[Dr. Faustus]](http://images.comicbookresources.com/yabs/faustus_faustus.jpg) From the audio files of Dr. Faustus, super-villain and family councilor.
The patients: The Jameson family. J. Jonah Jameson, son John Jameson and niece Mattie Franklin. Jonah's wife Marla Madison has issued the family an ultimatum that they receive counseling for their dysfunctions or she's leaving. Marla was unavailable for this session due to a traffic jam cause by an unrelated Skrull invasion of New York.
DR. FAUSTUS
Hello, I'm Dr. Faustus. I want you all to feel safe here. And admitting you have a problem is the first step towards healing.
JOHN
Wait a minute, aren't you evil?
JONAH
Yeah, but he works cheap and he once fought Spider-Man. Go on Doc, cure 'em! You got a ray or a gas or something?
MATTIE
Us? Uncle Jonah's the one with issues!
DR. FAUSTUS
![[Spider-Woman]](http://images.comicbookresources.com/yabs/faustus_spiderwoman.jpg) Sounds like someone's got her dice out and is ready to play the blame game. You're Mattie Franklin, also known as Spider Woman.
JOHN
Real original name huh doctor?
MATTIE
Shut up!
JOHN
No, you shut up!
JONAH
You see doc, this is what the house has been like since John moved back in.
JOHN
Just until I get back on my feet.
DR. FAUSTUS
My file says you're John Jameson, also known as Man Wolf.
JOHN
![[Manwolf]](http://images.comicbookresources.com/yabs/faustus_manwolf.jpg) I prefer to be called Star God.
MATTIE
Ha!
JOHN
What? People in another dimension call me Star God and worship me as a hero for saving their world, all right?
MATTIE
Is this like the time you had that "girlfriend" in Canada?
JOHN
She was real she was um... Guardian.
MATTIE
Guardian's a guy.
JOHN
What? I thought that was Vindicator.
MATTIE
Maybe it was Puck.
JOHN
Shut up!
DR. FAUSTUS
Now, now. Yelling is what we do when we're afraid to hug. Mattie why don't you share your feelings?
MATTIE
Well, this morning I went to my room and all my Spider-Man posters were torn down.
JONAH
I replaced them.
MATTIE
With posters of Shawn Cassidy and Bobby Darrin!
JONAH
That's what you kids like nowadays right? I read Pizzazz Magazine!
JOHN
That got cancelled in the 70s.
JONAH
What? I had shares in that! How's Dynamite doing?
MATTIE
The real problem is Uncle Jonah is obsessed with Spider-Man!
JONAH
That's hogwash!
MATTIE
Look at today's Daily Bugle.
DR. FAUSTUS
This headline, "SPIDER-MAN WORSE THAN HITLER OR JUST WORSE THAN DRACULA?" It does seem a little over the top.
JOHN
For a story about the garbage strike.
MATTIE
And check out Garfield. He changed him from saying, "I hate Mondays" to "I hate Spider-Man".
JONAH
How do you know that was me? Maybe Jim Davis hates Spider-Man, too.
MATTIE
Oh right, like Jim Davis still does the strip.
DR. FAUSTUS
Why don't we talk about the stresses that you as a newly fused family are going through...
JONAH
Humph!
DR. FAUSTUS
Jonah, you seem defensive.
JONAH
What do you mean?
DR. FAUSTUS
You're wearing a full suit of armor.
MATTIE
He hollowed out a Spider Slayer robot he had in basement and wears it everywhere now.
JONAH
It's the only way I can afford to get insurance. When you've been kidnapped 128 times your deductible goes through the roof. You know who I blame?
MATTIE AND JOHN
Spider-Man!
JONAH
Darned right!
JOHN
He saved you each time Dad!
JONAH
Yeah, well he probably set them all up.
MATTIE
See Doctor, if he were any more biased he could work for Fox News!
DR. FAUSTUS
How do you respond to this Jonah? Jonah? What have you got there? Are you going through your mail?
JONAH
Sorry doc, I'm a busy man, gotta multi-task! Let's see bill, bill, request from an evil scientist to help genetically alter a convict. Brother, you help create 3 or 4 supervillains and you're on a mailing list you'll never get off of. Huh? So what's the good work doc? We done here? They cured?
DR. FAUSTUS
Jonah, it's obvious to me that both your son and niece crave attention from you that you're not giving them. Your focus is always on Spider-Man.
JONAH
But...
DR. FAUSTUS
John, a respected astronaut turned, as many young people do, to stealing in the hopes of getting attention.
JOHN
![[It's My Son!]](http://images.comicbookresources.com/yabs/faustus_son.jpg) Hey, I didn't steal that stone on the moon, I found it. And um...just didn't tell NASA. It was a souvenir. Lots of astronauts do it. Buzz Aldrin has a Martian corpse over his fireplace.
(pause)
JOHN
Okay, I stole it.
DR. FAUSTUS
And then when it changed him, to get your attention he became the Spider-Man villain Werewolf By Night.
JOHN
Man Wolf!
MATTIE
I thought it was Star God!
JOHN
Shut up! That is so like this lycanthrophobic society, lumping us all together. You don't call Dad Perry White do you?
DR. FAUSTUS
I didn't mean to offend...
JOHN
Werewolf by Night. What a stupid name. I mean what else would you be? Werewolf by Morning? Werewolf by Brunch? I have to kill the thing I love the most, but first some eggs benedict and a champagne orange juice spritzer!
DR. FAUSTUS
Mattie, you dress up as and named yourself after the person your uncle hates the most. A clear cry for attention.
MATTIE
I can stick to walls, have bio-electric blasts, can fly, can create energy webs, have clairvoyance, telepathy, precognition, the ability to sense psionic powers in others, incredible strength and extra legs. What else would I call myself?
JOHN
Overkill? Mish Mash?
DR. FAUSTUS
Now John...
JOHN
It's like she was bitten by a whole deck of radioactive Pokemon at the same time!
MATTIE
You just have power envy. Look at me, I have the ability to clog up the shower drain with my fur! All hail the Star God!
JOHN
And don't forget the time she turned to drugs.
DR. FAUSTUS
You took drugs?
JOHN
No she was turned into drugs.
DR. FAUSTUS
I think we're getting off point here. Jonah, do you see where I'm going? Your family loves you and the more you turn your focus elsewhere the more they will take extreme measures to earn your love. Like I say in my book, "Self Matterz"...
JOHN
That's Dr. Phil's book.
DR. FAUSTUS
I spell mine with a "z." I'm an evil psychiatrist who laughs in the face of copyright law! Can I get on with the healing?
JOHN
Sorry...
DR. FAUSTUS
Give your love freely Jonah. Don't make your family earn it.
JONAH
I think I see what you mean doctor. I feel like I'm not just hearing. For the first time... I'm listening.
DR. FAUSTUS
Good.
JOHN
Oh Dad.
JONAH
You're saying...
MATTIE
Sniff!
JONAH
It's Spider-Man's fault.
A buzzer rings.
DR. FAUSTUS
Sigh. Sure, whatever. Spider-Man's fault. What a bastard. Time's up.
MATTIE
But...
JOHN
I...
DR. FAUSTUS
We're done! Get out!
JONAH
Thanks doc! And curse you Spider-Man!
DR. FAUSTUS
Next!
Jonah, John and Mattie leave. Medusa and Black Bolt enter.
MEDUSA
He just won't talk to me anymore.
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