Unfortunate Confluence of Words: Issue #2

Fri, January 11th, 2008 at 12:00am PST

Comic Books
Keith Giffen, Columnist

"Amazing Spider-Man" #545.
About the whole Spider-Man marriage "annulment"...

Mephisto? Come on, do we really need Mephisto stepping in to end a comicbook marriage when there are so many more obvious factors that could be exploited? Especially from the wife's point of view.

I've already gone on the record as saying superhero marriages are a bad idea. Once a superhero marries, it becomes the adventures of your parents and the kids just love that!

But Mephisto?

I gave it a bit of thought ("bit" being the operable word) and came up with the following list of inciting incidents, any two or three of which combined, should, pretty well, scotch any superhero marriage.

Humbly submitted, a list I like to call...

"HONEY, WE'VE GOT TO TALK..."

  1. He opts for latex over spandex.

  2. He calls out Diana's name during sex.

  3. He calls out Robin's name during sex.

  4. He hires Greg Rucka as official biographer.

  5. Skid marks found on underpants worn outside the tights.

  6. Super peers start referring to her as Ball and Chain Lass.

  7. Realizes he's not from Earth / not human. Bestiality rears it's ugly head.

  8. Cyborg attachments don't vibrate.

  9. Turns out search for G-Spot refers to unfortunately named arch foe.

  10. He takes advantage of abduction by squeezing in a few days in Vegas.

  11. Feigned impotence critical to secret identity.

  12. Revised continuity adds thirty pounds to once svelte figure.

  13. If he says "crisis" one more time...

  14. Death threats from platinum robot written off as programming glitch.

  15. Excuse for leaving toilet seat up involves ready access to water. Euw!

  16. Not all of him "Hulks out."

  17. Best pal gets signal watch. Wife? Nada.

  18. Kid sidekick keeps fishing around for threesome.

  19. Two words: Bat guano.

  20. "Up, up and away" only applies to taking flight.

  21. Masked dog really starting to creep her out.

  22. "Fastest man alive." Think about it...

  23. His future self won't stop telling her how she really, really let herself go.

  24. Geriatric aunt also incontinent.

    And finally...

  25. Zero bragging rights.

Then again, the hero in question could always just step out of the shower.

I'm actually kind of amazed that the "One Day... Whatever" story has generated so much blow-back. Not on the part of the fans, that's to be expected, but on the part of the participants. Used to be, you spelled out the story, put it out for public consumption and dealt with the varied reactions. Regardless of circumstance, you generate it, you own it. Period.

Too old school? File that under "tough bounce." Hell, I've generated my fair share of stories that, in hindsight, I wish I'd never told. We all have. Best thing to do is (hopefully) learn from it and move on.

Speaking of moving on...

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