Unfortunate Confluence of Words

Thu, November 20th, 2008 at 11:58pm PST

Comic Books
Keith Giffen, Columnist

Darkseid: enough already

Just some random brain farts this time around, gang. Let's see how far I can get before blood shoots out of my ears.

1) Darkseid, The Joker: enough already. I'm thinking moratorium.

2) If I never hear the word "Crisis" again...

3) Whatever happened to comic book stories for the sake of story? Does everything have to have universe shattering impact? Doesn't anyone rob banks anymore?

4) What was kinda, sorta cool back then tends to be kinda, sorta pathetic today. If you're going to reintroduce a character from the past, you might want to consider current trends.

5) I never thought I'd say this, but enough with the "one punch" already. It was a throwaway bit. Move on. Please.

6) You're not a New God if you've been hanging around for the better part of thirty years.

7) Sorry, Geoff, but I still think doppelganger characters should be disposed of. I mean, how many Hawkmen do we need? And don't get me started on the plethora of Flashes.

8) If Wonder Woman is really an Amazon, shouldn't she have just one breast? Look it up.

9) If Kid Eternity can summon anyone dead back to life, why doesn't he summon Jesus and put this whole religion thing to rest?

10) And still, to this day, superheroes are wearing their underpants on the outside.

11) Considering the advances made in miniaturization and wireless communication, etc, is there any reason to have a big ol', ostentatious superhero HQ?

12) Red is the new green. Just ask Green Arrow, the Hulk, Green Lantern...

13) Do Skrulls have nipples?

14) Just because you don't know what to do with a character is no reason to kill the character...

15) ... unless it's Karate Kid.

Supergirl: the Sarah Palin of superheroes?

16) Supergirl is to superhero as Sarah Palin is to vice president. Sorry, it had to be said.

17) Maybe we should stop with all the cohesive universe stuff and just spend a year or two telling good stories. Let the fans work out whatever continuity there is to be worked out. They're so much better at it than we are.

18) Repeat after me, "At the end of the day, it's just comic books." See how easy that was?

19) If The Spectre serves God, how does he reconcile that whole "thou shalt not kill" thing? Last time I checked, it wasn't negotiable.

20) Since Marvel brought Bucky back as the Winter Warrior, howzabout bringing Sue Dibney back as the Wicker Warrior? What? Too soon?

21) Here's a horrifying thought, retell "Watchmen" using the Charlton characters. The horrifying part is, I'd bet money that something along those lines has already been floated past the powers that be at DC.

22) Okay... It was me. I'm a whore. Sue me.

23) About that whole DC Insider thing? Grow up!

24) When The Atom shrinks small enough to move between atoms, what does he breathe?

25) So... We elect Obama president, then celebrate how far we've come as a nation by denying gay couples the right to marry. Don't go unrolling those sleeves yet, people. There's still work to do.

26) I've just become a huge fan of Frank Quietly's work. Better late than never.

27) For the record. Sagittarius. Orange. Apolitical. Peanut butter. You figure it out.

28) I still think we should use the manga paradigm when it comes to our product. Big ol' black and white omnibus volumes priced to sell followed up by full color collections of the popular stuff.

29) I also still think comic books should be printed on toilet paper because that's where they're most often read and, at least, they'd serve a useful function once read. Much thanks to Howard Chaykin for coming up with that one.

30) Does anyone actually trade comics anymore or am I just showing my age?

Krypto: neutered?

31) Remember when annuals were special? What happened?

32) Mint is overrated. That's as in "mint condition" not peppermint. Although, come to think of it...

33) Seriously. Would you join a group called Doom Patrol?

34) We know more about the surface of the Moon than we do about the ocean floor. With that kind of imaginative potential, how's it that no one can get an Aquaman book to stick? Myself included.

35) Has Krypto been neutered?

36) For that matter, has Guy Gardner?

37) Still haven't seen "Iron Man," "The Incredible Hulk," nor that Heath Ledger movie co-starring Batman. In my defense, I live this stuff day in and day out and, at the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is see a movie that traffics in more of the same.

38) Video games now have more innovative plot developments than movies. Sad, isn't it?

39) Considering the current economic crunch and the need to find things to tax to generate capital, it wouldn't surprise me if, down the line a bit, marijuana were legalized.

