Flogging A Dead Horse

Fri, February 2nd, 2007 at 7:00am PST | Updated: November 13th, 2009 at 3:37pm

Comic Books
Paul Jenkins, Staff Writer

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And finally… this one has to be seen in historical context. My great pal Joe Quesada and all of the guys at Marvel had recorded a Christmas song entitled “Two Weeks Late for Christmas.” I felt this was the musical equivalent of shock and awe. To this day, I cannot believe we actually recorded a rival song that was even worse than Joe's!

Hello Chums!

A few weeks ago, the Internet was irreparably rent asunder when my good pal Joe Quesada revealed that he had fibbed a little in regards to his yearly Christmas song. Joe, as it turned out, had secretly been working on a little ditty called “Two Weeks Late for Christmas.”

A number of you were amazed and delighted to discover that Joe had taken time out of his busy schedule as Marvel’s EIC to produce this masterpiece.

A great many more of you, I have no doubt, were shocked and horrified and possibly even suicidal once you actually heard the song.

For yes, among the many rap artists to be found on Joe’s song were such luminaries as Tom Brevoort, Axel Alonso, Steve Wacker, Mark Paniccia, and Molly Lazer. A modern-day Live Aid, if you will… perpetrated, apparently, by Dead People. I say without fear of losing my job at Marvel that this was quite possibly the most disturbing thing I have ever heard.

Surely a great moment like this should not be allowed to go unpunished.

And so it is with great pride that I present a little spot I like to call…

Six Weeks Late For Groundhog Day

The first thing I would like to acknowledge here is the great taste and professional decorum of one Ralph Macchio, who clearly knows how to spot a runaway train full of dynamite about to crash through his apartment from a mile away. Ralph, as I understand, politely declined Joe’s generous invitation to destroy his credibility in the comics community, and was replaced by the sound of crickets on Marvel’s rap section. Alas, many other editors were not so selective.

Most notable of the Marvel All-Stars is my great mate and longtime editor, Tom Brevoort – the very first rapper on Two Weeks Late. (Way to kick off the comedic festivities, Joe!). I would estimate that rap is approximately twenty to twenty-five years old as an art form at the forefront of popular culture. I further estimate that Tom has set that art form back at least fifty years, which means that it no longer exists.

To describe the middle section of the Marvel Christmas song as “Rap” is to generously omit the letter “C.” It has become quite possibly my favorite song of all time.

Now I have seen Joe’s band perform and they’re pretty darned good. As you can tell from the song, Joe has a kind of “early Rutles” influence in there (although it is my strong contention that he learned everything he knows about singing from Leonard Graves Phillips of the Dickies). If Joe was going to put himself about like this, then by Crackey, I was going to follow in his footsteps down the slippery slope to musical infamy. I was going to record a song of my very own, and I would model it on the Rutles at the very end of their career.

Very soon after the debut of Marvel’s hit single (and I use the word “hit” in the same sense as I would use the word, “bludgeon”), I myself “hit” upon a wonderful idea: using the Marvel model, I would round up some of Atlanta’s finest and guilt them into helping raise money for charity. Atlanta’s local comic book writers and artists are notoriously mean spirited, so I sent out an email informing them that a truck full of money had crashed into my front yard, and that I needed help with the cleanup.

Alas, I could find none of Atlanta’s Finest, and had to make do with a few of Atlanta’s Most Wanted.

In all, seven extremely gullible Atlanta Area Comics Pros deigned to make an appearance… mostly out of curiosity, since they’re all as rich as hell. Half of them showed up expecting Nigh Perfect’s pal Miss Giganto-Boobs to be hanging around. And it was then that I sprung the surprise: we were going to make a tribute single to Marvel’s Christmas Song, and they were going to perform on this record.

At gunpoint, as it turned out.

The Magnificent Seven

DJ Tony Shasteen – artist of Image’s Occult Crimes Taskforce – is an all around good guy and a wonderful artist. And that’s a good thing. Because his sense of musical timing is on a par with Donald Rumsfeld’s sense of humor.

DJ Steve Scott possesses a fine singing voice, which he keeps in a jar in his basement and which he declined to bring with him to the recording session.

“Uncle” Karl Story is the self-styled “Crazy Guy” of the Gaijin Studios group. He is also the musical equivalent of a rabid badger. In fact, hyper-expressive Karl was barely quietened with over a gallon of vodka every half an hour. His musical influences include Keith Moon and Mother Theresa.

DJ Cully Hamner cleared the recording studio out on at least four occasions with his thunderous flatulence. Indeed, my Welsh Corgi, Colin the Watchdog, spent the entire night outside in a fit of jealousy.

DJ Brian Stelfreeze, as it turns out, is black. I know… I had no idea either. The saddest part of the whole thing was that Brian took almost four times as long to record his part as any of the white guys. For shame.

DJ Mark Brooks was late. But he more than made up for it by being the only performer with a clear idea of how he wanted his part to be mixed. Mark, as it turns out, performs in local drag clubs under the name, “M. C. Sprinkles.” He brought along a large selection of Europop techno music that he hoped to recreate in the studio.

DJ Yours Truly… I am nothing if not the consummate professional. Without wanting to sound full of myself, I present absolute, undeniable proof that I am the greatest musician who ever lived. Take note, please, of the British Rap section in our little offering.

The momentous evening of the recording session was made all the more special by the signature appearances of my kid, Torak the Slayer, and my lovely wife, the ever Nigh Perfect. Amongst her many talents is the ability to get rat-arsed drunk on approximately three sips of wine, which she proceeded to do shortly after the session commenced. I warn you in advance that if you truly love music, you will want to turn away and never look back, lest your attraction to the Euterpean Muse be tainted forever. For yes, she is the Devil Incarnate. And yes, she does some things with her voice that vaguely approximate the action of singing.

In a World Exclusive Event, I would like to present some photo stills captured during the actual recording of the song!


Also appearing by special request, DJ Generic and DJ Monkey Keith Moon!

But what charity could we possibly aid with this monumental piece of recorded magnificence? Well, I believe the results of our impromptu vote will surprise and delight you, gentle reader. Let it not be said that we Atlanta Comic Pros cannot give back to the very community that spawned us from its itching loins.

And so without further ado I present for your delight and edification…

Six Weeks Late For Groundhog Day

Final Thoughts

Well, there you have it.

Not a long Flogging this week. Mind you, if you listened to our song all the way through, that’s eight and a half minutes of your life that you’re never going to get back.

Plus, I hope you’ll understand that the mixing of that God-awful cacophony took many more hours than I care to admit to my editors.

That is, if they’ll ever take my phone calls again.

Absolute Final Thoughts

Please send checks for this noble cause to:

Undernourished Comic Fan Awareness Society

666 Surely You Are Kidding Lane

You-Can’t-Be-Seriousville, GA 34567

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