40) Are we still the "Great Satan" if our president's middle name is Hussein?

41) Is "Kingdom Come" the new Adult Legion, being a theoretical future riff that's being shoehorned into current continuity? Is this wise?

42) So, I'm plowing through "Final Crisis" and its satellite books and it suddenly dawns on me; I don't really care who Libra is.

43) Am I the only one who thinks zombies have overstayed their welcome?

44) What exactly is the drop dead price for a comicbook? Three bucks? Three fifty? Four?

45) Wizard is to Marvel as Fox News is to the GOP? It's certainly seeming that way lately. C'mon guys, howzabout a little bit of the ol' fair and balanced?

Wizard = Fox News?

46) I'll take a good, solid artist who knows his way around a story over a fan favorite coasting on name recognition every time.

47) For all of you Didio haters out there, you'd be surprised how many pros sign on at DC specifically because of him.

48) Yes. Editors are necessary. There. I said it. Of course that could be the bourbon speaking...

49) My current favorite billboard, courtesy of the National Association of Librarians: FIGHT ILITERACY.

50) Still with me? Props for perseverance.

51) If daylight savings time is supposed to save time, how come it's getting dark at 5:00?

52) Apparently in Turkey there's a city called Batman. The mayor of Batman is suing Warner Bros. over the name and demanding a share of Batman related revenue. God's truth.

53) Exactly when did the French start making better horror movies than us?

54) Tidbits from meetings I wish I could have sat in on:

"No, really, his name is Comet and he's a super horse."

"We can call him Matter-Eater Lad."

"Batmobile, Spidermobile. The kids'll love it!"

"... and then Mephisto makes it all go away."

"Alaska. She's the governor. I think it's a perfect fit."

55) I still think Batman has Robin wear red to draw fire.

Giffen's "Invasion!" collected, bottom of barrel officially scraped

56) Oh my God, they collected "Invasion!" The bottom of the barrel has officially been scraped.

57) Since both DC and Marvel are determined to collect classic comic book runs and print them on upgraded paper, howzabout giving the contents upgraded coloring?

58) Let's be honest here. The dead characters that stay dead are completely dependent on the preferences of whomever's in charge of whichever company at whatever given moment in time.

59) Speaking of dead characters come to life... who names their sidekick Bucky? Oh... that was his name? Bucky Barnes? And no one saw through it?

60) "Fallout 3's" really gonna mess with my deadlines.

61) Why isn't stupidity one of the Seven Deadly Sins?

62) How about this... upon acceptance of a comic book assignment, you must first contribute to the communal pot, say three or four new characters / villains, before you can indulge your inner fan by bringing in The Joker or Sinestro or whoever. Hate to break it to you, but creativity's part of the job description. At least then I'd be able to call you a creator without it sticking in my throat.

63) Wouldn't it be more effective if the Surgeon General's cigarette pack warning simply read: Hey, asshole! These things will kill you!

64) Why is it that almost all benign god-like figures in comics --Odin, Guardians, Monitors, etc. -- are two steps shy of imbecile?

65) Given time, two totally unrelated characters, if they appear together enough, will turn out to be blood related. What's the deal with that?

66) Enough with the big, close-up panels of character's symbols. Iconography my ass.

67) Am I the only one thinking that all of the wrong characters are turning out to be Skrulls?

68) If I see one more superhero devolving into that baby buzzard from the old Bugs Bunny cartoon upon being kissed...

"Reign In Hell" - NOT about Dan DiDio

69) So let me see if I've got this straight, Marvel spends years trumpeting the fact that they're not DC, then turn around and try to retcon fit DC-centric characters into their continuity. When did they become the House of Someone Else's Ideas?

70) Considering all of the blood being shed and left behind by DC heroes, shouldn't a halfway decent CSI guy be able to ferret out their secret identities?

71) When DC first offered me "Reign In Hell," I thought it was going to be about DiDio.

72) Oddly enough, Streaky is also the nickname my wife has given to my boxers.

73) Legion of Super-Heroes? Yeah, I'd take another run at it.

74) The New York Jets are number one in their division. Enjoy it while it lasts. I know I am.

And finally...

75) I obviously have way too much spare time on my hands.

Catch you next time around.

K-

TAGS:  keith giffen, invasion!, dan didio, sarah palin, darkseid

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